Just when I thought my meds were set

I have been doing really well recently. I am trying to resist all urges to lower meds because I am in a really good place, and I don't want to lose this. Maybe in the future. For now, I just need this.

Except that it seems more and more like my overseas source for my Provigil is no longer reliable. And I don't know what I am going to do. It is a really expensive medication, and in recent years I haven't done well on amphetamines, which would be the logical alternative. My insurance company has very strict criteria for Provigil coverage which I do not meet. They denied me for both Provigil and Nuvigil.

Provigil has gone generic, but the price in the US is still pretty high. I take two 200mg pills. The cheapest price I can find is $344/pill, with a coupon- and I am assuming I could get that coupon every month. Maybe not. That is $688 a month.

I have about 3 months worth of Provigil left, I can only hope that the price will continue to drop, and will do so significantly in that time period. I have tried cutting down on my Provigil before, but never felt good. I could afford 1 pill a day maybe. I'm paying $100/month right now. I'm sure it will be a long time before it gets that cheap in the US.

I was just starting to feel financially secure. I was paying off debts. Making plans to move from my efficiency apartment into a full one bedroom. Not going to happen.

I think, maybe I should try lowering my Zyprexa and see if I need less Provigil to function on a lower dose of Zyprexa. I think maybe I should try a stimulant again and hope it doesn't give me anxiety and tachycardia. (I had thought of taking a beta blocker for the tachycardia, but the one time I was on a beta blocker I had swollen ankles and chest pain). There really aren't good options. And then I think that maybe the antipsychiatry people are right. I just don't want to be on meds, if for no other reason than because I don't want to be in this vulnerable position.

I am just frustrated. Maybe my psychiatrist will have some ideas. I think last time I brought this up he mentioned one of the new amphetamines.

Sometimes it's not enough

They say that half of life is just showing up. But that is only half of it. Sometimes it is not enough. I get myself there, but I can't get myself to stay there.

I had tried to lower one of my medications last night. This morning I was depressed. But I was also determined that if nothing else I was going to visit family, as some people were in from out of town. After much inner battling, I sprayed some dry shampoo in my hair (great for when I am too depressed to shower), managed to brush my teeth, throw on some clothes, and run out the door before I could think of another reason not to go.

I am glad I went. I was glad to see them. But the gnawing in my stomach just kept growing, and finally I could ignore it no more, and I had to leave. 

There was a time when I was listening too much to the cognitive therapists, and I thought that I "should" feel better if I made myself do something positive. They would want me to rate my mood before and after... Which to me meant that if I didn't feel any better after doing something, it was a failure. It is not a good way to think about things.

Things are worth doing if they are worth doing. Yes, how it makes you feel is part of the package, but only a part of it. 

The one thing that should definitely make you feel better is your psych meds, if you choose to take them. I can't figure out what to do with mine right now- but I see my psychiatrist next week so maybe he will have some answers. 

I also have a problem which is freaking me out- it looks like the site I get my provigil from overseas is no longer reliable. And I can't afford to buy it in America, even though it is now generic- the price has still not dropped very much. And my insurance company has denied it for me. So I don't know what to do. Maybe try the amphetamines again- my doctor had once mention Vyvvanse, but I haven't always done well on the amphetamines. 

Maybe I should tell my health insurance company that I need to go to detox to get off of provigil if they won't pay for it! Maybe then they would pay!

What I don't understand is why it is so expensive, especially now, when it has been generic for a few months. I'm not asking for it for free, I'm willing to pay a couple hundred a month if I have to- but not what they are asking.