Inertia

I'm not really depressed, at least not in a clinical sense. Just struggling with inertia. The "a body at rest tends to stay at rest..." And having spent so much of my life depressed, I am used to not doing things, I am not in the habit of action. And on weekends this really takes over.

I have things I want to do- but then I find myself wondering why I want to do them. Because I am so used to putting things on my to do list because I "should" do them- whether it is exercise or getting out and socializing- and not because I have the desire to do them. I don't even know what I want anymore. But doing nothing isn't it either. Maybe that is just rebellion against all of the shoulds, and against all of the things that I have made myself do while so deeply depressed.

I want something to not feel like a should, but the truth is, any new thing I start is going to feel that way in the beginning, it just is. I will have to push myself to get out of this place. And the next depression will bring me back here, and then I will have to push myself to get out of it again.

I am doing laundry. I made it out of my apartment and outside and to the basement. It is pretty pathetic that this is an accomplishment. Tomorrow everyone is going to ask me, what did I do on my weekend? Do I want to tell them laundry? These questions that people ask- so personal. I hate it.

I took a shower. I did the dishes. No one would believe that these were accomplishments.