Sometimes it's not enough

They say that half of life is just showing up. But that is only half of it. Sometimes it is not enough. I get myself there, but I can't get myself to stay there.

I had tried to lower one of my medications last night. This morning I was depressed. But I was also determined that if nothing else I was going to visit family, as some people were in from out of town. After much inner battling, I sprayed some dry shampoo in my hair (great for when I am too depressed to shower), managed to brush my teeth, throw on some clothes, and run out the door before I could think of another reason not to go.

I am glad I went. I was glad to see them. But the gnawing in my stomach just kept growing, and finally I could ignore it no more, and I had to leave. 

There was a time when I was listening too much to the cognitive therapists, and I thought that I "should" feel better if I made myself do something positive. They would want me to rate my mood before and after... Which to me meant that if I didn't feel any better after doing something, it was a failure. It is not a good way to think about things.

Things are worth doing if they are worth doing. Yes, how it makes you feel is part of the package, but only a part of it. 

The one thing that should definitely make you feel better is your psych meds, if you choose to take them. I can't figure out what to do with mine right now- but I see my psychiatrist next week so maybe he will have some answers. 

I also have a problem which is freaking me out- it looks like the site I get my provigil from overseas is no longer reliable. And I can't afford to buy it in America, even though it is now generic- the price has still not dropped very much. And my insurance company has denied it for me. So I don't know what to do. Maybe try the amphetamines again- my doctor had once mention Vyvvanse, but I haven't always done well on the amphetamines. 

Maybe I should tell my health insurance company that I need to go to detox to get off of provigil if they won't pay for it! Maybe then they would pay!

What I don't understand is why it is so expensive, especially now, when it has been generic for a few months. I'm not asking for it for free, I'm willing to pay a couple hundred a month if I have to- but not what they are asking.