Still waiting

My doctor's office didn't call today about my lab results- and normally they will call even if everything is okay. So I still don't know if my lack of eosinophil's in the lab work is something to worry about or not. I think it is either just statistical noise- and nothing at all- or really bad. Bad as in one of my meds is doing this and I would have to stop something but I don't know which one.

I had one of those days that started out good, but as the day progressed I just didn't feel good physically and mentally- I never know quite how to explain it. And I got so tired at the end of the work day I couldn't focus at all, I was just sitting at my desk shuffling papers.

Am I sick? Just out of shape and overweight? Overmedicated? But this doesn't happen every day- just a lot of days. And I'm never very good at explaining it to doctors- I have been worked up for "fatigue" twice- and all they found was an elevated sed rate and told me that I must have had a viral infection.

But exhaustion can also be a symptom of depression. So I really don't know. I just know that I had a moment at my desk today when I was so exhausted that I thought I might be dying. And then I thought that would be a good thing- because I didn't have enough energy to go on living.

I just wish my doctor had called. If she doesn't tomorrow, I will call her. The good news for today is that my joints didn't hurt.

Just in case I want to be a little bit OCD

Getting my lab results over the weekend but no doctor to talk to leaves the internet. And I am just wondering if it matters that I have no eosinophil's on the differential. That was the one out-of-the rang result. I had assumed it didn't matter, they were just "missed," as you only need 15 to be in range. But, inquiring minds want to know. And I don't have an answer.

But I did remember that Tegretol once gave me agranulocytosis. So I am looking up my meds. So far the only med that I see listed with agranulocytosis as a side effect is Effexor, and that is very rare.

Otherwise eosinopenia is associated with sepsis, alcoholism, severe stress, Cushing's Disease, and lupus.

I wonder what my doctor will tell me on Monday.

Meanwhile I made it through the weekend OK. I watched a lot of old episodes of "Falling Skies." I didn't take any klonopin during the day. I didn't get much done either, but I survived. Better than last weekend.

And I missed my brother. And I missed my niece. I have to find a time to go see them- now that I am no longer so far gone.

I got my lab results

Gone are the days when I have to wait for my doctor to call me. I got an email from Quest Diagnostics this morning telling me that my results were ready on the Quest app. It used to be that they would delay giving you your results for a few days- time for the doctor to call you first.

Anyway, everything was normal except for one specific white blood cell count which was low- I suspect this is insignificant. I do not have hemochromatosis- in fact, looking over my results and googling what they all mean- I might have an iron deficiency. I have some results that are just on the edge of low, some are on the edge of high (and in the exact opposite pattern of hemochromatosis). But in the expected direction for iron deficiency. Except that my hematocrit is so good, so who knows. Anyway, I might try eating a little more red meat once or twice a week.

She did not test me for rheumatoid again as I thought that she would. Only for ANA. And Lyme. But really, I did not think it was rheumatoid (or at least hoped it was not). I really thought that hemochromatosis and Lupus were the most likely.

So no answers. But no bad news either. I guess I just treat this like osteoarthritis. I need to make myself a thumb splint- my left thumb is getting bad. And not at the CMC joint- it is the MP joint, which is incredibly lax. I am not ready to see a hand surgeon- even though one CHT who specializes in thumb arthritis suggested that to me after looking at my thumb.

So all of this has been much ado about nothing. Except that I can cross one thing off of my list of things to worry about- hemochromatosis- and that is a good thing. And it means that my dad, who is a carrier- can't be blamed for this!

Nothing much to say- and that's a good thing

I have had a very mellow day- which, given where my mood has been recently, is a very good thing. I didn't do that much productive other than a load of laundry and some dishes- I have to do better tomorrow. Last night, after my acupuncture session, I fell asleep pretty easily without a second dose of klonopin- I hope that is the same tonight. I didn't take any today either during the day.

I didn't get a call from my doctor on Friday, I had hoped that I would. I guess the lab results weren't all in- she said that the Lyme test might not be. I really want to know if anything showed up. I guess I will have to wait for a little bit longer.

I can't believe that I am going away on Wednesday. So much to do. And there is my mom's family to contend with. Well, at least the trip is not too long. I am flying home on Sunday.

I am walking a 10K on July 4th which I am really not prepared for- given how my mood has been. But I will try. I am trying to figure out what to do about ankle bracing. My bad right ankle always swells up and hurts and turns in by the time I am done- and the next day I can't walk on it. I have seriously thought of using my hiking boots- because that seems to help- but I think it would be too hot. I think for the event itself I am only going to use a Jimmy Copper compression sleeve- I have used it for shorter distances and it seemed to help. And I am bringing a more substantial brace to put on after the walk in case I have trouble walking. And I will bring my kinesiotape in case I have a lot of swelling.

The main determinant, I think, of how I do will be the weather. I did is last year- in the midst of a bad depression- I thought I wouldn't even do it- decided to do it at the last minute. But the weather was cool and rainy, and so I didn't get overheated. It really wasn't so bad.

I'm sure that this year it will be high nineties, as usual. The only thing that could save me is that I plan on walking with my mom, who is a very slow walker. And I just have to walk a mile six times (plus a smidge more). A mile is easy.

Walking a 10K is so un-sexy.  But I don't have the body to be a runner- there is too much of me. Walking is one of the kinder things I can do to my joints. There is a blog I read by a woman with depression who runs marathons, and I can't get over it. It is such an amazing accomplishment.

I have wondered about walking a marathon. Some people do. But it just takes too long! Maybe a half marathon. Someday.

The best acupuncture session so far

I had been feeling better today, but still had some traces of depression and agitation. So when he asked me what needed to be worked on, I mentioned the agitation.

Usually he just puts 1 needle on the top of my head. But this time, because of the agitation, he put several. It was amazing- as I was lying there with the needles, I could feel energy flowing out of the top of my head. And I became so relaxed. I've never been able to be so relaxed and mindful while on the acupuncture table. I just tried to be present.

What is funny is that sometimes I do feel some tightness or slight tingling on the top of my head, where he put the needles. I guess it is a place where energy is blocked for me.

He also put some needles in for my carpal tunnel syndrome, which has been bad again this past week. I hope it helps- I hate to wear splints to bed in the summer.

I know it was a better day- I didn't even take any klonopin today, didn't even feel like I needed too. Perhaps because I took so much last night to sleep- which remains an issue. My main problem today was concentration.

Maybe my acupuncturist has some tricks for concentration.

I made it through the day

Today the Zyprexa didn't seem to be having quite as much of an effect- although it was still a better day than Monday. At times I really struggled- but I made it through the day. I am hoping that this doesn't mean that I need more in the way of meds. I don't know how long to give this. I did make a therapy appointment for tomorrow, although it is not normally a week that I go.

I don't think the fever is back- no chills. I don't feel feverish. I just have pain in my hands. No word on the lab tests yet. And I feel exhausted, although that could just be emotional.

Nothing interesting to write about- except that, over the past few days, I decided that maybe I should get lymphedema certified. My boss is, and she is totally busy- and could use the help. And it would make me a more valuable employee. And I really do like hands-on work with patients. But I think that what really made me think that is worry that maybe I have rheumatoid or something like that. Lymphedema massage is extremely gentle, and wouldn't wear out my joints as much as the manual work I do now.

OK, so one moment I want to kill myself, and the next I want to get lymphedema certified! That is the way that my mind has been working.

I have to figure out what work would pay for, because it is expensive. And maybe with my recent moodiness, now is not the best time to ask. But it is part of my 1 year plan, assuming that there is a one year.

It isn't unusual for me to come up with big plans and have suicidal thoughts at the same times. Because what I want is change from the current situation. The present is intolerable. So maybe the choice is between killing myself or quitting my job to hike the Appalachian Trail. Both would get me out of the present moment. The problem is, as my depression worsens, the big plans seem just to hard- and the only option left is the other one.

I once tried to tell myself that if I was ever going to kill myself, I would first max out my credit cards and take an amazing vacation first (I didn't have a 401K at the time). But it doesn't work that way- or at least not for me. If I could take that vacation- that would mean I was not too bad off.

There is theory, and then there is practice

In my head, I agree a lot with the "anti-psychiatry" movement. Not entirely, but some. In theory, I hate meds- especially antipsychotics. In practice, my pantry is a pharmacy, and I think some extra Zyprexa yesterday may have saved my life- or at least my career. I was reasonably okay today at work. I had a little bit of peace, and no tears. I did still have to take some klonopin, though. In theory, I wouldn't be taking that either.

It doesn't matter if I am medicating life- I evidently can't fix my life and I can't handle my life unmedicated. I don't want another day like yesterday. I really was starting to think that I didn't want to keep on living. So whatever bad things Zyprexa does to me- unless it is worse than death, I'll take it.

One of these days I'll feel that way again and I won't have notes to finish writing or an apartment to clean- the two times I tried I didn't have these commitments. I had nothing to stop me. Now I am too conscientious. My notes have to be done. I should clean. Let people know where all my bank accounts and financial info is. Last time I just wrote a note. Simpler times.

But if my mind is better today, my hands hurt. I had to take aspirin at work. I can't decide if I hope the blood work finds something or not. I would like an answer- but not if it is anything bad. The least bad thing that I can think of that causes joint pain in the hands is hemochromatosis, so I guess that is what I hope that they find.