I hate that I am here again

I have been having a lot of trouble sleeping. Both falling asleep and staying asleep. And so I have been taking klonopin, much as I hate to do that. But last night I took too much, I think- because around 3pm this afternoon I suddenly started having this massive panic attack. That is when my anxiety usually kicks in- but it is not usually that bad. I took a quarter of a milligram, and it got much better. I even stay late to do some notes. But I don't want to take anymore klonopin. And yet- the anxiety is still there, although not as bad- and I don't think I'll sleep. So I raised the Zyprexa. And I hate that.l

I thought I was doing okay at 5mg. And then the insomnia started getting worse, not better. I don't know. I see my pshrink in a couple of weeks, maybe he will have some answers. Maybe I just need a new sleeping pill- maybe it is the end of the line for me with ambien. Maybe I should give lunesta another shot. It seemed to be stronger. I just wasn't sure if it was making me depressed- but I was very depressed at the time. And maybe it is time to give melatonin another shot, just as an add on.

If I had been miserable at 5mg, I would go back up to 7.5mg, and just say that is what I need. But I really thought I had been doing ok. Plus I lost a dozen pounds by going down. I thought that I was set with my meds. But insomnia is really what often breaks me, and has stopped me from getting off of Zyprexa all together.

Today I had my moment of self-pity: "normal people don't have these problems!" I guess they don't. They just have other problems. You would think that in my line of work that I would find it hard to feel self-pity- and really, I have picked a good profession. If I worked as a wedding planner I would have to shoot myself. Working with people who are injured or sick- it is very good for teaching me that we all suffer and that I have no monopoly on that. Not much room for self-pity. Except that it does sneak in every now and then.

But for now, the increased Zyprexa seems to be doing its job, and I think I am going to go to sleep. Without any extra klonopin (other than the emergency half pill I took at work). I did take ambien. I wonder if I could take this higher Zyprexa, and get off of ambien and klonopin. Would it work? I don't even know if I want to try. Can't think right now, just want to sleep.