I made it through the day

Today the Zyprexa didn't seem to be having quite as much of an effect- although it was still a better day than Monday. At times I really struggled- but I made it through the day. I am hoping that this doesn't mean that I need more in the way of meds. I don't know how long to give this. I did make a therapy appointment for tomorrow, although it is not normally a week that I go.

I don't think the fever is back- no chills. I don't feel feverish. I just have pain in my hands. No word on the lab tests yet. And I feel exhausted, although that could just be emotional.

Nothing interesting to write about- except that, over the past few days, I decided that maybe I should get lymphedema certified. My boss is, and she is totally busy- and could use the help. And it would make me a more valuable employee. And I really do like hands-on work with patients. But I think that what really made me think that is worry that maybe I have rheumatoid or something like that. Lymphedema massage is extremely gentle, and wouldn't wear out my joints as much as the manual work I do now.

OK, so one moment I want to kill myself, and the next I want to get lymphedema certified! That is the way that my mind has been working.

I have to figure out what work would pay for, because it is expensive. And maybe with my recent moodiness, now is not the best time to ask. But it is part of my 1 year plan, assuming that there is a one year.

It isn't unusual for me to come up with big plans and have suicidal thoughts at the same times. Because what I want is change from the current situation. The present is intolerable. So maybe the choice is between killing myself or quitting my job to hike the Appalachian Trail. Both would get me out of the present moment. The problem is, as my depression worsens, the big plans seem just to hard- and the only option left is the other one.

I once tried to tell myself that if I was ever going to kill myself, I would first max out my credit cards and take an amazing vacation first (I didn't have a 401K at the time). But it doesn't work that way- or at least not for me. If I could take that vacation- that would mean I was not too bad off.