Back up again

Back up to 10mg of Zyprexa, and feeling a little better. I'm going to give the Zyprexa all the chance that I can, because I have decided that there is no way I am going back on lithium. I had such a bad experience with it last time. Both my blood pressure medicines interact with it, and I take a fair amount of NSAID's for very bad headaches, cramps, and various aches and pains. And the last time I was on lithium, I was very depressed anyway.

I'm thinking of asking my doctor about DHEA. I wonder what he thinks about it. And, I may try going up on my Wellbutrin again first. I got bad anxiety last time I did, but now I have so much Zyprexa in me plus I am taking a milligram of klonopin a day on a regular basis- hopefully that will protect me from any anxiety.

I have so many reasons for not wanting to be on lithium- but I have a rebellious one too. I don't want to be on a drug where my levels are tested and adjusted periodically by a doctor, and someone would always know if I am taking my meds. Even though I have taken such drugs in the past- I just don't want to do that now. It just seems to give too much power.

I have almost always taken meds as prescribed, except for when things get really bad and I can't imagine that life could be any worse off of meds. And then I sometimes play with my dosages- a little more when I am feeling depressed, a little less to see if I can decrease something. Otherwise I am very "compliant."

If you buy in to the biochemical basis of mood disorders- and I think it is a lot more complicated than that- but if you do- and you believe that the treatment for it is medication, it really doesn't give you, the patient, a whole lot of power. Because I don't have the prescription pad, my doctor does. Fortunately I have a really great psychiatrist now, but it has not always been the case. But even then, if I feel like I can't take another minute of it, my depression is so bad, and I have to wait for a phone call from my psychiatrist before I can make a med change- that is pretty dis-empowering.

So going up to 10mg of Zyprexa, that was my doing. But then my doctor kept me there- i thought it might be a temporary thing. And it made me feel enough better that I am agreeing to do that. I am still hoping it is temporary, but I just can't go back to where I was.

But lithium- I have decided that I will not do. I don't know- tardive dyskinesia vs. acne, shaking hands, "mental dulling" and constantly going to the bathroom. How to choose?