Living on the edge

It has been good to cut back on the Zyprexa and the Effexor. I feel more alive, I don't struggle quite so much with initiation- it is easier to act. It is even easier to do my paperwork. And yet, I can see the specter of depression starting to appear at times- although nothing very serious yet. I just know it is there, waiting. And I think that if I go lower on meds, at least for the moment, I will go into that depressed place.

And then I think, maybe it is not depression- maybe it is just sadness. I have a lot to be sad about. Maybe decreasing my meds is just letting me feel that sadness, and that is not a bad thing. Maybe I have to go through that place.

But mostly I am just tired. I am tired of trying to get caught up on paperwork at work from the times I couldn't do things- and didn't know what was wrong with me. I am tired of this messy house that I have been too apathetic to clean- and I am trying to fix that. I have so many things I am behind on- and I just want a clean slate. I want to start my life over again. I wish I could be my pre-Zyprexa weight again. Now if I ever get there I will need a tummy tuck or such.

And when I came home late from work tonight, I wish that my mom had cooked dinner. But that would be expecting too much. I should have brought food home. I was disappointed. I continue to expect things of her and I shouldn't, I just get disappointed.

I remind myself that I am going to see my brother, and my niece, this weekend. That will be good. And I have Friday off- even if I go in to do notes in the morning. Maybe I will get a pedicure. My last one was in January. And then mom and I will go river tubing- it is a 3 hour trip. Life will be good- I think if I can get through the next couple of months, life will be good. But it is going to be hard.