I think I am falling. I was so depressed today, it felt so physical- at times I thought I would collapse. This can't be happening again, not so soon. I don't even know why I am depressed. Shouldn't you be depressed about something?
I made it to my splinting workshop, and struggled to be mindful. At times, just being there felt like agony. At one point, another participant asked if I was okay. I told her I was just tired. I don't know how I made it through the class, and the drive home.
Now I have collapsed into bed. I don't know what to do. I guess increase my light therapy. I am not ready for a med change, it is too soon. I hope it doesn't come to that. And I don't know what else to do to head off the steam roller of depression, I never have. There ought to be something to do when you see is coming, when it is just starting- but if there is, I don't know what it is. Other than meds.
This is the time of year for me to get depressed. Maybe that is all it is, the change of seasons. Maybe I need to move to the equator.
Maybe I should try to get myself to a yoga class tomorrow morning. And then go swimming. It is a plan. Of course afterwards I have to go into work to do notes- I'm hoping the exercise will energize me and get rid of agitation and not exhaust me before I go in to work.
I don't know if this is a good or a bad thing: I can't take any klonopin right now. I wanted to take just a quarter milligram, to take the edge off things. But I can't find it- and I have two bottles of the stuff. That is how disorganized I am (and how rarely I take it recently). I have no patience to search- I started to, but that made me more agitated, which defeated the purpose of taking the klonopin...
I don't know if I should tell my psychiatrist this: yes, I do need another bottle, because I can't find the other two I have at home.
It was a good course today, and at least I wasn't crying- as I have been at a couple of other courses I've gone to when further into depressions. I was able to focus enough to learn. Maybe not enough to have the patience to make the best splints I have ever made, but enough to learn how to make them.
Showing posts with label work. Show all posts
Showing posts with label work. Show all posts
Saturday, September 21, 2013
Thursday, September 12, 2013
Why I love this country
America is a place for second chances and second acts. My current career is definitely my second act. I had to give up a potential career in research due to my illness. I kept getting sick, was in and out of the hospital, and had to go on disability. I was really, really bad at times. A lot of my hospitalizations were not voluntary. Some of it was the meds- they didn't realize I was bipolar, and then when they did, I was badly medicated for a while.
Once the meds got a little better, and I also started taking a bunch of supplements, I started feeling better enough to want to move on to something else. I learned about occupational therapy after my mother had a stroke, and decided it sounded like a good career for me. I also thought it sounded like a good ladder- if I could do the required volunteer work and take the remaining pre-req's to get admitted to a Master's program, then I could do the coursework. If I could do the coursework, then I could do the internships. If I could do the internships, then I could get a job and work full-time.
I took it all on faith that it would work. I even charged all the pre-req courses that I took at the local community college on my credit card, figuring either someday I'd pay it off- either that, or things would have gotten a lot worse- in which case there was bankruptcy. And I took out the maximum loans to pay all of my graduate school tuition (which I am still paying off).
But it was worth it. I have had a second chance, a second act. Something that hit me today, as my promotion at work went in to effect officially, I am now a senior occupational therapist. I love what I do, I can't imagine not being an occupational therapist. I am very lucky.
Once the meds got a little better, and I also started taking a bunch of supplements, I started feeling better enough to want to move on to something else. I learned about occupational therapy after my mother had a stroke, and decided it sounded like a good career for me. I also thought it sounded like a good ladder- if I could do the required volunteer work and take the remaining pre-req's to get admitted to a Master's program, then I could do the coursework. If I could do the coursework, then I could do the internships. If I could do the internships, then I could get a job and work full-time.
I took it all on faith that it would work. I even charged all the pre-req courses that I took at the local community college on my credit card, figuring either someday I'd pay it off- either that, or things would have gotten a lot worse- in which case there was bankruptcy. And I took out the maximum loans to pay all of my graduate school tuition (which I am still paying off).
But it was worth it. I have had a second chance, a second act. Something that hit me today, as my promotion at work went in to effect officially, I am now a senior occupational therapist. I love what I do, I can't imagine not being an occupational therapist. I am very lucky.
Friday, August 23, 2013
One of my weaknesses
I need to be more assertive.
I have been remiss in not being assertive enough with a co-worker. I wasn't sure how far to go in correcting a situation in which my advice was not asked for- but I did not go far enough.
It really is one of my weaknesses- my lack of assertiveness. I am better than I used to be, but still have a lot of room for improvement.
You could never guess the manic rages I have had. No one would believe that I have been in four point restraints. I remember a nurse once telling me that I was a very angry person, and that I had an anger problem. And I remember telling her (screaming, of course), that she had no idea who I was, and that I was not an angry person.
Mania was not me, did not feel like me. I knew that these rages did not mean that I was an angry person (other than in the present tense). Depression, unfortunately, does still feel like me. There is no little voice in my head telling me that this isn't the real me. In fact, the depression tells me that the is the most real me of all, the deep down authentic me.
But really, we are many things. We are always in flux. There is no real me- it is just a construct, a story I have about myself. It should be a comforting one. So why do I tell myself such bad stories sometimes?
I have been remiss in not being assertive enough with a co-worker. I wasn't sure how far to go in correcting a situation in which my advice was not asked for- but I did not go far enough.
It really is one of my weaknesses- my lack of assertiveness. I am better than I used to be, but still have a lot of room for improvement.
You could never guess the manic rages I have had. No one would believe that I have been in four point restraints. I remember a nurse once telling me that I was a very angry person, and that I had an anger problem. And I remember telling her (screaming, of course), that she had no idea who I was, and that I was not an angry person.
Mania was not me, did not feel like me. I knew that these rages did not mean that I was an angry person (other than in the present tense). Depression, unfortunately, does still feel like me. There is no little voice in my head telling me that this isn't the real me. In fact, the depression tells me that the is the most real me of all, the deep down authentic me.
But really, we are many things. We are always in flux. There is no real me- it is just a construct, a story I have about myself. It should be a comforting one. So why do I tell myself such bad stories sometimes?
Monday, June 24, 2013
The loneliness of depression
I am no longer feeling so "mixed" today, although I did have to take a sliver of klnopin and a sliver of zyprexa to take the edge off. But what is left is pure depression. Really bad depression, like I haven't had in some time. How did this happen so fast?
And yet I made it to work. Somehow. And didn't leave early- although I was so very tempted to. Some people don't think you can be that depressed if you are at work. They don't have any idea. The fingernails pressed into the back of my neck. The counting of the hours, the deals I make with myself. Skipping lunch because I didn't have any food to bring in and was way too depressed to go out. Feeling like I can't take another minute, and telling myself that I can, but not believing it.
But one of the worse things is the loneliness. When you have a severe mental illness and you work at a job were you need to be a responsible person, you have to put up a pretty good front. Where does that end? Must I spend my entire life denying what my inner life actually is?
If I were an alcoholic, there would be places for me any night of the week. But because I have a mood disorder, meetings are few and far between, especially where I live, and especially because I would two evenings a week. Today, when I left work, I really wanted somewhere to go. people to talk to in my situation.
We do have a "clubhouse" in our town. I went there once, searching. I wanted so badly to fit in there. But I didn't fit. No one was working- and my issues were how to work when you feel like hell! My issues were feeling like an impostor at work. And yet I felt like an impostor there, because I worked. I did not belong.
And yet I made it to work. Somehow. And didn't leave early- although I was so very tempted to. Some people don't think you can be that depressed if you are at work. They don't have any idea. The fingernails pressed into the back of my neck. The counting of the hours, the deals I make with myself. Skipping lunch because I didn't have any food to bring in and was way too depressed to go out. Feeling like I can't take another minute, and telling myself that I can, but not believing it.
But one of the worse things is the loneliness. When you have a severe mental illness and you work at a job were you need to be a responsible person, you have to put up a pretty good front. Where does that end? Must I spend my entire life denying what my inner life actually is?
If I were an alcoholic, there would be places for me any night of the week. But because I have a mood disorder, meetings are few and far between, especially where I live, and especially because I would two evenings a week. Today, when I left work, I really wanted somewhere to go. people to talk to in my situation.
We do have a "clubhouse" in our town. I went there once, searching. I wanted so badly to fit in there. But I didn't fit. No one was working- and my issues were how to work when you feel like hell! My issues were feeling like an impostor at work. And yet I felt like an impostor there, because I worked. I did not belong.
Wednesday, July 25, 2012
Maybe I quit therapy too soon?
I've been going through a tremendously bad time the past few days. I can't seem to get my equilibrium back, even though I'm back on my BC pill.
I have learned over the years not to call my mother wanting sympathy or understanding. It's not that she doesn't mean well, it is just that she doesn't understand at all (but thinks that she does), and that she is so needy herself.
So today she called to tell me about all of her problems and the ongoing problems of everyone living in her household (Grandma's house) - now up to 5!. She needs someone to talk to, and I can't always deal with it. I was particularly unsympathetic today, and cut the conversation short. I think she needs a therapist.
When I think about the last time that I saw my therapist, it was weird. I wasn't even sure that I wanted to quit therapy. Maybe I thought I'd reduce the frequency, or change the forcus, or something. I went in and said that I was re-thinking therapy. Thinking that we would talk about it. But which she took as me saying that I was quitting- she asked me why- I told her that the past two sessions I really had not felt like I had anything I needed to say, and that I wanted to focus on studying. And then she thanked me for coming in to tell her, and told me that she wouldn't charge me for today- and asked her if there was anything she had done or said wrong,etc.
So it is a strange situation.
I did something so strange today- I accidentally took my nighttime meds in the AM. So I went to work on 5mg of Zyprexa. Not fun. Fortunately, no sleeping pill in the mix- not that it has been working too well. I did manage to make it through the day, but it was a struggle. But maybe it helped me to be more mellow. No tears today. And then I came home and napped. Maybe, though, this double dose of Zyprexa is just what I needed to get me out of whatever I have gotten into these past few days. I do feel less crazy today. But it is not something I want to repeat.
I have definitely wanted someone to complain to the past few days- just like my mom. But then to talk about a work issue too. Is it better to be though crazy, lazy, or incompetent? I mean, being mentally ill is not an excuse for not getting your work done- you are still responsible for it, and you can still get fired if you don't do your job. But at the same time, it is an explanation. I tried going in this past weekend, I got myself there, I just couldn't keep myself together- I was feeling too crazy. And perhaps that truth is better than people thinking that I just don't care. Or maybe not.
I have learned over the years not to call my mother wanting sympathy or understanding. It's not that she doesn't mean well, it is just that she doesn't understand at all (but thinks that she does), and that she is so needy herself.
So today she called to tell me about all of her problems and the ongoing problems of everyone living in her household (Grandma's house) - now up to 5!. She needs someone to talk to, and I can't always deal with it. I was particularly unsympathetic today, and cut the conversation short. I think she needs a therapist.
When I think about the last time that I saw my therapist, it was weird. I wasn't even sure that I wanted to quit therapy. Maybe I thought I'd reduce the frequency, or change the forcus, or something. I went in and said that I was re-thinking therapy. Thinking that we would talk about it. But which she took as me saying that I was quitting- she asked me why- I told her that the past two sessions I really had not felt like I had anything I needed to say, and that I wanted to focus on studying. And then she thanked me for coming in to tell her, and told me that she wouldn't charge me for today- and asked her if there was anything she had done or said wrong,etc.
So it is a strange situation.
I did something so strange today- I accidentally took my nighttime meds in the AM. So I went to work on 5mg of Zyprexa. Not fun. Fortunately, no sleeping pill in the mix- not that it has been working too well. I did manage to make it through the day, but it was a struggle. But maybe it helped me to be more mellow. No tears today. And then I came home and napped. Maybe, though, this double dose of Zyprexa is just what I needed to get me out of whatever I have gotten into these past few days. I do feel less crazy today. But it is not something I want to repeat.
I have definitely wanted someone to complain to the past few days- just like my mom. But then to talk about a work issue too. Is it better to be though crazy, lazy, or incompetent? I mean, being mentally ill is not an excuse for not getting your work done- you are still responsible for it, and you can still get fired if you don't do your job. But at the same time, it is an explanation. I tried going in this past weekend, I got myself there, I just couldn't keep myself together- I was feeling too crazy. And perhaps that truth is better than people thinking that I just don't care. Or maybe not.
Saturday, January 8, 2011
If only it were just bipolar...
I have learning disabilities. I did 2nd grade twice. I was in special reading classes. I did badly in school for many years. In college and grad school, I finally found out enough about learning disabilities to get untimed tests, and it saved me.
I was born before everyone talked about learning disabilities. When I was a kid, you didn't really test and label people. And when I finally was, it was dyslexia, which was the learning disability that people talked about. And I did have trouble reading, reversed numbers and letters, didn't know my left from my right, etc. So it fit.
In recently years ADHD is the in diagnosis. And I am told by some that I have ADD (I'm not really hyperactive). And that fits, too. And I have had testing, of course, where they didn't give me a label, just told me what my brain does well or poorly.
The labels are just labels. So, do you want to say that I have bipolar disorder, ADD, dyslexia, etc., or do you just want to say that I have a bad brain? That is what I think.
But it all comes together to make paperwork a nightmare- and I work in healthcare. And at my new job, we are back to paper charts. And we do a lot of the tasks that had always been done by other people- like faxing out our own charts to insurance companies for authorization. And it is really a nightmare.
If I am having a bad day, I just can't do it. And even when I am having a good day- it just takes me so much more effort than it would anyone else. Even just faxing out a chart- half the time I don't get the phone number right because I have transposed the numbers right and I have to resend it.
I had some rough weeks- and I got behind. And I am trying to catch up. And I am doing it, but it is so hard, it is taking all the joy out of my job, making me wonder if I picked the right profession. But what is the right profession for someone with bipolar and ADD and dyslexia? Is there one?
I think it will be better when we go to computer charts. Which is supposed to be coming. I had an easier time with it at my other jobs. Anything is better than paper for someone with ADD, who is a disorganized disaster.
What I really need is to work fewer hours. Fewer hours- fewer patients- less paperwork. Less chance of getting 3 evals in one day.
Something I really need to think about. I think I could cut down 4 hours a week and still have full time benefits. Of course less pay. But less worry about getting fired.
I used to think I might get a second job on the weekends or evenings to make some extra money. Pay off my debts faster. Who was I kidding? I'm going in to work on the weekends to catch up, I think. That is what I need to do. I just have to accept that.
Really, I got extra time on tests in college, I have always known I need extra time with my paperwork. I guess I just hoped that someday it would get easier- but at this recent job change, the paperwork situation seems to have gotten worse. Everything else about the job I love, I really do. And for that I am grateful. You can't have it all.
Sunday, March 28, 2010
Renewed
Back on my full dose of zyprexa, and with the increased daylight, my mood is working its way upwards. Out of the depth of depression, to somewhere it hasn't been in quite some time.
And then I spent my weekend at a continuing education course- one that I wasn't even sure I wanted to take- getting trained on a new stroke rehab device. And I am stoked! I am so ready to go out and start treating stroke patients again! Just when I thought I had maybe burnt out on stroke.
I have to admit, I've been looking for the "magic bullet" in stroke rehab ever since I started studying OT., and of course never finding it. I have my hope in NMES, CIMT, robotics, imagery, and now the SAEBOFLEX. They are all tools, and some of them help different people. Unfortunately robotics are still prohibitively expensive for most places.
I really think that to get the arm back after a stroke, you need to train like an athelete. It's a 9 to 5 job, at least 5 days a week. And yet, we get 2-3 hours a week of therapy with our patients. The question is, how to get them to take it home, to keep practicing. And these are all some ways to do it. To continue the therapy outside of therapy. But only for the right patient. Some don't have the time- they need to get back to their job. Some don't have the resoursces, the motivation, the concentration, the cognitive capacity.
And then there are always those for that, the stroke was too severe, the deficits are too severe, the arm just isn't going to come back in any kind of meaningful way.
But with the Saebo, I have something new to offer my patients. A new tool.
And now I can't sleep, despite an Ambien and a klonopin. And I have to get up very early!
And then I spent my weekend at a continuing education course- one that I wasn't even sure I wanted to take- getting trained on a new stroke rehab device. And I am stoked! I am so ready to go out and start treating stroke patients again! Just when I thought I had maybe burnt out on stroke.
I have to admit, I've been looking for the "magic bullet" in stroke rehab ever since I started studying OT., and of course never finding it. I have my hope in NMES, CIMT, robotics, imagery, and now the SAEBOFLEX. They are all tools, and some of them help different people. Unfortunately robotics are still prohibitively expensive for most places.
I really think that to get the arm back after a stroke, you need to train like an athelete. It's a 9 to 5 job, at least 5 days a week. And yet, we get 2-3 hours a week of therapy with our patients. The question is, how to get them to take it home, to keep practicing. And these are all some ways to do it. To continue the therapy outside of therapy. But only for the right patient. Some don't have the time- they need to get back to their job. Some don't have the resoursces, the motivation, the concentration, the cognitive capacity.
And then there are always those for that, the stroke was too severe, the deficits are too severe, the arm just isn't going to come back in any kind of meaningful way.
But with the Saebo, I have something new to offer my patients. A new tool.
And now I can't sleep, despite an Ambien and a klonopin. And I have to get up very early!
Friday, March 12, 2010
Back to Work
I'm recently back from a conference that was really good. Plus, it was really good to get away. Now the reality of getting back to work.
I had 3 days of work this week, and on 1 day we were 2 staff down. The rest of us had to cover the patients. It was a really bad day- I had two hours when I had so many patients stroke patients at the same time that no one got good care at all. That really eats me up- by the end of the day I wanted to quit.
Today was better, thankfully. And I have an interesting new patient- just about the most apraxic I have ever seen. When a patient is "interesting," it is never good for the patient. If you are a patient, you want your situation to be mild and boring.
I "only" stayed 1 hour late today- which to me felt like getting out early. We don't get any allocated time for paperwork, phonecalls, equipment orders, etc. We are expected to do this during treatment sessions, and then stay extra as necessary. But unless I have a very high level patient, I don't usually get any notes done during treatment time.
I'm in a complaining mood, so I'd better stop here. Healthcare is what it is. And I want everyone to get excellent care, and get all the care they need, and get better. And I don't want to have to put in long hours for paperwork. And I don't want to have to take a pay cut so that we can increase staffing levels or have dedicated hours for paperwork. I want the impossible.
Mostly I wish I could afford to work part time for a while. But that's not an option. Plus, I need health insurance!
I had 3 days of work this week, and on 1 day we were 2 staff down. The rest of us had to cover the patients. It was a really bad day- I had two hours when I had so many patients stroke patients at the same time that no one got good care at all. That really eats me up- by the end of the day I wanted to quit.
Today was better, thankfully. And I have an interesting new patient- just about the most apraxic I have ever seen. When a patient is "interesting," it is never good for the patient. If you are a patient, you want your situation to be mild and boring.
I "only" stayed 1 hour late today- which to me felt like getting out early. We don't get any allocated time for paperwork, phonecalls, equipment orders, etc. We are expected to do this during treatment sessions, and then stay extra as necessary. But unless I have a very high level patient, I don't usually get any notes done during treatment time.
I'm in a complaining mood, so I'd better stop here. Healthcare is what it is. And I want everyone to get excellent care, and get all the care they need, and get better. And I don't want to have to put in long hours for paperwork. And I don't want to have to take a pay cut so that we can increase staffing levels or have dedicated hours for paperwork. I want the impossible.
Mostly I wish I could afford to work part time for a while. But that's not an option. Plus, I need health insurance!
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
Too much drama!
It was a very high drama day at work. Patients, families, fighting between patients and their families. Not good. By the end of the day, I felt like I needed a drink!
I don't like yelling or angry voices. And I can't stand meanness- although I have never figured out how to deal with it, whether it is expressed towards me or someone else. I stay calm, I say reasonable things, and I come away feeling like I was walked all over.
Assertiveness is something I am still learning. And with some people you have to be more assertive than with others!
I don't like yelling or angry voices. And I can't stand meanness- although I have never figured out how to deal with it, whether it is expressed towards me or someone else. I stay calm, I say reasonable things, and I come away feeling like I was walked all over.
Assertiveness is something I am still learning. And with some people you have to be more assertive than with others!
Saturday, February 27, 2010
Patients Who Break My Heart
I'm having a lot of these recently. A lot of late-state Multiple Sclerosis patients. One who is clinging on to indepedent living by a thread, and I don't know how much longer he can do it. And one who is so involved I am teaching her how to use a mouth stick. At home, she spends her days in bed. And a stroke patient whose vision is so affected that, while he might be able to go back to work eventually, he'll probably never drive again. And he lives alone. Lots of changes are going to have to happen in his life.
I am biased. When someone is approximately my age, it affects me more. I remember my first ICU evaluation. It was a woman with a devastating stroke, who was exactly my age. People my age aren't even supposed to have strokes! Or so I thought, before I went into this field. I had tears in my eyes as I did the eval, and hoped no one noticed. But she did amazingly well in rehab. The arm never came back, but she is walking and back at home with her kids and out in the community.
Working in this field grounds me. I often say that if I was a wedding planner, if I worked with happy people all day, I'd have to shoot myself! Instead, I am reminded daily that I have no monopoly on sufferring or difficulty. I can't feel too sorry for myself- although I have moments when I still manage to, but not many. Everyone has their own story, their own trials, their own battles, their own joys.
And I am inspired daily to see patients who manage to have good and productive lives despite considerable disability. I am constantly amazed to see how two people with the same level of physical disability live completely different lives, have different levels of handicap. There is a concept called "resiliance" that is being talked about a lot recently. How well you adapt and respond to adversity.
I think that depression is the opposite of resiliance.
I am biased. When someone is approximately my age, it affects me more. I remember my first ICU evaluation. It was a woman with a devastating stroke, who was exactly my age. People my age aren't even supposed to have strokes! Or so I thought, before I went into this field. I had tears in my eyes as I did the eval, and hoped no one noticed. But she did amazingly well in rehab. The arm never came back, but she is walking and back at home with her kids and out in the community.
Working in this field grounds me. I often say that if I was a wedding planner, if I worked with happy people all day, I'd have to shoot myself! Instead, I am reminded daily that I have no monopoly on sufferring or difficulty. I can't feel too sorry for myself- although I have moments when I still manage to, but not many. Everyone has their own story, their own trials, their own battles, their own joys.
And I am inspired daily to see patients who manage to have good and productive lives despite considerable disability. I am constantly amazed to see how two people with the same level of physical disability live completely different lives, have different levels of handicap. There is a concept called "resiliance" that is being talked about a lot recently. How well you adapt and respond to adversity.
I think that depression is the opposite of resiliance.
Friday, February 26, 2010
Snow Day #2
OK, I wimped out. I made the mistake of watching TV news this morning, and of course they always have to play everything up. Dire warnings, don't go out unless you have to. Pictures of cars on the side of the road and accidents.
So when I called in to say I'd be late, and they told me that my first patient had cancelled, I decided I wasn't going in. Not for two patients, who might not even show up. So I gave word to cancel them, and I'm staying home. Thank God for the great office staff who actually made it in on time.
But it really doesn't look too terrible outside. Not good, but not a blizzard either. I've driven in worse. Why did I get all scaredy-cat now? Because I had many years of not driving while living in cities, I just went back to driving this past April. And I haven't done any winter driving in almost 10 years.
When I think about all the meds I was taking 10 years ago, I probably shouldn't have been driving at times- although I was very careful not to take certain meds before I drove. And then there was my manic driving, when I could not stay within the speed limit. I got 3 speeding tickets. Of course lots of people speed without the excuse of mania.
Now I am a much better driver, and much more comfortable driving. And not manic, and not taking any benzodiazapines. And I have a great little car, a Honda Civic, which I am leasing. I wouldn't want anything smaller, living in the northeast where I have to deal with snow occasionally.
So how to enjoy my snow day? I'm definately putting on my boots and getting outside. Maybe I'll walk to the chinese restaurant for lunch. And I'm going to study. I really have to study.
So when I called in to say I'd be late, and they told me that my first patient had cancelled, I decided I wasn't going in. Not for two patients, who might not even show up. So I gave word to cancel them, and I'm staying home. Thank God for the great office staff who actually made it in on time.
But it really doesn't look too terrible outside. Not good, but not a blizzard either. I've driven in worse. Why did I get all scaredy-cat now? Because I had many years of not driving while living in cities, I just went back to driving this past April. And I haven't done any winter driving in almost 10 years.
When I think about all the meds I was taking 10 years ago, I probably shouldn't have been driving at times- although I was very careful not to take certain meds before I drove. And then there was my manic driving, when I could not stay within the speed limit. I got 3 speeding tickets. Of course lots of people speed without the excuse of mania.
Now I am a much better driver, and much more comfortable driving. And not manic, and not taking any benzodiazapines. And I have a great little car, a Honda Civic, which I am leasing. I wouldn't want anything smaller, living in the northeast where I have to deal with snow occasionally.
So how to enjoy my snow day? I'm definately putting on my boots and getting outside. Maybe I'll walk to the chinese restaurant for lunch. And I'm going to study. I really have to study.
Thursday, February 25, 2010
Snow Day
Today we had snow. I've lived in upstate NY, and life there just goes on, but here people aren't so used to it. I saw all of 3 patients today, and some therapists saw less. Yes, I work in outpatient, where patients have the option of coming. The inpatient therapists had a full caseload.
It was a fun day at work, very laid back. A lot of joking and playing around. A lot of catching up on some paperwork that really needed attending to. Plus were were told to call tomorrow's patients to reschedule or cancel therm- but 3 of mine are still coming in.
Tomorrow may be worse. The snow is supposed to continue all night, and the temperature is supposed to drop- the roads will probably freeze. But I have every intention of going in to work tomorrow. I don't want to take another PTO day for a snow day. I have 3 patients to treat, and paperwork to do. But I'm going in a little late, after my parking lot has been plowed and the roads are cleared.
I wonder if we jumped the gun with cancelling tomorrow's patients. Maybe it won't be so bad. Or maybe it will. Weather is just not an exact science.
So tonight I'm relaxing with a cup of hot chocolate and watching the olympics. The wind is picking up outside, and it gives me a cozy feeling to listen to it, dry and warm. I haven't been saying this a lot in recent months- but sometimes life is good. If only for a moment. What is life but moments?
It was a fun day at work, very laid back. A lot of joking and playing around. A lot of catching up on some paperwork that really needed attending to. Plus were were told to call tomorrow's patients to reschedule or cancel therm- but 3 of mine are still coming in.
Tomorrow may be worse. The snow is supposed to continue all night, and the temperature is supposed to drop- the roads will probably freeze. But I have every intention of going in to work tomorrow. I don't want to take another PTO day for a snow day. I have 3 patients to treat, and paperwork to do. But I'm going in a little late, after my parking lot has been plowed and the roads are cleared.
I wonder if we jumped the gun with cancelling tomorrow's patients. Maybe it won't be so bad. Or maybe it will. Weather is just not an exact science.
So tonight I'm relaxing with a cup of hot chocolate and watching the olympics. The wind is picking up outside, and it gives me a cozy feeling to listen to it, dry and warm. I haven't been saying this a lot in recent months- but sometimes life is good. If only for a moment. What is life but moments?
Monday, February 22, 2010
Good Day at Work
I had a good day at work, a good occupational therapy day. I had enough patients, but not too many. Enough time to give my patients what they need. Good patient interactions.
I had a discharge today, one of my long-timers. Someone who has really come a long way- one of the people who reminds me why I do this. I'll miss her.
I think the day was almost all stroke patients today, which can be very intense. Plus I had one workmen's comp patient, and the case manager came today to observe therapy, which can be a little awkward. But I think it went OK.
This evening I am exhausted, but not from work. It is that time of the month, and when I get my period I always have 2-3 days when I get really severe exhaustion. I feel like I can't move. Usually it comes with depression, this time it did not. I just have the exhaustion. This is why I take the pill so I only get my pill every 3 months. I couldn't deal with this every month. I used to spend a lot of days in bed. Or, I used to get crazy every month. To say nothing about the cramps I get- but now I've discovered Aleive, and if I take it at prescription strength, I'm pretty OK.
So no, I didn't make it to the gym, or clean, or study hand therapy this evening. I just sat in front of the TV and melted into the couch. Until I finally got enough energy to get up and eat, and now to sit in front of the computer before I take meds and go to bed.
I hope I have more energy tomorrow. One of my co-workers is out, so I will have some extra patients, it is going to be a busy day. Not like today. I have a feeling I won't have so much time for giving my patients the individual attention I want to tomorrow.
When I am treating orthopedic patients, I don't mind treating more than one patient at a time. In fact, the idea of just treating 1 hand therapy patient at a time, all day long, sounds really boring to me. But most of my caseload is neurological right now, and I feel very differently about that. My neuro patients I do wish I could give one-on-one treatment for all of their sessions. Unfornately, most places don't work that way anymore.
The stroke patients coming to outpatient therapy are getting more and more involved, as patients get kicked out of inpatient rehab quicker and quicker. Many of them come to us and they can't walk, they can't transfer independently, they can't dress themselves, they can't sit unsupported- I am starting to feel like I'm doing inpatient rehab at times. And I just feel bad for the patients, because outpatient doesn't give them the intensity of therapy that they need. They need more- and we are their last stop.
Of course some patients will continue to improve on their own, after the end of therapy. These are usually the higher functioning patients. The patients who have less function, and can do less on their own, they are much less likely to make gains on their own- and more likely to decline after discharge from therapy.
I had a discharge today, one of my long-timers. Someone who has really come a long way- one of the people who reminds me why I do this. I'll miss her.
I think the day was almost all stroke patients today, which can be very intense. Plus I had one workmen's comp patient, and the case manager came today to observe therapy, which can be a little awkward. But I think it went OK.
This evening I am exhausted, but not from work. It is that time of the month, and when I get my period I always have 2-3 days when I get really severe exhaustion. I feel like I can't move. Usually it comes with depression, this time it did not. I just have the exhaustion. This is why I take the pill so I only get my pill every 3 months. I couldn't deal with this every month. I used to spend a lot of days in bed. Or, I used to get crazy every month. To say nothing about the cramps I get- but now I've discovered Aleive, and if I take it at prescription strength, I'm pretty OK.
So no, I didn't make it to the gym, or clean, or study hand therapy this evening. I just sat in front of the TV and melted into the couch. Until I finally got enough energy to get up and eat, and now to sit in front of the computer before I take meds and go to bed.
I hope I have more energy tomorrow. One of my co-workers is out, so I will have some extra patients, it is going to be a busy day. Not like today. I have a feeling I won't have so much time for giving my patients the individual attention I want to tomorrow.
When I am treating orthopedic patients, I don't mind treating more than one patient at a time. In fact, the idea of just treating 1 hand therapy patient at a time, all day long, sounds really boring to me. But most of my caseload is neurological right now, and I feel very differently about that. My neuro patients I do wish I could give one-on-one treatment for all of their sessions. Unfornately, most places don't work that way anymore.
The stroke patients coming to outpatient therapy are getting more and more involved, as patients get kicked out of inpatient rehab quicker and quicker. Many of them come to us and they can't walk, they can't transfer independently, they can't dress themselves, they can't sit unsupported- I am starting to feel like I'm doing inpatient rehab at times. And I just feel bad for the patients, because outpatient doesn't give them the intensity of therapy that they need. They need more- and we are their last stop.
Of course some patients will continue to improve on their own, after the end of therapy. These are usually the higher functioning patients. The patients who have less function, and can do less on their own, they are much less likely to make gains on their own- and more likely to decline after discharge from therapy.
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