Still on less Zyprexa, still doing well

It seems that the transition from 7.5mg to 5mg of Zyprexa has been sucessful. And I feel better: more alive, more connected, my mind sharper.

But, there is a cost. There was a reason I stayed on the 7.5mg so long. On the higher dose, I just felt this sense of relief. I wasn't scared of my emotions anymore. I wasn't afraid of the next thing to hit. I felt at peace. I wasn't waiting for the next shoe to drop, as they say. And I started doing more, getting more things done, because I think a part of me felt freer because of this. But I was also number.

So on the lower dose, I have a little of the apprehension again- not so much of anything happening, but of my emotional response to things. It isn't bad, it is just there in the background. I know if something bad does happen, or if the bad feelings do come, I can use DBT skill to work on it. But that is not the same as never having to experience them first.

Perhaps is was good for me to be on the higher dose, just for a little while, just to start to jump start some things in my life. But long term, I think that the numbness would hold me back. And I think it was starting to hold me back. I know that the higher dose is always there for me, if I ever need it for a few days because I start to get manic, etc. But I also know that it is not a dose that I ever want to take again for any prolonged period of time.

The question remains, do I want to try to go lower on the Zyprexa. And I don't know. I have tried so many times and failed- but I have been trying while I was working, so I couldn't tolerate a few really bad days. Maybe if I did it over a week's vacation, while taking a lot of klonopin, I could. I really don't know. But not now. Not in 2013, I think. Maybe 2014.