Perspective

My dad needs cardiac surgery. After his stress test he was told that he needs an aortic valve repair. He is asymptomatic, but it will only get worse. So his is scheduled for a week and a half from now.

Depression is so selfish. I just focus on myself, I can't look outward. I hate that about depression. I don't mean to be selfish, it just happens. I want to be there for him. I certainly don't want to be a source of stress.

But today's phone call also made me realize that my dad is not going to be there forever. He is 83. A very fit and active 83, who only just stopped his consulting work a few months ago. But no one lives forever, and no one gets out of this alive.

I had actually had a better day today. I think the increased Zyprexa is helping. It also helped that it was my shorter day today, so that by the time the agitation started really getting to me it was time to go home and I didn't have to take any klonopin.

So I'm glad I was in this better place when he called.

I have decided that if I can't get my insurance company to pay for my Provigil (or for Nuvigil) that I will pay for it myself. It is down to $520 as of last weekend, and in a few months it will be lower. In the meantime I will put off moving to a full-sized apartment for a year, give up my monthly massages, try to pack lunches sometimes (when I am not too depressed), and will give up my therapist for an in-network therapist come January 1. I love my therapist, but I will no longer have out of network benefits, and damn it I want my insurance to pay for something.

I will keep my psychiatrist. There are hardly any psychiatrists who take insurance near me, and I like him. And I see him rarely enough that I can afford to keep him.  Plus he can see me before work so I don't have to use PTO.

I am going to get a couple of days off for my dad's surgery. That is not how I thought I'd be taking my next vacation, but such is life.