I am still really struggling. I think the season changing and the time changing has just pushed me a little too far. I am still hoping to just come out of this, but I am less and less confident that I will. I am trying to will myself not to be depressed, to make myself function. But I am starting to give in to it- I didn't go to yoga today. And I can feel my mind starting to go, my paperwork time is pretty unproductive.
But hopefully the weekend will give me what I need. I wish that there was something I could do when I feel myself falling into a depression, to catch it early, to stave it off- but if there is anything to do, I haven't discovered what it is. Sometimes temporarily raising my Zyprexa has helped, and I'm open to that as long as it is temporary- but it can be very sedating too. Which doesn't always help with functioning.
It was dark and cloudy today with a little bit of rain- really not what I needed. I fled to my car during lunch time but didn't get to sit in the sun. There was no sun. I wonder what the weather is tomorrow.
I have a social obligation tomorrow. I am wondering if I should cancel it. Maybe I won't be able to make myself go tomorrow- or I'll just hate it anyway. And if I am not going, it is better to cancel today than the last minute. I don't know. This is the dilemma the depression gives you. How hard do you push yourself? And do you take on commitments that you know you might not keep? Do you say yes when the depression is saying no? Or do you spend the rest or your life in bed?
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