If only it were just bipolar...

I have learning disabilities. I did 2nd grade twice. I was in special reading classes. I did badly in school for many years. In college and grad school, I finally found out enough about learning disabilities to get untimed tests, and it saved me.

I was born before everyone talked about learning disabilities. When I was a kid, you didn't really test and label people. And when I finally was, it was dyslexia, which was the learning disability that people talked about. And I did have trouble reading, reversed numbers and letters, didn't know my left from my right, etc. So it fit.

In recently years ADHD is the in diagnosis. And I am told by some that I have ADD (I'm not really hyperactive). And that fits, too. And I have had testing, of course, where they didn't give me a label, just told me what my brain does well or poorly.

The labels are just labels. So, do you want to say that I have bipolar disorder, ADD, dyslexia, etc., or do you just want to say that I have a bad brain? That is what I think.

But it all comes together to make paperwork a nightmare- and I work in healthcare. And at my new job, we are back to paper charts. And we do a lot of the tasks that had always been done by other people- like faxing out our own charts to insurance companies for authorization. And it is really a nightmare.

If I am having a bad day, I just can't do it. And even when I am having a good day- it just takes me so much more effort than it would anyone else. Even just faxing out a chart- half the time I don't get the phone number right because I have transposed the numbers right and I have to resend it.

I had some rough weeks- and I got behind. And I am trying to catch up. And I am doing it, but it is so hard, it is taking all the joy out of my job, making me wonder if I picked the right profession. But what is the right profession for someone with bipolar and ADD and dyslexia? Is there one?

I think it will be better when we go to computer charts. Which is supposed to be coming. I had an easier time with it at my other jobs. Anything is better than paper for someone with ADD, who is a disorganized disaster.

What I really need is to work fewer hours. Fewer hours- fewer patients- less paperwork. Less chance of getting 3 evals in one day.

Something I really need to think about. I think I could cut down 4 hours a week and still have full time benefits. Of course less pay. But less worry about getting fired.

I used to think I might get a second job on the weekends or evenings to make some extra money. Pay off my debts faster. Who was I kidding? I'm going in to work on the weekends to catch up, I think. That is what I need to do. I just have to accept that.

Really, I got extra time on tests in college, I have always known I need extra time with my paperwork. I guess I just hoped that someday it would get easier- but at this recent job change, the paperwork situation seems to have gotten worse. Everything else about the job I love, I really do. And for that I am grateful. You can't have it all.

Disabled?

I finished my taxes today using Turbotax. And with my dad's help, too. It was a little complicated this year because I moved from one state to another and changed jobs. Plus I did some home care work as an independent contractor.

Turbotax gives you a lot of prompts and asks you a lot of questions. At one point, it asked me if I am disabled. And I kind of wanted to say yes, but I kind of didn't. It is really a very good question. Am I disabled? Prehaps the better question is, "How disabled am I?" It isn't all or nothing.

When I clicked on the "learn more" link, it didn't sound like I qualify- or if I did, that it was going to help my tax situation any. But it didn't stop me from thinking.

I have been on social security disability. But for the past 6 years I've been able to work full time- although sometimes only hanging on by a thread. Really, there are times I don't know how I have kept going. It is my patients, really. When I have a patient in front of me, I can pull it together. I can do what I have to do. Now, the paperwork may start to slide when things get bad. It is not so compelling as patient care.

I actually have two disabilities. I have my mood disorder, and I have a learning disability, of some sort. I've been told I have dyslexia, ADD, and a variety of other things. But of course I don't have all of these things- I just have one brain that we try to put labels on. I just have a bad brain! I have bad brain syndrome.

What does it mean? It means I don't always know my left from my right and my handwriting is lousy. It means I am terribly disorganized, and constantly struggling with that. And mostly, it means that I am extremely slow with my paperwork. When the paperwork is not that bad, this isn't so much of a problem. But the worse the paperwork, the more of a problem, the more of a disability it is. So, long hours, but I manage.

And to the IRS, I am not disabled. I don't have any expenses that I can deduct due to my disability- although really, I think that my meds and therapy co-pays should qualify. And unfortunately, I owe a little bit to the IRS. And I owe one state, get a refund in the other. In the end, I actually come out a bit ahead.

But money is tight- and it is going to be tight for the next year and a half. Because I am going to be studying for the CHT exam- and until then I can't do a lot of home care or take a second job. But, I am going to have to do that in the future to pay off my debt and to save more for retirement. If I can just make it until then!

And I hope that this "disabled" person can study for and pass the CHT exam while at a job that is taking 10+ hours most days because of all the paperwork.