Enough!

Today I got on the scale. I have gained 5 pounds since I went up on the zyprexa. And just as bad- I couldn't do anything today. Not because I felt depressed- I really didn't. I just felt tired. I felt drugged. I felt nothing.

I had even cut back on the klonopin as of last night, so I thought I would have more energy. It didn't help- but I'm not taking very much anyway. I did increase my Zonegran a couple of days ago, which I think it also helping with my depression, so this could also be sedation from that.

So today I start cutting the Zyprexa down again. The 10mg was always meant to be temporary, and the longer I wait, the harder it will be.

I did raise my Zonegran to 400mg- there are some open label studies which suggest that it can be helpful with bipolar depression. And it is the one anticonvulsant I have taken that doesn't have too bad side effects. There is no way I am going back on lithium (I say now- but I have gone back and forth on that a bit in my mind).

This is why I spend big bucks on my psychiatrist. Because the next time I call him, I will have to ask him for new scripts because I have to tell him I went up on the Zonegran, down on the Zyprexa, and no to lithium. And he is good about it, because I (generally) don't do stupid things.

I think that the stupidest things I have done, for the most part,has been agreeing to do what my doctors have suggested. Because sometimes they suggest really stupid things.

So tonight it is down to 7.5mg of Zyprexa. I had hoped to wait until next weekend to do this- not the night before I have to go to work- but between the way I felt today, and getting on the scale- there was no choice. It has to be now.

I have to say, though, I really wasn't that depressed today. I was just very nothing. Which is an improvement over a couple of weeks ago- granted. I didn't want to be alive. But then your standards start to rise, and numb is no longer enough.

The Zyprexa served its purpose. It got me out of a very bad place. It kept me alive.