There is theory, and then there is practice

In my head, I agree a lot with the "anti-psychiatry" movement. Not entirely, but some. In theory, I hate meds- especially antipsychotics. In practice, my pantry is a pharmacy, and I think some extra Zyprexa yesterday may have saved my life- or at least my career. I was reasonably okay today at work. I had a little bit of peace, and no tears. I did still have to take some klonopin, though. In theory, I wouldn't be taking that either.

It doesn't matter if I am medicating life- I evidently can't fix my life and I can't handle my life unmedicated. I don't want another day like yesterday. I really was starting to think that I didn't want to keep on living. So whatever bad things Zyprexa does to me- unless it is worse than death, I'll take it.

One of these days I'll feel that way again and I won't have notes to finish writing or an apartment to clean- the two times I tried I didn't have these commitments. I had nothing to stop me. Now I am too conscientious. My notes have to be done. I should clean. Let people know where all my bank accounts and financial info is. Last time I just wrote a note. Simpler times.

But if my mind is better today, my hands hurt. I had to take aspirin at work. I can't decide if I hope the blood work finds something or not. I would like an answer- but not if it is anything bad. The least bad thing that I can think of that causes joint pain in the hands is hemochromatosis, so I guess that is what I hope that they find.