Goodbye 2013

I had wanted to stay up last night to see the ball drop on TV. To write in my journal. To make plans for the new year, to reflect, do dream. Instead I went to bed.

I was too depressed to stay up. I wanted the oblivion of sleep. I was tired of these mood swings.

It is common for depression to lessen towards the end of the day, it is a typical pattern. So after an agonizing day at work in which I decided I was going to have to either quit my job, take a leave or absence, kill myself- something- I suddenly started feeling better around 4pm. At first this felt like relief, and then I started to get mad. It is too confusing. How can I figure out what to do? How can I live my life? Make decisions?

My instinct tells me that more meds are not the answer. I need more sunlight- or more light therapy. I have upped my creatine, which I wasn't taking a full dose of- and which has been shown to help with depression. Maybe I will start taking B complex again. What I really need to do is exercise, and I think that I will today, if only for a little bit.

To many of my meds make me tired and want to do nothing- which is exactly what I am struggling with now. I can't raise meds that will increase my lack of initiation and agency- I can't be fighting both the meds and the depression. To fight the depression is enough. Plus I am already maxed out on my antidepressant and my Provigil. That only leaves my Zyprexa, lithium, or Zonegran to raise, which I would rather not.

If going up is not an option, maybe down is. I lowered my Zyprexa last night by a smidge- less than a quarter of a pill. I don't even feel the difference today. Hopefully this will work, and I will spend 2014 on less Zyprexa.  But I am a realist, so if it doesn't work, it doesn't work.