Sunday, April 24, 2016

Missing my mom today

Maybe it is the mother's day ads that I am starting to see, and the ones that pile up in my in box. Maybe it is nothing at all. I keep thinking of things that I wanted to do with my mom, things that we never got to do. And now never will. Perhaps I should try to do those things anyway. But I miss her. 

I did finally make it to Costco and got my Provigil. But I think it is too late in the day to take it. It will have to wait until tomorrow. And straighten out my lithium tomorrow too. As well as going in super early to get my paperwork done from last week. Of course. 

Another weekend that has passed and I really didn't do much. It just passed. Or I could think of it this way: another weekend I survived. Sometimes I think that on my birthday: another year I survived, in my endeavor to die of old age and not by suicide. Of course with the things I have been reading recently I might be lucky to die of old age and not a side effect of abrupt climate change. 

This reading has me very depressed, and yet I was prepared for it by my earlier peak oil obsession. But surprisingly it does not make me feel suicidal- at least not for the moment. I want to see how things turn out. Simple curiosity. But if things get bad, I do not think I am very tough. I wouldn't make it in a Mad Max world. 

Saturday, April 23, 2016

Trouble with meds

I am out of Provigil, I have been for a week. My health insurance plan won't pay for it, so I drive 45 minutes away to the nearest Costco to buy it- they have it for an affordable price. But it is a hard drive when I am depressed, and I have been depressed, and so I haven't gone. It is a catch-22 situation. And the two days I wasn't so depressed I started thinking maybe I don't need it, maybe I can get off of this drug, take less meds, and not have this monthly trip and expense, etc. And today I was so depressed and anxious I took meds so that I couldn't drive. I have to go tomorrow.

And then I can't find my lithium. I was doing my meds for the week today and I can't find my bottle of lithium anywhere. I have extras of most of my meds, but not really with lithium. I just had five pills- enough for all of tonight, and two out of three for tomorrow night. Then I'll have to go to the pharmacy and just get a refill and pay for it, because it is too soon for insurance to pay for it. I hope I have a refill left.

Too many meds. And my apartment is too much of a mess. Nothing much has changed in my life.

Which is why I am thinking of quitting therapy (again). I quit therapy and then restarted when my mother got sick. But now I am not sure why I am going- I know what I need to do, I just need to do it- and therapy isn't helping me do things. Plus it costs a lot of money.

I like my therapist but she doesn't take my insurance and I no longer have out of network benefits. I tried 3 therapists in-network but it didn't work out. I don't have it in my to try any more. And with my high deductible plan it would still cost a lot anyway.

My psychiatrist doesn't take insurance either, but I only go every three months most of the time so I am keeping him. To find someone who is okay with all my various meds and I like and who seems good- I'm not going to mess that up. I have had too many bad psychiatrists.

It has been a rough week, I can only guess at how much of it from the lack of Provigil. But by Friday I really didn't want to be alive.

Not wanting to be alive- that is a good thing if you are reading or watching Guy McPherson, the scariest man alive. He predicts "near term extinction" for human beings by 2030. There are a lot of scary arguments he makes, but I am still not sure how he comes up with his date. I am also not sure that I can really accept that ALL human beings will be dead- maybe a few will find places to make it.

The thing about his position that is attractive- is that we no longer have to fight. We no longer have to write letters to the editor or demonstrate or lobby for political change. We can just sit back and watch the collapse. But if he is wrong- then we have given up our power to fight.

I don't see a political solution. I don't see us cutting fossil fuel use significantly in time to prevent catastrophe. I see geo-engineering as the only thing that can save us, or perhaps just buy us more time. Geo-engineering is still a dirty word for most, but I think it is the only thing we might be capable of doing to save ourselves.

Sunday, April 3, 2016

Halfway an orphan

My mother died last week. It was, as much as could be, a "good death." I was holding her hand, her mother and my cousins were there as she took her last breaths, and she was at home. Of course there was a little conflict with my grandmother who said she is not dying and tried to get me away- so we had to be on opposite sides- but it was as good as could be expected. Her sister had stepped out to buy something, and I'm kind of glad she did- I think she might have panicked and wanted to call 911.

The week before was pretty awful as I battled with her family over hospice. They didn't want it, I did. I had medical power of attorney, but she lived with them. It was bad. Finally they agreed to hospice at home and we got her out of the hospital. Her vitals were so unstable I was afraid she wouldn't survive the ambulance ride home. But she did, and two more days at home. I got her pastor to come- and we are Lutherans, so no last rights. But still- she died within an hour of his visit. I'm so glad he could come.

I was with her for a week. It was a very intense, sleep deprived week. I will write more about it later. Then the next week was spent recovering, working with the funeral home, planning the funeral, and working with a probate lawyer. She had no will and hasn't paid any bills since she got sick, apparently. It will be a mess, but I made my brother executor.

This past week I asked for off as well. Work gave it to me as unpaid time, even though I didn't have enough PTO. I'm glad. I feel like I just needed it. And this weekend I went to visit my brother and family. Tomorrow I go back to work.

I'm a little anxious about it, but it is time. What would I do with myself if I didn't go back to work? I think my boss was worried about my stability, she said I could take a medical leave if I needed to. I don't. I have been grieving for my mother for a long time before her death. Even that whole last week, when I would spend the nights in the hospital- she was on the telemetry unit so I could watch her vitals- and I would cry, because I knew that they were so unstable. I didn't see how this could go on. And it couldn't.

Whatever issues I had with my mother, I always knew that she loved me. And now she is gone. And my dad is 10 years older, and really starting to slow down this past year. I need to start taking care of myself. I need to be my own mother.