Wellbutrin and Family

I saw my psychiatrist, who raised my Wellbutrin to 300mg. It was the right, conservative thing to do. But I left and went to my car and sobbed, because I didn't think it would work. Although, I don't think I would have beleived in anything else, either. I just wanted a magic wand, I guess.

So the very same day, I took a second of my 150mg pills. And I started feeling a little bit energized, and a lot anxious- but something! And historically, wellbutrin for me has started to work very fast, so that is a good sign.

It has been three days of wellbutrin, and I feel more anxious, more agitated, but less depressed. Thank god I am on vacation. I can take klonopin to try to wait the bad stuff out. The first night I didn't fall asleep until almost morning.

But I am also at my dad and stepmom's house, and they are doing their best to be good to me and distract me, and feed me good food. And that helps too. So what is the wellbutrin, and what is family? I may find out tomorrow when I go home.

I try not to think about going back to work next week, and wondering if I will be any better able to function than I was last week. I have to be. That is what is weighing on me right now. No one seems to beleive me when I tell them how dysfuctional I have been recently.

But it is what it is. And I guess I will find a way to deal with it, as everyone keeps telling me that I will. But I have lost all confidence in myself, even when the depression dims for a little bit. I don't trust myself to be able to function, that I can keep enough of the depression at bay. It becomes circular. I am depressed over the fact that that I am depressed, and anxious over how much it has taken from me, and whether I will be able to get it back.

Depression and Quantum Physics

I woke up and thought for a couple of hours that I didn't feel too bad, I really must be getting better. What an optimist. But now, as I try to do laundry, pack an overnight bag for a stay at my dad's, think about going to the gym, all before going to drive to see my psychiatrist this afternoon- I feel awful again.

Yesterday my therapist asked me how I know how depressed I am, how I judge it, how I know. I told her it was like Schrodinger's Cat. It was like the particle that is a wave that is a particle- and you don't know where it is until you measure it. And for me that measurement is, when I try to do something. If I am doing nothing, I often don't have a sense of how depressed I am, if there are no demands on me. But when I try to function, I am pinning down where that particle is, whether the cat is dead or alive. Poor cat.

When I try to function, to do even the smallest thing- I realize that I am still moving in molasses, not air, and I feel the resistance to any effort I make. And then I feel it in the pit of my stomach, the depression, telling me it never really went away. Perhaps someday they will find a way to de-enevervate those nerves, the ones that grab you in the stomach, and they will be selling that as a cure for depression. Can't be any worse than implanting deep brain stimulators.

According to my therapist...

I think too much. I make things too complicated. I try to find solutions for things that I should just accept. And I am not present, I am not in the moment.

And she is right- to a certain extent. But I am still trying to figure out what my version of mindfulness is. Except sometimes, it is much easier than others to be present.

Like when I had a massage this afternoon. I was just about as present as I get. And I didn't have to use mantras or breathing or anything like that (although I did start out like that). I just had to experience it. And it was beautiful. Although- not as "good" as the past two in a certain sense- my body is looser, I don't feel like I "need" a massage so much like I did the first two times. 

Sometimes I get so tense in my shoulders, my whole body even, I just feel like I need a massage. But until recently, I never got them (except for a couple of vacation). And yes, it turns out, that a good massage does fix the problem. At least for a while.

I did see my therapist today. I did somehow go to the gym- I walked a mile, did a few weights. I deposited some checks at the bank. I got a massage. I came home and collapsed.

Laundry remains undone. There is always tomorrow. I am on vacation.

Tomorrow I see my psychiatrist. I don't know what I want from him. The sensible thing to do is to give these med increases more time. I'm just panicking already at the thought of going back to work next week, that I still won't be able to function. I was hoping my therapist would have some magic suggestion, something I could do with my week off to make me better. Of course, she didn't. She told me to practice being more mindful. And I'm not knocking it- but it is not the magic answer I wanted.

And I wish I could say that walking a mile cured me. It did make me less anxious, but the depression unchanged. I wonder how many miles you have to walk to get out of a depression?

Massage was the best part of the day. I booked one for next week, too. What is money for?

It sounds like a better day, but I am not okay. If I have done slightly more, it only serves to remind me how far I have to go to get back to any kind of life that I would want to live. But that is not being mindful, not being present. That is analyzing. But that is who I am, I can't help it.

That is what I always hated about CBT. I have judged myself for my actions (or more likely inactions) very frequently in the past. But my thoughts- I never used to judge myself for that. Now, even my thoughts are wrong. Just another thing that is wrong with me.

But I know, I am supposed to judge my thoughts- not myself for having those thoughts. A very subtle difference when I am depressed.

"Like a Christian Scientist with Appendicitis"

One of my favorite lines from Tom Leher.

And it is kind of how I feel. I don't believe in meds like I used to, and yet... what else to do when I feel like this?

Who do I listen to, the people who say meds work, at least for the severely depressed? Or those who say that they don't, and even make you worse in the long run?

I think it is too late for me to change course. I am on meds, my brain has spent more of its life medicated than non-medicated. There is no going back. Even though it isn't clear to me if staying on them is making me better or just saving me from withdrawal effects at this point.

If I win the lottery, and don't have to work anymore, I will try going off of my meds. But until then, I have to take them. I can't spend weeks (or months) disabled.

I do think that antidepressants have worked for me, at least in the short term. And I do know that at least 2 drugs, tegretol and zyprexa, have kept me from mania. Of course, I didn't get manic until years of antidepressant use and then being taken off of lithium cold turkey...

And the occasional quarter milligram of klonopin can help me to push through my bad feelings and do what I need to do for a little bit.

And the provigil helps me to concentrate- although it is short acting and I have to take it twice a day, and I get extremely depressed if I skip a dose. I hate that.

I hate that I take so many drugs. But if they were all "working," if my mood was good- I'd be okay with it. But it is hard to justify taking all of these drugs when I feel this bad.

Whenever I see a new psychiatrist, they always ask me if I have used illegal drugs. And I say, don't I take enough drugs already? No, I have never used illegal drugs. But maybe I should have. Maybe that was my mistake- my choice of drugs. I might have been better off with cocaine!

Actually, what I have wondered about recently is nicotine for depression. No, not cigarettes. But maybe the gum, or a patch. It can't be any worse for you than Zyprexa.

Meanwhile, I am megadosing on CoQ10. I have ordered some supplements the are supposed to support mitochondrial health, hoping that it will help my energy level. I also ordered DHEA, but I haven't decided yet if I am going to take it. I really should be getting my levels tested by someone if I am going to go that route- but that would probably mean another doctor. And probably another doctor paid out of pocket, and I am really broke. I just bought my car from my lease, I am really broke. And I don't want to see another doctor, anyway. I have the feeling that this new psychiatrist wouldn't be open to doing a blood test for my level.

Easier said than done

I didn't keep to my plans for today. I spent most of the day in bed. It is so much easier to set goals than to do them. But it was kind of nice in bed, relatively speaking. Compared to the past week. Nice to stop fighting for a little bit. Although in the long run, I'll probably feel worse if I keep doing it. Or maybe not.

The past week, I kept thinking, I am so tired, and so tired of feeling this way, I can't wait for life to be over. And it will be, eventually. Perhaps that is what keeps me alive- knowing that I don't have to bare this forever, it will come to an end, whether I want it to or not.

The myth is that depression is just unhappiness. It's just a bad mood. It is so much more than that. It takes away your energy, your ability to feel joy, your ability to concentrate, your ability to function.

Everything becomes so damn hard. And when you push yourself hard enough, you find that you can do some things, some of the time- and so it is hard to understand or explain (even to yourself) why you are not doing everything. No one else can see that you are moving in a sea of molasses, while everyone else is moving in air.

I was supposed to go to a dinner today. I felt too guilty to cancel, even though I didn't want to go. But at the last minute, I realized I did not have one thing to wear that didn't need washing. I haven't done laundry in ages- I have even been wearing fancier tops to work because that is what I had left (and of course I'm" recycling" my underwear). I had nothing to wear. I cancelled, last minute, and feel very guilty- and relieved.

I'm feeling lonely tonight, but wanting people who would understand- and I wouldn't find that there. There is a DBSA group that I have gone to a few times, but that isn't until later in the week. I always wish there was something on weekends. I am so busy with work during the week- and work some evenings- so it is hard to make weekday meetings.

I am just complaining today. It is one of those days. Tomorrow I will be better. I have to be- there are things that I really have to do.

I think I hit bottom, I think I am going up (a little bit)

I had hit bottom. And as miserable as it was, it was almost comforting. I was coming to terms with the fact that I was going to have to give up. Maybe for a short period of time, with a leave of absence, or maybe on life itself- somewhere between there were my options. But it was time to stop fighting.

I sat in my therapist's office and cried the whole session. She asked me if I needed a "more intensive level of care." I told her no. But a part of me was saying yes inside- except that, I didn't think there was anything a "more intensive level of care" could do. I had a vacation coming up, and was determined to stick it out that long- then I could collapse. And maybe then I could figure out what I had to do.

My parents "made" me call my new psychiatrist (I was going to wait until the next appointment), and he had me raise another med. I was not optimistic. I didn't think it would make any difference, but at least I could say I was trying. So now, both my antidepressants have been raised in the past two weeks.

But in the last 3 days, in spite of myself, I think I am feeling just a little bit better. And it is almost worse than feeling uniformly bad.

Because when you are pretty much 100 percent bad, decisions are clearer. But what happens when you are 10 percent good? Then major conflicts start to happen. Maybe I'm not going to give up, maybe I can make it. But it is still so hard- and there is the fear that I am going to stay this way, the 10% is all I am going to get. And I am still not going to be capable of functioning.

But I am on vacation this week, so maybe 10% is enough to leverage into something more. Plus, there is more time for meds to work. I'm trying to get better about eating- while I still can't shop or cook, I'm at least drinking protein shakes, etc. I've ordered some new supplements that I think might help with my energy. I am determined to walk at least 1 mile each day this week. I can do it at the gym, on a treadmill- even though it would be better to walk outside- but I feel like I am going to collapse half the time, so having arm rails will be helpful and comforting. And this weekend I will go in to work to try to get caught up on paperwork. I can be alone, and if I cry, there is no one there to care. And if I sit staring into space half the time because I can't concentrate, there is no one to see.

I don't know what I will do if I still feel like this at the end of the week. But I don't have to worry about that yet.

I am hoping I feel good enough to do at least an overnight backpacking trip by the end of the week. That would be great. But it is not going to happen if I still feel this exhausted. If I still feel like this.

Something that Works

There are very few things that feel pleasurable when severely depressed. Eating ice cream is one of them- sometimes the only thing I can eat. Sometimes TV helps to take my mind off of things, but it doesn't really do that much. If my depression is too bad, I don't even like music. Sex can go either way, depending. If I am depressed enough, no.

Well, I think I hit the jackpot yesterday. Something that isn't even bad for you (except it is expensive). I had a second massage scheduled yesterday. I was so depressed I didn't think I could go, but I did. And it was wonderful.

You just have to lie there, while someone works on you. It is heaven. To be depressed it so be passive, so it works really well. You don't have to do anything. For 60 minutes, I wasn't depressed. And afterwards, I was much less depressed for the rest of the evening.

So even deeply depressed, I can enjoy a massage. I haven't lost all ability to feel pleasure. That is good to know. There is something in out there that works, and something in me that can respond. Even if it doesn't last, that is worth something.