For a Monday, it could have been worse

I had a so-so day. I was in a bad mood in the morning but felt a lot better in the afternoon- just very tired. A lot better than yesterday. For a Monday, and given what my mood has been recently and all that is going on, I can't complain. It helped that I had a pretty manageable caseload.

With the time change I am ready to go to bed already. I brought notes home, but I will do them in the morning. Tomorrow is my late day- I don't go in until 10. And I have to do a load of laundry and go walking before work. Maybe I will vote. Usually I do. This year, I just can't get into it. I really haven't followed my state politics at all- I haven't been following politics very much (for me). It just turns me off too much.

This morning, when my depression was worse- I was feeling guilty about being depressed. Because of my dad and his upcoming surgery. I felt guilty for not being sure I wanted to be alive- when other people are sick and want to live. And that is really why I can't do lymphedema therapy. I can't be working with cancer patients when I am half suicidal half the time myself.

I put in my PTO for next week- I am taking 3 days off. The surgery is on a Wednesday. I won't see much of my dad that day- he will be out of it. Initially he goes to cardiac intensive care, then to a step down unit as his condition allows.

It was not too much more than 2 years ago when I was taking time off for my dad's aortic aneurysm repair surgery. And my gift to him was keeping myself together through the surgery and for a couple of weeks afterwards- I was deeply depressed. Two weeks later, I think, I was admitted to the hospital. I really hope this isn't a repeat.