The loneliness of depression

I am no longer feeling so "mixed" today, although I did have to take a sliver of klnopin and a sliver of zyprexa to take the edge off. But what is left is pure depression. Really bad depression, like I haven't had in some time. How did this happen so fast?

And yet I made it to work. Somehow. And didn't leave early- although I was so very tempted to. Some people don't think you can be that depressed if you are at work. They don't have any idea. The fingernails pressed into the back of my neck. The counting of the hours, the deals I make with myself. Skipping lunch because I didn't have any food to bring in and was way too depressed to go out. Feeling like I can't take another minute, and telling myself that I can, but not believing it.

But one of the worse things is the loneliness. When you have a severe mental illness and you work at a job were you need to be a responsible person, you have to put up a pretty good front. Where does that end? Must I spend my entire life denying what my inner life actually is?

If I were an alcoholic, there would be places for me any night of the week. But because I have a mood disorder, meetings are few and far between, especially where I live, and especially because I would two evenings a week. Today, when I left work, I really wanted somewhere to go. people to talk to in my situation.

We do have a "clubhouse" in our town. I went there once, searching. I wanted so badly to fit in there. But I didn't fit. No one was working- and my issues were how to work when you feel like hell! My issues were feeling like an impostor at work. And yet I felt like an impostor there, because I worked. I did not belong.

Summer Solstice

I have been "celebrating" the summer solstice in a drug-induced fog this weekend. I found myself going into a mixed state over the past couple of weeks, and by Friday I could stand it no longer. I got home from work and thought I would knock myself out with some Klonopin and Zyprexa- only it didn't knock me out. Normally it would have, but I was in a state where is didn't.

It started a couple of weeks ago- but I didn't really put it together. I was waking up early in the mornings around 4am (I was still falling asleep at night due to the ambien). And then I kept telling myself that I must be drinking too much coffee, or maybe a I had some really super strong coffee- because that is what if felt like. But cutting down on the caffeine didn't help. And them my mood started to go south- but I blame that on tryiing to reduce my Zyprexa.

There was a new article in the American Journal of Psychiatry showing how bad antipsychotics are for the brain- and not that I didn't know from previous research- I just know I had to give it another try to get off them. But by the 5th day the depression got so bad I went back up (I had only gone down by 1.25mg). Going back up helped a little with the depression, but not with the feeling that I was crawling out of my skin.

So by Friday night, it was time for action. Take the dreaded Zyprexa, even more of it, and klonopin. Eventually I got myself to sleep. Yesterday I drugged myself up again when the feelings started to return. Today hasn't been quite as bad, and I have eased up on the drugs. By tomorrow I will hopefully be back to my normal dosages, with maybe a tiny crumb of klonopin.

If only it could have been a happy hypomania. This mixed states suck.

And it sucks that I take Zyprexa. But I think for now I will stay on it. It is only 5mg, I tell myself. Except for times like this, when I take more to get me out of an episode. But whenever I try to get off of it, bad things happen.