Exhaustion

Today I have been so exhausted- and I hope it is just stress. It feel like something more, but it has been a pretty stressful week- including having my car break down on the highway while I was driving home. I barely got to the side safely. I will need a new engine. But that was not the most expensive thing I did that day- I discovered that my dental surgery will be much more expensive than expected, but that they hope to fix my crooked teeth too.

Anyway, work has been super crazy, with people coming at wrong times and wrong days and just really busy. But a great OT moment too- working with an older woman who told me that she had known Dr. Robert Hunter, a giant in early hand surgery and hand rehabilitation.

I decided that working on my teeth, even if very expensive, is a very life affirming thing to do. I smile without opening my mouth- I have for years- because my bottom teeth are too crooked. It is going to take months to fix that, with the implants the last step- but maybe I will smile more. Maybe I will be less depressed. Maybe I will be less self conscious. At the very least- I have to stay alive to see how it all turns out! So I will be broke for a while. I do have credit cards. But I just gave $4000 (all my savings) to one dentist- and I'd like to avoid using credit as much as possible. And of course my HSA is pretty empty.

I'm driving a rental car right now, and fortunately it isn't as expensive as I feared. And it is true, Enterprise does pick you up. I have managed the past few days better than expected- it is just the fatigue that hit me. I started to wonder if my lithium was high at work, but probably not. Probably just fatigue.

I haven't decided if I am still going on my vacation. Maybe I shouldn't spend the money. But I NEED a vacation. A "staycation" would make me more depressed. And I don't feel ready to go backpacking. I need to be in better shape.

I thought I'd fall asleep early- but I am not. Maybe I'll go watch CNN again. I am fascinated by this plane story. Fascinated that someone could just calmly set the autopilot and let it crash- and have no words, not even any disordered breathing per the voice recorder. And what irony that the fortress we created to keep danger out of the cockpit is what allowed this act.