Saturday, January 8, 2011

If only it were just bipolar...

I have learning disabilities. I did 2nd grade twice. I was in special reading classes. I did badly in school for many years. In college and grad school, I finally found out enough about learning disabilities to get untimed tests, and it saved me.

I was born before everyone talked about learning disabilities. When I was a kid, you didn't really test and label people. And when I finally was, it was dyslexia, which was the learning disability that people talked about. And I did have trouble reading, reversed numbers and letters, didn't know my left from my right, etc. So it fit.

In recently years ADHD is the in diagnosis. And I am told by some that I have ADD (I'm not really hyperactive). And that fits, too. And I have had testing, of course, where they didn't give me a label, just told me what my brain does well or poorly.

The labels are just labels. So, do you want to say that I have bipolar disorder, ADD, dyslexia, etc., or do you just want to say that I have a bad brain? That is what I think.

But it all comes together to make paperwork a nightmare- and I work in healthcare. And at my new job, we are back to paper charts. And we do a lot of the tasks that had always been done by other people- like faxing out our own charts to insurance companies for authorization. And it is really a nightmare.

If I am having a bad day, I just can't do it. And even when I am having a good day- it just takes me so much more effort than it would anyone else. Even just faxing out a chart- half the time I don't get the phone number right because I have transposed the numbers right and I have to resend it.

I had some rough weeks- and I got behind. And I am trying to catch up. And I am doing it, but it is so hard, it is taking all the joy out of my job, making me wonder if I picked the right profession. But what is the right profession for someone with bipolar and ADD and dyslexia? Is there one?

I think it will be better when we go to computer charts. Which is supposed to be coming. I had an easier time with it at my other jobs. Anything is better than paper for someone with ADD, who is a disorganized disaster.

What I really need is to work fewer hours. Fewer hours- fewer patients- less paperwork. Less chance of getting 3 evals in one day.

Something I really need to think about. I think I could cut down 4 hours a week and still have full time benefits. Of course less pay. But less worry about getting fired.

I used to think I might get a second job on the weekends or evenings to make some extra money. Pay off my debts faster. Who was I kidding? I'm going in to work on the weekends to catch up, I think. That is what I need to do. I just have to accept that.

Really, I got extra time on tests in college, I have always known I need extra time with my paperwork. I guess I just hoped that someday it would get easier- but at this recent job change, the paperwork situation seems to have gotten worse. Everything else about the job I love, I really do. And for that I am grateful. You can't have it all.