You can't have everything

When I am extremely depressed, all I want is to feel nothing. When I am numb, all I want is to feel. When I am extremely depressed I would give my right arm for the pain to stop. When the pain lets up, I start to care about my physical health and worry about the long term effects of my meds, and how they seem incompatible with a long and healthy life.

I am trying to make me peace with Zyprexa right now. The higher dose seems to be going a little better this time round in terms of feeling out of it and wanting to eat everything in sight. However I still need to sleep a lot. I hope that gets better.

I hate antipsychotics but recently I have hated living even more, so I have to chose.

I had high hopes for the CPAP. I have sleep apnea. From one perspective- total number of episodes a night, it isn't too high. But during REM sleep it is severe. So now I have a CPAP machine. I hoped it would help the depression. It hasn't- or maybe I'd be worse without it as it is my bad time of year. I am less sleepy- or was until I increased the Zyprexa.

Maybe I need to move to Florida. I have a light box- and it helps, I used to be in the hospital every December and that is no longer the case- but it doesn't help enough.

I am grateful it is the weekend. I have a little time to breathe. And try to get outside- it is very sunny out. That has got to help. And stay away from news. That is very depressing.