The Weather Channel in All Its Glory

We have Hurricane Irene on our doorstep, supposed to get here tonight. I don't think it will be so bad where I live, a bit inland, I am mostly worried about power outages. And maybe trees down.

With 24-hour news channels, you never know what to believe. How bad is this going to be? They will play up anything for something to say. And I guess the answer is, when it comes to the weather, we don't know. We can't predict things with 100 percent accuracy. The storm could go a little bit this way, or a little bit that way, with tremendous consequences.

I have to get myself out and do some grocery shopping, because I really don't have much food. I was going to go last night, but I was too upset after I nearly had a melt down at the pharmacy.

I wanted to fill my Abilify prescription. And I knew that I only had less than 100 dollars left in my deductible. But they told me that when they tried to put it though, I would have to pay the whole 525 dollars. So I didn't fill it. I still have some left- but I don't know what to do. I don't know how to fight this. Maybe because I still haven't met my full deductible, I have to pay the full thing. So I just need to find something cheaper to get to my deductible, and then I can try to fill it again, and just pay my co-pay. I do not have 525 dollars in my health savings account at this time.

Every job I have had, the insurance has been worse. When you have a high deductible plan, you feel like you don't even have insurance half the time. Plus they keep finding reasons to deny things, like lab work, etc. that they say is experimental or not needed.

So anyway, I was too upset to go grocery shopping, so I have to go today. I wonder if the shelves will be bare. I have heard from my patients that bottled water is sold out.

A Good Day to Watch CNN

An exciting news day. The rebels have entered the capital of Libya, it is happening faster than anyone expected. The TV is full of images of people celebrating in the streets. Joyous voices and faces.

I hope that there is a little bit more freedom coming to the middle east. I think America's star is waning, I am actually quite pessimistic about our long term future. But I hope that the freedom that has for so long been represented and protected by America will be found in other countries, whatever happens here.

Before watching CNN I was watching CSPAN, and Mark Steyn talk about the coming economic collapse of America. He was preaching to the converted- I have believed this for some time. But I don't know what to do about it.

Democracy has been a great experiment- but what happens when the electorate realizes that they can vote themselves more government benefits than they pay taxes for? What happens when our president tells us that we can go to war and not raise taxes to pay for it? We must not be teaching math is school anymore.

But I digress. The scenes in Libya are wonderful. I hope the joy is not momentary and fleeting, but that some of it can last through the hard process of trying to create a functioning government.

Today is Better

I'm feeling a lot better today. I'm back up to the full dose of 10mg of Abilify- this is my 3rd day at the full dose. I've been doing the light therapy for a week. And this morning, I feel like something has shifted, I feel tremendously better. I feel at peace. I actually did dishes this morning.

I hate to admit that I need so many meds. I mean, TWO antipsychotics? Am I that crazy? Apparently so. I think t0o many people are taking too many meds.I think antipsychotics are overprescribed. I think that polypharmacy has gotten out of control. And yet- it works for me. 10 years ago I was in and out of psych hospitals, on disability. Now, while my life is still very hard, I haven't seen the inside of a psych ward for 8 years, and I am working full time. Well, actually I have seen the inside of a psych ward- but as an occupational therapist treating patients, not as a patient.

I am probably on the least sedating "cocktail" that I have been on in years, so I shouldn't complain. If I can forget the weight gain- and I am no longer gaining (just haven't lost), the side effects aren't too bad, probably the best they have been in a while. Long term effects, yes, I worry about. But lets face it- I never thought that I would live this long (or want to live this long). And I almost didn't. So I'm really living on borrowed time. Without meds, I think I would have killed myself by now.

So I need to stop messing with my meds. Yes, keep taking all of my supplements, hoping that they will mitigate the bad things that my meds do- but I need to agree that for 1 year I will not touch my medication dosages.

I Need Abilify?

The past week has been the week from hell. I have been so depressed, I amazed myself by being able to get myself into work. Some days I think they should give gold medals for that- but I guess that is what a paycheck is for.

By 3 or 4pm things seem to get somewhat better, and I'm not so tearful, not so afraid that I'm going to be audibly repeating the words "I wish I were dead" that repeat constant in my head. But it is still bad. I go home and collapse.

Of course I have gone back on the Abilify. And I am doing my light therapy again, which I don't always do during the summer- but it has been so cloudy and rainy that I think I need it.

And then Tuesday I dragged myself to therapy after work. Somehow. And I am glad that I did.

I have always said that therapy does nothing for me when I am really depressed, except maybe let me vent. But my new therapist, who is big into DBT, focused on mindfulness, and that is something that I have never tried when depressed. And it helped. No, it didn't make the depression go away. But it did make it more bearable.

Depression takes so much away. When there is nothing that you want, life becomes just something that you have to push through, waiting to die. But I'm not suicidal, somehow. I guess there is still a part of me that is telling me this is probably just due to coming down on the Abilify, and that going back up on it will fix it. I hope. If not, I don't know what I am going to do.

Forever Meds?

How many of my meds are forever meds? If I listened to my psychiatrists, it would be everything, and I'd never come off of anything. I would just keep adding or raising at each new crisis, and never reduce. No doctor has ever tried to get me off of anything except klonopin.

But I have successfully taken myself off of a couple of things, and reduced some other dosages. And then, sometimes I haven't been able to. Maybe I didn't go slowly enough, or maybe I really need it right then.

But after going on the Abilify for a short period, I am ready to go off of it. I am better. My life is better. And I don't want my brain to get too used to it so that I will start needing it, and then withdrawal will be harder. But I am going off of it slowly. And I know that it is there if I need it again. Which I probably will, someday. I hope not someday anytime soon. But I know that Abilify really works for my depression, and fast.

I Believe in Abilify

I have upped my Abilify, and life is bearable again. The depression is not totally gone, but it is not agony anymore. And in a week, I'll be on vacation. Maybe that will pull me out even more. I'd like to think that something other than drugs can help me- especially the antipsychotics. But damn, they work so well. And the antidepressants by themselves are not enough- plus they make me manic without a good dose of my zyprexa.

The antipsychotics are the only meds I am not at peace with, that I keep trying to lower my doses of, that I don't want to be on. Between the weight gain, fear of tardive dyskinesia and other brain damage, who would want to take these drugs? Except that before I went on them, I was in and out of hospitals and had no life.

The antipsychotics are bad for your brain. But, as my psychiatrist reminded me, so is untreated depression. So I can't win. I'm going to have a damaged brain no matter what I do.

Meanwhile, I take lots of antioxidants and various supplements that I think will protect my brain. And I've started taking metformen because of the weight gain- which has helped some, but it is a little too late.

For now, I am just glad that I feel better enough to function a bit.

If only it were just bipolar...

I have learning disabilities. I did 2nd grade twice. I was in special reading classes. I did badly in school for many years. In college and grad school, I finally found out enough about learning disabilities to get untimed tests, and it saved me.

I was born before everyone talked about learning disabilities. When I was a kid, you didn't really test and label people. And when I finally was, it was dyslexia, which was the learning disability that people talked about. And I did have trouble reading, reversed numbers and letters, didn't know my left from my right, etc. So it fit.

In recently years ADHD is the in diagnosis. And I am told by some that I have ADD (I'm not really hyperactive). And that fits, too. And I have had testing, of course, where they didn't give me a label, just told me what my brain does well or poorly.

The labels are just labels. So, do you want to say that I have bipolar disorder, ADD, dyslexia, etc., or do you just want to say that I have a bad brain? That is what I think.

But it all comes together to make paperwork a nightmare- and I work in healthcare. And at my new job, we are back to paper charts. And we do a lot of the tasks that had always been done by other people- like faxing out our own charts to insurance companies for authorization. And it is really a nightmare.

If I am having a bad day, I just can't do it. And even when I am having a good day- it just takes me so much more effort than it would anyone else. Even just faxing out a chart- half the time I don't get the phone number right because I have transposed the numbers right and I have to resend it.

I had some rough weeks- and I got behind. And I am trying to catch up. And I am doing it, but it is so hard, it is taking all the joy out of my job, making me wonder if I picked the right profession. But what is the right profession for someone with bipolar and ADD and dyslexia? Is there one?

I think it will be better when we go to computer charts. Which is supposed to be coming. I had an easier time with it at my other jobs. Anything is better than paper for someone with ADD, who is a disorganized disaster.

What I really need is to work fewer hours. Fewer hours- fewer patients- less paperwork. Less chance of getting 3 evals in one day.

Something I really need to think about. I think I could cut down 4 hours a week and still have full time benefits. Of course less pay. But less worry about getting fired.

I used to think I might get a second job on the weekends or evenings to make some extra money. Pay off my debts faster. Who was I kidding? I'm going in to work on the weekends to catch up, I think. That is what I need to do. I just have to accept that.

Really, I got extra time on tests in college, I have always known I need extra time with my paperwork. I guess I just hoped that someday it would get easier- but at this recent job change, the paperwork situation seems to have gotten worse. Everything else about the job I love, I really do. And for that I am grateful. You can't have it all.