I am still really struggling. I think the season changing and the time changing has just pushed me a little too far. I am still hoping to just come out of this, but I am less and less confident that I will. I am trying to will myself not to be depressed, to make myself function. But I am starting to give in to it- I didn't go to yoga today. And I can feel my mind starting to go, my paperwork time is pretty unproductive.
But hopefully the weekend will give me what I need. I wish that there was something I could do when I feel myself falling into a depression, to catch it early, to stave it off- but if there is anything to do, I haven't discovered what it is. Sometimes temporarily raising my Zyprexa has helped, and I'm open to that as long as it is temporary- but it can be very sedating too. Which doesn't always help with functioning.
It was dark and cloudy today with a little bit of rain- really not what I needed. I fled to my car during lunch time but didn't get to sit in the sun. There was no sun. I wonder what the weather is tomorrow.
I have a social obligation tomorrow. I am wondering if I should cancel it. Maybe I won't be able to make myself go tomorrow- or I'll just hate it anyway. And if I am not going, it is better to cancel today than the last minute. I don't know. This is the dilemma the depression gives you. How hard do you push yourself? And do you take on commitments that you know you might not keep? Do you say yes when the depression is saying no? Or do you spend the rest or your life in bed?
Showing posts with label depression. Show all posts
Showing posts with label depression. Show all posts
Friday, November 8, 2013
Sunday, October 6, 2013
Not a good day
I am feeling depressed and lonely. I'm really feeling bad. I hate this. I hate the not knowing. Is this temporary. Is this a sign that lowering my meds recently was a bad idea. Is this just a bad day, what. I hate having to analyze my moods. I just want to be.
I used to have the 3 day rule, and I should try to stick to it. It has be be 3 bad days before I worry, before I examine meds, change light therapy, etc. I have 3 days to just deal with it and hope it goes away on its own. Sometimes I've had to act a little faster with a mania, but with a depression I can usually wait 3 days before things get too out of hand. So I wait.
I am in bed- I keep thinking I want to nap, but then I can't. I just want to lie here.
Ice cream would be nice. But I only have healthy food around. Damn. What is the connection between ice cream and depression? I don't know. That is what I want to eat when I am depressed. Otherwise I hardly ever let myself eat it. And when I am depressed, I am usually too depressed to go to the store to get it anyway.
I used to have the 3 day rule, and I should try to stick to it. It has be be 3 bad days before I worry, before I examine meds, change light therapy, etc. I have 3 days to just deal with it and hope it goes away on its own. Sometimes I've had to act a little faster with a mania, but with a depression I can usually wait 3 days before things get too out of hand. So I wait.
I am in bed- I keep thinking I want to nap, but then I can't. I just want to lie here.
Ice cream would be nice. But I only have healthy food around. Damn. What is the connection between ice cream and depression? I don't know. That is what I want to eat when I am depressed. Otherwise I hardly ever let myself eat it. And when I am depressed, I am usually too depressed to go to the store to get it anyway.
Sunday, September 22, 2013
How hard to push myself? I don't know.
I did find my klonopin last night, and took half a milligram- enough to get me to sleep- I slept 10 hours, and awoke sleepy but feeling calm. I decided to stay home, and not do the things I had planned. I napped, I read, I did little things. I really didn't feel too bad until mid afternoon, when the depression started to kick in again, but it was easier to bear than yesterday- because I didn't have to function.I didn't have that added stress.
Did I do the right thing? The wrong thing? I don't know. Maybe I should have made myself do something.
Tomorrow is Monday, and work. I don't know if it is going to make things better or worse.
Depression teaches you that you are not in control. You think you are in control of your life- one minute things are going well- and then the next minute you are in hell. And you don't know how to get out. All you can try to do is to survive.
I'm not having a lot of faith in meds right now. It's just that I've never know what else there is, when things get bad enough. I suppose the alternative is to just accept the feelings, and see the depression through- and hope you don't lose your entire life in the process.
Did I do the right thing? The wrong thing? I don't know. Maybe I should have made myself do something.
Tomorrow is Monday, and work. I don't know if it is going to make things better or worse.
Depression teaches you that you are not in control. You think you are in control of your life- one minute things are going well- and then the next minute you are in hell. And you don't know how to get out. All you can try to do is to survive.
I'm not having a lot of faith in meds right now. It's just that I've never know what else there is, when things get bad enough. I suppose the alternative is to just accept the feelings, and see the depression through- and hope you don't lose your entire life in the process.
Saturday, September 21, 2013
Can you will yourself not to get depressed?
I think I am falling. I was so depressed today, it felt so physical- at times I thought I would collapse. This can't be happening again, not so soon. I don't even know why I am depressed. Shouldn't you be depressed about something?
I made it to my splinting workshop, and struggled to be mindful. At times, just being there felt like agony. At one point, another participant asked if I was okay. I told her I was just tired. I don't know how I made it through the class, and the drive home.
Now I have collapsed into bed. I don't know what to do. I guess increase my light therapy. I am not ready for a med change, it is too soon. I hope it doesn't come to that. And I don't know what else to do to head off the steam roller of depression, I never have. There ought to be something to do when you see is coming, when it is just starting- but if there is, I don't know what it is. Other than meds.
This is the time of year for me to get depressed. Maybe that is all it is, the change of seasons. Maybe I need to move to the equator.
Maybe I should try to get myself to a yoga class tomorrow morning. And then go swimming. It is a plan. Of course afterwards I have to go into work to do notes- I'm hoping the exercise will energize me and get rid of agitation and not exhaust me before I go in to work.
I don't know if this is a good or a bad thing: I can't take any klonopin right now. I wanted to take just a quarter milligram, to take the edge off things. But I can't find it- and I have two bottles of the stuff. That is how disorganized I am (and how rarely I take it recently). I have no patience to search- I started to, but that made me more agitated, which defeated the purpose of taking the klonopin...
I don't know if I should tell my psychiatrist this: yes, I do need another bottle, because I can't find the other two I have at home.
It was a good course today, and at least I wasn't crying- as I have been at a couple of other courses I've gone to when further into depressions. I was able to focus enough to learn. Maybe not enough to have the patience to make the best splints I have ever made, but enough to learn how to make them.
I made it to my splinting workshop, and struggled to be mindful. At times, just being there felt like agony. At one point, another participant asked if I was okay. I told her I was just tired. I don't know how I made it through the class, and the drive home.
Now I have collapsed into bed. I don't know what to do. I guess increase my light therapy. I am not ready for a med change, it is too soon. I hope it doesn't come to that. And I don't know what else to do to head off the steam roller of depression, I never have. There ought to be something to do when you see is coming, when it is just starting- but if there is, I don't know what it is. Other than meds.
This is the time of year for me to get depressed. Maybe that is all it is, the change of seasons. Maybe I need to move to the equator.
Maybe I should try to get myself to a yoga class tomorrow morning. And then go swimming. It is a plan. Of course afterwards I have to go into work to do notes- I'm hoping the exercise will energize me and get rid of agitation and not exhaust me before I go in to work.
I don't know if this is a good or a bad thing: I can't take any klonopin right now. I wanted to take just a quarter milligram, to take the edge off things. But I can't find it- and I have two bottles of the stuff. That is how disorganized I am (and how rarely I take it recently). I have no patience to search- I started to, but that made me more agitated, which defeated the purpose of taking the klonopin...
I don't know if I should tell my psychiatrist this: yes, I do need another bottle, because I can't find the other two I have at home.
It was a good course today, and at least I wasn't crying- as I have been at a couple of other courses I've gone to when further into depressions. I was able to focus enough to learn. Maybe not enough to have the patience to make the best splints I have ever made, but enough to learn how to make them.
Saturday, August 11, 2012
A lot of drama at work
As if I didn't have enough drama in my personal life, I've had a lot of drama at work. Just a difficult work week with patients not doing well, etc., and having to call doctors more than in the past 2 weeks than I think that I ever have.
But I made it through the week, and no I did not quit. But I was quite grateful for the week to be over.
This week I also swallowed my pride and called my therapist- yes, the one I just quit, to go back to therapy. I will see if it helps.
And I am doing something that has me very hopeful. I read about a study conducted in South Korea in which they gave depressed women Lexapro, and then either 5 grams of creatine or a placebo as an add on. The people who got the creatine got much better, much faster. And no, they did not try the creatine by itself. That, of course, would be too radical. Much less radical to say that creatine augments antidepressants than to say that it is an antidepressant.
So I went to the local Rite Aid after work yesterday, and found some in the body building aisle (yes, there was a whole aisle for body building). I felt strange buying it- like I wanted to tell the cashier- no, I'm really taking it for depression (as one look at me will tell you that I am not a body builder).
Just what I need, another expensive supplement to add. I take too many supplements, I think. If I didn't take any medication, I don't know if I would take any supplements. But now that I am in the routine of taking pills every day, and in the mindset of "better living through chemistry," why not add on more pills to take? At least these supplements I control, and I don't need a doctor's okay or prescription for them. I like that. The downside is no insurance reimbursement.
I didn't know what to expect with the creatine. I took my first dose last evening, my second dose this morning. And I think I actually feel it. It is a little energizing, it feels good. I feel a little better. Without any of the agitation of something like wellbutrin. So I am hopeful. I just hope that this is not a temporary effect.
Also good news. I just got back the results of lab work for my physical. As someone who takes Zyprexa and is overweight, I am terrified of diabetes. But my blood sugar and A1C are still in the normal range- in fact even lower this year than last year. Something I attribute to the large dose of resverotrol I am taking, I think. Because I have been eating horrible the past few months with this depression, and it shows- my cholesterol is up. But still in the borderline high level, so hopefully my doctor is not going to try to put me on a statin come Monday.
But I made it through the week, and no I did not quit. But I was quite grateful for the week to be over.
This week I also swallowed my pride and called my therapist- yes, the one I just quit, to go back to therapy. I will see if it helps.
And I am doing something that has me very hopeful. I read about a study conducted in South Korea in which they gave depressed women Lexapro, and then either 5 grams of creatine or a placebo as an add on. The people who got the creatine got much better, much faster. And no, they did not try the creatine by itself. That, of course, would be too radical. Much less radical to say that creatine augments antidepressants than to say that it is an antidepressant.
So I went to the local Rite Aid after work yesterday, and found some in the body building aisle (yes, there was a whole aisle for body building). I felt strange buying it- like I wanted to tell the cashier- no, I'm really taking it for depression (as one look at me will tell you that I am not a body builder).
Just what I need, another expensive supplement to add. I take too many supplements, I think. If I didn't take any medication, I don't know if I would take any supplements. But now that I am in the routine of taking pills every day, and in the mindset of "better living through chemistry," why not add on more pills to take? At least these supplements I control, and I don't need a doctor's okay or prescription for them. I like that. The downside is no insurance reimbursement.
I didn't know what to expect with the creatine. I took my first dose last evening, my second dose this morning. And I think I actually feel it. It is a little energizing, it feels good. I feel a little better. Without any of the agitation of something like wellbutrin. So I am hopeful. I just hope that this is not a temporary effect.
Also good news. I just got back the results of lab work for my physical. As someone who takes Zyprexa and is overweight, I am terrified of diabetes. But my blood sugar and A1C are still in the normal range- in fact even lower this year than last year. Something I attribute to the large dose of resverotrol I am taking, I think. Because I have been eating horrible the past few months with this depression, and it shows- my cholesterol is up. But still in the borderline high level, so hopefully my doctor is not going to try to put me on a statin come Monday.
Sunday, June 17, 2012
10 years later
My step mother is about to turn 70 next week. She has a lot of relatives coming in to town, including her sister. Her sister made a comment about whether or not I would be there- given what happened 10 years ago.
Yes, 10 years ago on my step mother's 60th birthday, I overdosed. It was very bad. Intensive care, a week in the medical hospital, then involuntary transfer to psych hospital.
I felt very bad about the timing, but I just couldn't stand one second more. In fact, the last thing I remember saying before I threw up on the EMT and then passed out was to not tell my step mother.
Of course she did find out. Of course she had her birthday ruined. She spent it at the hospital with my dad where they told them that they didn't know if I would live or die, or have brain damage, but that they would do everything they could do.
Unfortunately, the psychiatrist came around too. Even though I was unconscious, they decided to get involved- and interrogated my parents. They asked them what they had said to me, that they must have said something. They blamed them for this. That was very mean, and not true. I had even written a suicide note saying that this wasn't anyone's fault.
What was going on? I was getting extremely depressed again, even on Parnate, the best of antidepressants (for me). So my doctor raised it from 90mg to the super high dosage of 120mg, which just made me depressed and agitated, even worse. So I decided the hell with this, it is making me worse, I'm just going to stop taking it. And I need to do a washout anyway, if I want to do another antidepressant. And my doctor was out of town and unavailable. But in 48 hours I found out that things could even be worse off of Parnate, which I didn't think was possible, and I couldn't bear another minute of this- and decided I had enough of living. And hence the overdose. Topamax and Lamictal, that is what I took.
But that has been my last hospitalization. It has been almost 10 years since I have been in the psych hospital (or any hospital). What changed?
Well, partially, it was meds. Much as I hate the Zyprexa, I have never been manic on it, even on antidepressants. And much as I complain about Effexor at times, it has also been an awesome antidepressant, especially with respect to my obsessions. Plus, there are a lot of ways to augment it, change doses, prop it up and keep it going, and that is what we have been doing over the years. The MAOI's didn't have that kind of flexibility.
But partially it has also been work. I started working as an OT 8.5 years ago, and that has been a very stabilizing force in my life- from the regular hours to social interaction to feeling needed, work has (mostly) been a good thing.
I have been living closer to family too.
I also started recognizing that I am my own best expert, and that I have more at stake in this than any psychiatrist. I started trusting them a lot less, and myself a lot more. Unfortunately, no one will give me my own prescription pad yet!
10 years since I have been in a psych hospital. Maybe I should stop complaining about my current meds, given how many hospitalizations there were in previous years.
I am not going to ruin my step mother's birthday this year. I told her I can't guarantee next year, but this year's should be fine!
Yes, 10 years ago on my step mother's 60th birthday, I overdosed. It was very bad. Intensive care, a week in the medical hospital, then involuntary transfer to psych hospital.
I felt very bad about the timing, but I just couldn't stand one second more. In fact, the last thing I remember saying before I threw up on the EMT and then passed out was to not tell my step mother.
Of course she did find out. Of course she had her birthday ruined. She spent it at the hospital with my dad where they told them that they didn't know if I would live or die, or have brain damage, but that they would do everything they could do.
Unfortunately, the psychiatrist came around too. Even though I was unconscious, they decided to get involved- and interrogated my parents. They asked them what they had said to me, that they must have said something. They blamed them for this. That was very mean, and not true. I had even written a suicide note saying that this wasn't anyone's fault.
What was going on? I was getting extremely depressed again, even on Parnate, the best of antidepressants (for me). So my doctor raised it from 90mg to the super high dosage of 120mg, which just made me depressed and agitated, even worse. So I decided the hell with this, it is making me worse, I'm just going to stop taking it. And I need to do a washout anyway, if I want to do another antidepressant. And my doctor was out of town and unavailable. But in 48 hours I found out that things could even be worse off of Parnate, which I didn't think was possible, and I couldn't bear another minute of this- and decided I had enough of living. And hence the overdose. Topamax and Lamictal, that is what I took.
But that has been my last hospitalization. It has been almost 10 years since I have been in the psych hospital (or any hospital). What changed?
Well, partially, it was meds. Much as I hate the Zyprexa, I have never been manic on it, even on antidepressants. And much as I complain about Effexor at times, it has also been an awesome antidepressant, especially with respect to my obsessions. Plus, there are a lot of ways to augment it, change doses, prop it up and keep it going, and that is what we have been doing over the years. The MAOI's didn't have that kind of flexibility.
But partially it has also been work. I started working as an OT 8.5 years ago, and that has been a very stabilizing force in my life- from the regular hours to social interaction to feeling needed, work has (mostly) been a good thing.
I have been living closer to family too.
I also started recognizing that I am my own best expert, and that I have more at stake in this than any psychiatrist. I started trusting them a lot less, and myself a lot more. Unfortunately, no one will give me my own prescription pad yet!
10 years since I have been in a psych hospital. Maybe I should stop complaining about my current meds, given how many hospitalizations there were in previous years.
I am not going to ruin my step mother's birthday this year. I told her I can't guarantee next year, but this year's should be fine!
Saturday, April 14, 2012
I've been here before...
Depression. I just feel like my life is going in circles. The same issues keep coming up, things aren't getting better. My life is at a stand still. And, as always, I don't know what is meds and what is not.
I'm trying to find a local psychiatrist, as mine is very far away since I have moved, but that too is difficult when depressed.
I did try increasing my Effexor. What made me think I could do that on a weekday? The agitation was unbearable. Now I don't know what to do. I want there to be something to do other than meds. I don't know what that thing is. Well, I'm sure it would have been a good thing if I had made it to yoga this morning.
I don't want more meds. I don't want the lithium that my current doctor is advocating.I had too many side effects on it when I was on it before. I don't want to increase my Wellbutrin, the other "sensible" thing to do- because the last time I tried that I crashed my car (in my parking lot, nobody hurt). Going up on the Effexor made me agitated, and I don't want to do that again.
I don't want to be more drugged, more impaired. I go on new drugs, and I am never taken off of things- I only come off of things if I do it myself. No one ever suggests it to me.
Which leaves me between a rock and a hard place. If not drugs, then what? I haven't figured out that one yet. Maybe if I could take a few weeks off to backpack...
If I had money. I don't think they will let you take a medical leave to go backpacking. It is much more socially acceptable to spend a medical leave in a psych hospital, although probably not as effective.
I'm trying to find a local psychiatrist, as mine is very far away since I have moved, but that too is difficult when depressed.
I did try increasing my Effexor. What made me think I could do that on a weekday? The agitation was unbearable. Now I don't know what to do. I want there to be something to do other than meds. I don't know what that thing is. Well, I'm sure it would have been a good thing if I had made it to yoga this morning.
I don't want more meds. I don't want the lithium that my current doctor is advocating.I had too many side effects on it when I was on it before. I don't want to increase my Wellbutrin, the other "sensible" thing to do- because the last time I tried that I crashed my car (in my parking lot, nobody hurt). Going up on the Effexor made me agitated, and I don't want to do that again.
I don't want to be more drugged, more impaired. I go on new drugs, and I am never taken off of things- I only come off of things if I do it myself. No one ever suggests it to me.
Which leaves me between a rock and a hard place. If not drugs, then what? I haven't figured out that one yet. Maybe if I could take a few weeks off to backpack...
If I had money. I don't think they will let you take a medical leave to go backpacking. It is much more socially acceptable to spend a medical leave in a psych hospital, although probably not as effective.
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