Summer Solstice

I have been "celebrating" the summer solstice in a drug-induced fog this weekend. I found myself going into a mixed state over the past couple of weeks, and by Friday I could stand it no longer. I got home from work and thought I would knock myself out with some Klonopin and Zyprexa- only it didn't knock me out. Normally it would have, but I was in a state where is didn't.

It started a couple of weeks ago- but I didn't really put it together. I was waking up early in the mornings around 4am (I was still falling asleep at night due to the ambien). And then I kept telling myself that I must be drinking too much coffee, or maybe a I had some really super strong coffee- because that is what if felt like. But cutting down on the caffeine didn't help. And them my mood started to go south- but I blame that on tryiing to reduce my Zyprexa.

There was a new article in the American Journal of Psychiatry showing how bad antipsychotics are for the brain- and not that I didn't know from previous research- I just know I had to give it another try to get off them. But by the 5th day the depression got so bad I went back up (I had only gone down by 1.25mg). Going back up helped a little with the depression, but not with the feeling that I was crawling out of my skin.

So by Friday night, it was time for action. Take the dreaded Zyprexa, even more of it, and klonopin. Eventually I got myself to sleep. Yesterday I drugged myself up again when the feelings started to return. Today hasn't been quite as bad, and I have eased up on the drugs. By tomorrow I will hopefully be back to my normal dosages, with maybe a tiny crumb of klonopin.

If only it could have been a happy hypomania. This mixed states suck.

And it sucks that I take Zyprexa. But I think for now I will stay on it. It is only 5mg, I tell myself. Except for times like this, when I take more to get me out of an episode. But whenever I try to get off of it, bad things happen.