Monday, June 30, 2014

Still waiting

My doctor's office didn't call today about my lab results- and normally they will call even if everything is okay. So I still don't know if my lack of eosinophil's in the lab work is something to worry about or not. I think it is either just statistical noise- and nothing at all- or really bad. Bad as in one of my meds is doing this and I would have to stop something but I don't know which one.

I had one of those days that started out good, but as the day progressed I just didn't feel good physically and mentally- I never know quite how to explain it. And I got so tired at the end of the work day I couldn't focus at all, I was just sitting at my desk shuffling papers.

Am I sick? Just out of shape and overweight? Overmedicated? But this doesn't happen every day- just a lot of days. And I'm never very good at explaining it to doctors- I have been worked up for "fatigue" twice- and all they found was an elevated sed rate and told me that I must have had a viral infection.

But exhaustion can also be a symptom of depression. So I really don't know. I just know that I had a moment at my desk today when I was so exhausted that I thought I might be dying. And then I thought that would be a good thing- because I didn't have enough energy to go on living.

I just wish my doctor had called. If she doesn't tomorrow, I will call her. The good news for today is that my joints didn't hurt.

Sunday, June 29, 2014

Just in case I want to be a little bit OCD

Getting my lab results over the weekend but no doctor to talk to leaves the internet. And I am just wondering if it matters that I have no eosinophil's on the differential. That was the one out-of-the rang result. I had assumed it didn't matter, they were just "missed," as you only need 15 to be in range. But, inquiring minds want to know. And I don't have an answer.

But I did remember that Tegretol once gave me agranulocytosis. So I am looking up my meds. So far the only med that I see listed with agranulocytosis as a side effect is Effexor, and that is very rare.

Otherwise eosinopenia is associated with sepsis, alcoholism, severe stress, Cushing's Disease, and lupus.

I wonder what my doctor will tell me on Monday.

Meanwhile I made it through the weekend OK. I watched a lot of old episodes of "Falling Skies." I didn't take any klonopin during the day. I didn't get much done either, but I survived. Better than last weekend.

And I missed my brother. And I missed my niece. I have to find a time to go see them- now that I am no longer so far gone.

I got my lab results

Gone are the days when I have to wait for my doctor to call me. I got an email from Quest Diagnostics this morning telling me that my results were ready on the Quest app. It used to be that they would delay giving you your results for a few days- time for the doctor to call you first.

Anyway, everything was normal except for one specific white blood cell count which was low- I suspect this is insignificant. I do not have hemochromatosis- in fact, looking over my results and googling what they all mean- I might have an iron deficiency. I have some results that are just on the edge of low, some are on the edge of high (and in the exact opposite pattern of hemochromatosis). But in the expected direction for iron deficiency. Except that my hematocrit is so good, so who knows. Anyway, I might try eating a little more red meat once or twice a week.

She did not test me for rheumatoid again as I thought that she would. Only for ANA. And Lyme. But really, I did not think it was rheumatoid (or at least hoped it was not). I really thought that hemochromatosis and Lupus were the most likely.

So no answers. But no bad news either. I guess I just treat this like osteoarthritis. I need to make myself a thumb splint- my left thumb is getting bad. And not at the CMC joint- it is the MP joint, which is incredibly lax. I am not ready to see a hand surgeon- even though one CHT who specializes in thumb arthritis suggested that to me after looking at my thumb.

So all of this has been much ado about nothing. Except that I can cross one thing off of my list of things to worry about- hemochromatosis- and that is a good thing. And it means that my dad, who is a carrier- can't be blamed for this!

Saturday, June 28, 2014

Nothing much to say- and that's a good thing

I have had a very mellow day- which, given where my mood has been recently, is a very good thing. I didn't do that much productive other than a load of laundry and some dishes- I have to do better tomorrow. Last night, after my acupuncture session, I fell asleep pretty easily without a second dose of klonopin- I hope that is the same tonight. I didn't take any today either during the day.

I didn't get a call from my doctor on Friday, I had hoped that I would. I guess the lab results weren't all in- she said that the Lyme test might not be. I really want to know if anything showed up. I guess I will have to wait for a little bit longer.

I can't believe that I am going away on Wednesday. So much to do. And there is my mom's family to contend with. Well, at least the trip is not too long. I am flying home on Sunday.

I am walking a 10K on July 4th which I am really not prepared for- given how my mood has been. But I will try. I am trying to figure out what to do about ankle bracing. My bad right ankle always swells up and hurts and turns in by the time I am done- and the next day I can't walk on it. I have seriously thought of using my hiking boots- because that seems to help- but I think it would be too hot. I think for the event itself I am only going to use a Jimmy Copper compression sleeve- I have used it for shorter distances and it seemed to help. And I am bringing a more substantial brace to put on after the walk in case I have trouble walking. And I will bring my kinesiotape in case I have a lot of swelling.

The main determinant, I think, of how I do will be the weather. I did is last year- in the midst of a bad depression- I thought I wouldn't even do it- decided to do it at the last minute. But the weather was cool and rainy, and so I didn't get overheated. It really wasn't so bad.

I'm sure that this year it will be high nineties, as usual. The only thing that could save me is that I plan on walking with my mom, who is a very slow walker. And I just have to walk a mile six times (plus a smidge more). A mile is easy.

Walking a 10K is so un-sexy.  But I don't have the body to be a runner- there is too much of me. Walking is one of the kinder things I can do to my joints. There is a blog I read by a woman with depression who runs marathons, and I can't get over it. It is such an amazing accomplishment.

I have wondered about walking a marathon. Some people do. But it just takes too long! Maybe a half marathon. Someday.

Friday, June 27, 2014

The best acupuncture session so far

I had been feeling better today, but still had some traces of depression and agitation. So when he asked me what needed to be worked on, I mentioned the agitation.

Usually he just puts 1 needle on the top of my head. But this time, because of the agitation, he put several. It was amazing- as I was lying there with the needles, I could feel energy flowing out of the top of my head. And I became so relaxed. I've never been able to be so relaxed and mindful while on the acupuncture table. I just tried to be present.

What is funny is that sometimes I do feel some tightness or slight tingling on the top of my head, where he put the needles. I guess it is a place where energy is blocked for me.

He also put some needles in for my carpal tunnel syndrome, which has been bad again this past week. I hope it helps- I hate to wear splints to bed in the summer.

I know it was a better day- I didn't even take any klonopin today, didn't even feel like I needed too. Perhaps because I took so much last night to sleep- which remains an issue. My main problem today was concentration.

Maybe my acupuncturist has some tricks for concentration.

Wednesday, June 25, 2014

I made it through the day

Today the Zyprexa didn't seem to be having quite as much of an effect- although it was still a better day than Monday. At times I really struggled- but I made it through the day. I am hoping that this doesn't mean that I need more in the way of meds. I don't know how long to give this. I did make a therapy appointment for tomorrow, although it is not normally a week that I go.

I don't think the fever is back- no chills. I don't feel feverish. I just have pain in my hands. No word on the lab tests yet. And I feel exhausted, although that could just be emotional.

Nothing interesting to write about- except that, over the past few days, I decided that maybe I should get lymphedema certified. My boss is, and she is totally busy- and could use the help. And it would make me a more valuable employee. And I really do like hands-on work with patients. But I think that what really made me think that is worry that maybe I have rheumatoid or something like that. Lymphedema massage is extremely gentle, and wouldn't wear out my joints as much as the manual work I do now.

OK, so one moment I want to kill myself, and the next I want to get lymphedema certified! That is the way that my mind has been working.

I have to figure out what work would pay for, because it is expensive. And maybe with my recent moodiness, now is not the best time to ask. But it is part of my 1 year plan, assuming that there is a one year.

It isn't unusual for me to come up with big plans and have suicidal thoughts at the same times. Because what I want is change from the current situation. The present is intolerable. So maybe the choice is between killing myself or quitting my job to hike the Appalachian Trail. Both would get me out of the present moment. The problem is, as my depression worsens, the big plans seem just to hard- and the only option left is the other one.

I once tried to tell myself that if I was ever going to kill myself, I would first max out my credit cards and take an amazing vacation first (I didn't have a 401K at the time). But it doesn't work that way- or at least not for me. If I could take that vacation- that would mean I was not too bad off.

Tuesday, June 24, 2014

There is theory, and then there is practice

In my head, I agree a lot with the "anti-psychiatry" movement. Not entirely, but some. In theory, I hate meds- especially antipsychotics. In practice, my pantry is a pharmacy, and I think some extra Zyprexa yesterday may have saved my life- or at least my career. I was reasonably okay today at work. I had a little bit of peace, and no tears. I did still have to take some klonopin, though. In theory, I wouldn't be taking that either.

It doesn't matter if I am medicating life- I evidently can't fix my life and I can't handle my life unmedicated. I don't want another day like yesterday. I really was starting to think that I didn't want to keep on living. So whatever bad things Zyprexa does to me- unless it is worse than death, I'll take it.

One of these days I'll feel that way again and I won't have notes to finish writing or an apartment to clean- the two times I tried I didn't have these commitments. I had nothing to stop me. Now I am too conscientious. My notes have to be done. I should clean. Let people know where all my bank accounts and financial info is. Last time I just wrote a note. Simpler times.

But if my mind is better today, my hands hurt. I had to take aspirin at work. I can't decide if I hope the blood work finds something or not. I would like an answer- but not if it is anything bad. The least bad thing that I can think of that causes joint pain in the hands is hemochromatosis, so I guess that is what I hope that they find.

Monday, June 23, 2014

And then it hits me- summer solstice

As I load up on extra Zyprexa and klonopin and I'm still not a bit sleepy even though I'd normally be knocked out by now- it hits me. We just passed the summer solstice, the longest day of the year.Which, I suppose, should mean that things will only get better. Until they get worse- as fall approaches.

Usually the spring is my bad time- I think my moods are actually getting less stable. More mixed. My hypomania's aren't even any fun anymore, and my depressions are so mixed that they have me confused. But I do tend to use more klonopin in the spring and summer, and I always forget this. I always think that I am so good when I get myself off of it in the fall and winter, and I don't need it anymore. I forget that I will likely need it when the seasons change.

I thought after getting up at 3am I'd be sleepy. I thought wrong.

I saw the doctor today

Of course today my temperature was better- still 99 degrees, higher than my normal, but it hardly qualified as a fever. My doctor got me in. I told her about my fever over the past few days and my joint pain. She took a lot of blood work. We'll see. At least it was validating to get some labs done. And she is finally testing me for iron overload as well.

But meanwhile I am feeling so crazy that I don't know what to do with myself. It is one thing to get myself to work at 5am- it is another to make myself do notes. I couldn't do it. I spent the time crying- and thinking that I am getting old. When you are young, no matter how bad things are- there is a certain hope that things could always change. I remember even being told I would grow out of various things like learning disabilities and moodiness. But I'm old enough to know that things are not going to change. And that things don't get better for any length of time. Life doesn't get easier- I don't get better at it. And that is what I mean when I say that I am old- I don't have the hope of the young. I don't have hope in the future.

I had thought that things were starting to get better before I got the fever on Thursday- and that seems to have sent me into a tailspin that I can't get out of. I want to think that if I just keep pushing, I'll come out of this. I don't want to give in and call my therapist because that costs money I haven't budgeted and I don't know what she can do anyway. I don't want to call my psychiatrist because I don't know what he can do- or what I want him to do.

Probably if I could make myself exercise it would help. But I am so exhausted I feel like I can't move.

Sunday, June 22, 2014

Still have a low-grade fever, plus a low-grade mood

My mood has only gone downhill, and I started feeling a really agitated depression this evening. I took my temperature- 99.4. Not very high, but still elevated, and maybe enough to be messing with my mood. This is really frustrating.

I am going to try to go to bed really early so I can get up early to go into work. And also because I really can't stand to be conscious for that much longer.

I am in a bad place- I am feeling sorry for myself. I hate it when I do that. The truth is, there is always someone who has it better than you, and always someone who has it worse than you. And you can choose how you want to look at things.

I feel like this fever-thing is really messing with my mind. I have not taken this much klonopin in years. But if it were serotonin syndrome, it should get worse after I take my meds. Instead, it gets worse in the evening- when I haven't taken meds all day long. Can you have a UTI or kidney infection with no pain? I don't know. Could it be Lupus? I don't know.

I don't care what it is. I want it to go away. I want to get on with my life. Such as my life is.

Tomorrow I am going to be very present and mindful with my paperwork and patients. That is the only way work is going to happen. If I have even the trace of a fever, I will call my doctor- but I suspect that in the morning I won't- it gets worse later in the day. I will try to make it work. I will try not to feel sorry for myself.  What is, it is. We could have had all of our major cities wiped out by aliens as in "Falling Skies," which I have just discovered (I just watched three episodes on iTunes).

And I think that future generations- and I am likely to live long enough to see it- will be struggling with global warming and resource depletion and Peak oil in ways that will transform human existence in ways that most of us can't even imagine. So that does give me perspective. I am living in a blessed time: the age of oil, before the greenhouse effect got too out of control.

I don't know what is going to come after this time. And it won't come all it once: it will depend who you are, where you live. If you are an Australian Aboriginal living the indigenous way, you might not notice it at all.

I think my fever is gone

I haven't taken my temperature- but I don't have chills, don't feel feverish, and didn't take any tylenol today. Of course- my fever would go away before I can make it to the doctor. But I am also very glad that it is gone.

I'm doing laundry and dishes- finally doing something productive. And trying to decide if I am going in to work tonight or tomorrow at 5am to do notes. Of course tomorrow is looking better and better. I really have to walk today. I have been just lying around. The weather looks nice kind of nice, except it also looks like it might rain. I should find out.

I am trying just to chill out today- because I am also finding myself thinking about my life these days- but not coming to any conclusions, so I am just spinning my wheels. I wonder if I am living it all wrong- but I don't have the energy to drive to live it any other way.

Or the money. There is a part of me that wants to quit my job and hike the Appalachian Trail. Do something different, exciting. Anything but what I am doing now, because what I am doing now is not working.

What I am really wondering now is if living alone is not working. If I should do a house share- live with someone else. Then I think I wouldn't live so much like a depressed person. I'd get out more, not let things get so dirty and filthy, etc. Yeah- it sounds like a wonderful idea until my next depression- and then what will I do? When I really need to be alone? Plus- most of the people looking for a housemate are a lot younger than me.

Saturday, June 21, 2014


Tylenol brought my fever down and klonopin helped with my anxiety- but I am now so exhausted I feel like I can't even move. Not sleepy-tired, like from klonopin- but deep down body tired that I don't have the will to fight. I can't even get myself to do laundry- let alone errands and walking. And now I can't find my Provigil. I took my morning dose- just can't find the bottle for my afternoon dose.

I called my mom. It was a "I want my mother moment." Except that I always regret it when I do that- she never really gets it. She thinks that I have been exercising too hard, or maybe the weather has been too warm. No. That shouldn't cause lasting fever. Something is wrong. And then of course she had to tell me about how she was training for the 10K we are walking in a week and a half- not what I wanted to hear right now when I can't even get myself out the door.

Part of me wants it to be Monday- so that I can call my doctor. And another part of me doesn't want Monday to come, because I have so many things to do before then. I hope I feel better tomorrow than today because I don't think that much is getting done today.

Yesterday I had acupuncture after work. It's funny- I never really felt the needles very much- and they certainly never hurt- except for my right ear. But yesterday I really felt the needles going in, and some of them hurt. That is just another indication that my body is not right.

Friday, June 20, 2014

Listening to beautiful music

I just downloaded John Legend's "All of Me," after hearing it at work and talking about it with some patients- it was someone's child's wedding song. It is the most beautiful love song. I am listening to it now for the third time.

With the tylenol in me, I am feeling good. Fever is down. I can think about the future. I miss connectedness, especially with men. I need to start dating again.

There are times my body and mind feel good- and everything seems possible. And the next moment my body or my mind has let me down. It is too confusing.

Having a boyfriend certainly didn't solve all of my problems. And I discovered that I can be too depressed even for sex. But it did add to my life. There is a lot missing in my life right now. Music helps to fill the gaps in my heart, if not my life.

Mood swings, and fever again

I woke up feeling pretty good- physically and emotionally. But by 9am my mood had crashed into the deepest depression and I thought there was only one way out. But then I took klonopin- and I felt better again. But I needed to take it again in the afternoon, I am very anxious. And my fever is back. This time I made it home before I took aspirin and I am not making it up, 100.3 (and I think my thermometer is low). I also get low fevers.

But no other symptoms- other than mood swings- and I can't decide if that is a symptom or just my brain's reaction to fever. I don't think that this is serotonin syndrome- the timing is all wrong. And I'm really not taking the Chinese herbs anymore, and none of my meds or supplements has changed. Plus, from what I understand the fever from serotonin syndrome doesn't respond to aspirin or tylenol, and mine seems to.

I've been here before. Fever with no other symptoms. And the doctors could never find anything. One doctor thought I had neuroleptic malignant syndrome because I had recently had a med change.The next doctor said no. And blood work was always fine.

But still, I should call my doctor on Monday. I just am already into negative hours for PTO with my vacation- I hate to take off to go to an office visit. And I might have to go that day and miss patients. Or maybe it will be all better by Monday.

I feel lousy. Time too hit the tylenol. I have so much to do this weekend. I hope I don't feel sick all weekend.

Thursday, June 19, 2014

This was not psychiatric

I was having a mixed day today, but holding my own- until late afternoon when my mood got increasingly bad and I became extremely exhausted and unable to think. Then I started having very bad chills. Fortunately by that time my last patient had left, and I was just trying to do notes. I couldn't focus at all. Finally it occurred to me to go to my purse and get some aspirin and take it- and within a hour I the chills were improved and I could start to think again and I even did some notes. And no, they didn't have to carry me out to my car.

Unfortunately I did not get a chance to take my temperature before I took the aspirin- and when I got home it wasn't too bad. But I have no other symptoms than the feeling feverish, exhaustion, and loss of concentration/mood instability. Except the joint pain in my hands is bad today. I think this is all related. This is not the first time this has happened. And, like this time, it seems like it has often happened after I got a lot of sun, like I did yesterday- which makes me think lupus. But maybe I am just a hypochondriac.

I have been worked up for fatigue and unexplained fevers before and they never found anything except occasionally increased sed rate. I once had an unexplained rash on my face that looks like the butterfly rash- but it was only on one side of my face. Does that count? My doctor didn't know what it was at the time. And sometimes it hurts when I breath deep- but chest x-ray was negative. That can be a lupus symptom too. Also the chest pain I get that is relieved by repositioning my breast (so I think that it is not a heart attack). That can be pericarditis.

And if it is Lupus, so what? I obviously don't have a bad case. I just want answers. I want to be taken seriously. And I think I feel that if I had a medical illness- that would somehow be legitimate. Like having bipolar isn't a real enough reason to explain the difficulties I have in life- whether to myself or others. At least to others.

But if I wind up having both Lupus photosensitivity and Seasonal Affective Disorder, that will be the biggest irony.

I have to go back to my doctor- the one who I like but who also seems to think that it is her job to make me think that all my symptoms are nothing because they come and go and I am reading too much into things. Ot maybe I should just get a referral to a rheumatologist. The problem is that my upcoming vacation will put me into negative PTO, I really cannot take time off. But maybe I can rearrange my schedule.

Wednesday, June 18, 2014

I'm doing better

I think what really helps is going outside during lunch and eating my lunch in my car- listening to music, reading, etc. I was even reading hand therapy stuff yesterday- I have to remind myself sometimes why I am doing all of this paperwork. I really do think that what I do is really cool.

Of course this means not doing notes during lunch- so I stayed an hour late today doing notes. I am still behind, but it is getting better. If I could just stay an hour late every day, I might be okay. Maybe. I know I will need to go in this weekend.

Yesterday I didn't even need klonopin in the afternoon. Today I started to feel just a little bit anxious- I took the Chinese herbs that I have been given, and that was enough. He told me to take it three times a day, but I only take it once in the afternoon, and only if I think I need it and that it will be enough to not need the klonopin. If I am really anxious, it is not enough. I wonder if it is more than placebo. The herbs he gave me for sleep, however, I think are more than placebo- they are strong. I take all of my meds, I go to bed, I can't sleep. I get up- take them- and then I fall asleep fairly quickly. And that has been 3 nights.

Tomorrow is one of my late days- which is when I usually struggle. I will go for a walk in the morning, before it gets hot, then go in early to do notes. After work there is a depression and bipolar support group that is about a half hour drive away. I have not been very successful in getting myself there. If I don't leave exactly on time I will be late. I hate being late. Plus I am usually tired.

I want to go to bed- but I am trying to stay up a little longer so that I am more likely to fall asleep and to sleep through the night. Going to bed too early messes up my sleep.

Monday, June 16, 2014

Back at work- it was hard

I went back to work and realized that some things are better- but there is still a lot of depression there, and it was being away from work with no demands on me that made things seem even better than they were. Still, the irritability is gone- and that was getting so bad my last week of work. That is a relief. My concentration is better. I just still feel sad and hopeless and resigned- it is hard to explain.

I feel like- okay, I can function, and I really have to try to stay on top of things- but there is no joy in it. But it is my paycheck. So I am stuck. And I can't think of anything else that I want to do that pays the bills. I am just trying to get it all right and get things done. It doesn't matter how I feel.

And then I went home and got ice cream on the way home and ate the whole thing. This is not the way to live my life.

I know that what I am is burned out by the paperwork side of my job. It has gotten so much worse over the past year. I don't know if there is a way to take a more light hearted approach to it- to see it as a game, etc. I don't know. I have to try.

Money. If I had enough, would I really quit my job? Most days I would say no. But I would work part time.

Sunday, June 15, 2014

The trouble with Hallmark cards

It's not that I don't love my dad- I just didn't have a Hallmark childhood. Did anyone? These Father's Day cards are so over the top, I can't believe that there are very many people who can really give them. I have to look through the Father's and Mother's day cards each year to find something simple, saying I love you, thank-you, happy father's/mother's day.

After some searching at CVS, I finally found a suitable card that didn't reference an idealized childhood and a superhero father. There weren't many of these. Except for the funny cards- but these don't seem to work for my dad. He doesn't like golf or watch sports or do any of the things that the funny cards reference. No cards for beekeeper fathers.

I also stopped at a farm stand to pick up strawberries and a blueberry pie. What I forgot to bring was my klonopin. Damn- shouldn't go anywhere without it, but I was taking things out of my purse yesterday and it must have fallen out. That meant that when my afternoon anxiety hit today I was on my own. I almost gave in and went home- but white knuckled it and stayed through dinner.

If I knew that just not taking it in the afternoons- and suffering through it- would mean that it would eventually go away and I wouldn't need that klonopin- and in a reasonable amount of time- then I would do it. But I don't know that. Maybe I am just suffering for nothing. And I'm not so young anymore- how long do I want to wait?

No- I think I will have to explain to my psychiatrist at my next visit that my klonopin use has gone from half a milligram a day to three quarters of a milligram a day, and hope that he will write me the script. I don't know him well enough to know if he is going to have a problem with this or not. He shouldn't. 15 years ago a doctor put me on 10mg a day during a manic episode, and I was on pretty high doses for a while after that. Maybe I need to tell him that story.

Otherwise, on the medication front, I had very good news today. I went to fill my Provigil at Costco. For the past few months it has been $450, and the price hasn't dropped. Today it was $276! I was sure at first that it was a mistake- maybe my doctor had written for once a day or 100mg pills or something- but no, it was correct. I am very happy.

I had some texts from my boss- who knows I did not make it to my vacation and why. She wants to know what I will tell the patients, who have been asking how my vacation is going. The story- her idea- is that I didn't go because my back got bad again. I guess I will go with it. I had been thinking maybe the "family emergency" story. I don't know. I hate having to say anything- but I do have to say something. I chat a lot with my patients. I don't know what the other staff knows.

I wish that I could see my therapist before I went back to work- but she was away last week. I'll see her Tuesday. I think I may not be stopping therapy. First- because of how I have been. And secondly, because it is more financially doable as the price of Provigil falls. I wonder how long until it goes lower- probably another 6 months.

Saturday, June 14, 2014

I finally did the thing that I really had to do

For some reason I couldn't get myself to the DMV to get my car inspected over the past 2 months- and I have been driving around terrified that I would get pulled over by the police for some reason or other and they would see that my sticker is out of date. I finally did that today. Unfortunately, I haven't done a lot else. And I am starting to get down about all of the things that I haven't done over my week off. But maybe I just needed to do nothing.

Tomorrow I am going to my dad's for father's day, and hopefully to swim as well. The weather should finally be good, and the rain gone. I have to buy a card. And maybe a cake or something.

I have watched a little TV and gone on the internet. I am doing some reading. I got a pizza instead of going grocery shopping. I am laying low.

This week I have been eating badly- and mostly by that I mean too much and not enough vegetables. I still have apples and grapes. I finished all my chicken breasts yesterday that I was eating with my lentils and beans. I finished my humus yesterday too. I am scared to get on the scale. Monday morning I will. Monday morning I will get back on track.

Monday morning I go back to work- yikes!

It will be okay. I feel so much better than I did a week ago.

Friday, June 13, 2014

Acupuncture and cutting?

I found myself wondering today as I lay on the table at the acupuncturist if there are any parallels between acupuncture and cutting. Both break the skin- probably both affect Chi- or whatever it is that acupuncture is supposed to do. And the acupuncture needles that he placed in my ear last time- the tiny ones that stayed in for 3 days- were distinctly painful at times- and yet I felt like those were the most helpful.

Today he put a different pattern of needles in the other ear at the end of the session. These are not at all painful. But I don't feel the relief that I did with the other ear. This time, he said that they are supposed to be relaxing and calming. Before- it was more activating while at the same time being calming. This time I can't tell if it is doing anything.

During the treatment itself I think that he used more needles this time. He gave me more herbs- stronger herbs- for sleep, because I told him I was still taking ambien. I haven't decided if I am going to take them or not- but they weren't that expensive and I don't mind having them around in case I ever want to try to get off of ambien again.

My main problem is that I don't know the interactions. I take a lot of supplements- but I always look to see if there are any known interactions with my meds- but these are written in Chinese.  And I tend to stay away from herbs, for the most part (although not entirely).

My biggest interaction now is that I take a supplement that contains green tea extract- which I forgot, either raises or lowers lithium levels. But I take the same amount every day, so I figure that is OK. I'm guessing that the worst these herbs would do is mess with my lithium levels. I'm hoping they wouldn't give me serotonin syndrome! Been there, done that, and it wasn't fun. But I got that from mixing meds (and desperation and stupidity). But I'd recognize it if I got it again.

My good thing for today: I found a $25 iTunes gift card from Christmas that I had not redeemed. So I had some fun downloading 3 songs and a classical album: Prokofiev's "Romeo and Juliet" which I think is the most beautiful and romantic music ever written. I am actually running out of space on my iphone with all of the music that I have on it. I don't have an ipod- so I put all my music on my phone. I still have a lot of CD's, too.

It's a false dichotomy. Or at least an unhelpful one.

There are times I know that I am deeply depressed. And times that I really think that the depression is pretty gone. But mostly I live in varying shades of gray- I was even diagnosed with double depression at one time, major depression superimposed on top of dysthymia.

But as I start to come out of a depression, thinking about whether I am depressed or not, well or not- it often isn't useful. Because when people tell me- or even if I tell myself- look how much better I am doing- this feels deeply invalidating. Because I think it has to be all or nothing. If I am back at work, and not constantly fighting back the tears- that must mean I am all better (it certainly seems to mean that to my family). And yet it is not.

I got out to a social engagement last night. I had a good time. I am better. But I'm not better, too. It isn't like there is a quantum leap between mental health and mental illness- it is all a continuum of suffering and ability to function. And when I move up faster on my ability to function scale than my suffering diminishes, it is scary. I think that I will live the rest of my life feeling like this, and it doesn't even matter if I "get my life together," because that is getting better and I am still in pain.

So I think that is why I hate it so much when people tell me I am doing better as I start to climb out of a depression. My mood is usually the last thing to come. And so they are telling me I am better and I still feel miserable- and I am afraid that if this is what "better" is, then it really isn't very good. I can't stand the thought that this could be all that there is.

But if it is a continuum, there is always room for improvement. I am not trapped where I am. And the fact that I had a good evening out does not deny how paralyzed and stuck and sad I felt the rest of the day. It is all a part of my experience.

Thursday, June 12, 2014

Today must be a better day- I bought shoes!

I am going to a fancy event in a couple of weeks- and I have decided that I don't need a new dress, I can make do with what I have, a skirt and top- but I really don't want to wear my black, closed toe shoes with the outfit (and they are really the only half-way fancy shoes that I have other than a nice pair of boots). So I went on online shoes and bought a pair of brown gladiator-type sandals that are flat, which I like- but have just enough bling to make them a little bit fancy. And they were $25 off. Not cheap sandals. But shoes are the one thing I do not skimp on (or bras- as I am "well-endowed"). If my shoes are not comfortable I am not happy.

I have had big and wide feet ever since I was a kid. When I was a kid, it was a lot harder to find wide widths than it is now. I wore a lot of boys' shoes. I remember wearing boys' clogs as dress shoes because I couldn't find any girl shoes that were wide enough to fit me. And then in my teenage years I would force my feet into shoes that were too small but were fashionable and I wanted them to fit. By the end of my early 20's, however, I had decided never again.

I remember retelling "Cinderella" with a slightly different ending. Her feet were so large, that no one else could fill the shoe. And really, I've never had any issues with my feet- never wanted them to be smaller or look different, etc. I like my feet.  I just want to be able to find shoes that fit!

So sometimes I have shoe envy. I will get a shoe catalogue in the mail- and I will see all of these shoes- and then see that none of them come in size 11 double wide- and just for a minute I am sad that I can't get that shoe. It doesn't happen often. I'm not that obsessed with shoes. I am really happiest in flip flops or sneakers anyway. At least half of the shoes I own are men's shoes. But sometimes I want shoes that look like they are made for a girl- so I got my new gladiator sandals. Even though gladiator sandals were originally worn by gladiators, who were guys...

Wednesday, June 11, 2014

I'm a little lower today

I don't have any commitments or appointments today- and I think that is why my mood is lower. Or the acupuncture is wearing off. And it is raining today, so no sunshine.

Last night I watched the movie "Her." Spoiler Alert. So the first movie I can ever remember going to see was 2001: A Space Odyssey. (I'm sure my parents took me to more age appropriate movies too, I just can't remember them). So after seeing HAL turn murderous, my view of computer AI's has always been a little warped.

And that is what I kept expecting to happen in this movie- I kept expecting the AI's to announce that they were taking over the world, to see the electrical grid go down, all the computer systems crash, etc. And it didn't happen- they just slipped away to become ghosts in the system. Perhaps if there were a sequel, the AI's would have some demands.

Today I am doing laundry and a little (very little) cleaning- just hoping I can do it a little at a time to make it manageable. I want to watch another movie. Unfortunately some of the movies I want to watch are not available through Comcast on-demand. I want to walk- but not in the rain. If I push myself maybe I can make it to yoga.

Tomorrow I have a couple of commitments out of the house. And I am going to a group in my area that looks really good.

No tears yesterday, no tears today (so far). That is a good thing.

I can say these positive things- and yet I know that the depression is still with me. It has not left, the volume is just turned down a little I guess.

Tuesday, June 10, 2014

My acupuncture experience

I had decided last year that the next time I got depressed I wanted to try acupuncture- and I even found an acupuncturist that I wanted to go to. Of course I hoped that I would never have another depression so that I would never get to try it, but I knew that this was unlikely.

So I had that plan in the back of my mind when this depression hit. I called yesterday, and they could get me in today. It is to be twice this week, and then down to once a week for 3 weeks, and then reassess.

The needles are really pretty painless. It was really neat how my tender spots became pain free after the needles were placed. There were a lot of needles. Then I just had to lie there for an hour under a heat lamp with a sound synthesizer playing crashing waves and smooth jazz coming in from the waiting room. I played around with mindfulness for a while and relaxed, attending to different sensations and watching my thoughts. But towards the end, my body just wanted to move. I was restless. He had told me not to move because of the needles. I wanted to scratch my nose. Stretch my legs. Etc. He came in just in time.

I think I did feel better after that. But I think that what he did next might have helped even more. He put these acupressure beads in my ear in 3 places. They just stay there until the day of my next session- I can take them out that morning in the shower, he said. Three times a day I have to massage each bead for 30 seconds.

The beads are very activating- as in they even became pretty painful after an hour. I didn't know what to do- call? But the pain has subsided, and in its place, I feel "activated." And activation is kind of the opposition of the kinds of depression that I have.

For a little bit I felt maybe too activated- but I didn't know if that wasn't also that this was the first day that I didn't any extra Zyprexa during the day. I did break down and take some of his Chinese herbs. I took 8 pills for relaxation when I started feeling like I wanted a prn med, and it did the trick. But I only took eight- which is what the box states is a dose, and not 13 pills, which he told me to do. And I did not take it 3 times a day, just once. But it has a very small and subtle but significant effect, and I did not take any klonopin or extra Zyprexa today.

I thought he would put needles in my head, which just shows you how little I know about chinese medicine.

He also gave me herbs to help me sleep-  maybe I'll try it another night when I think I am ready to try to decrease my ambien or klonopin at night. But I'm not yet there. I can't make too many changes at once.

He said that I should feel better after each treatment, but then there is a tendency to feel bad again after the time- but with more sessions it shouldn't drop so much between sessions.

I wonder how I will feel tomorrow. Friday I go back for another session. But after this week, it is down to once a week, fortunately. It is $80 a visit (today's was more for this initial evaluation and herbs). That is less that I pay my psychiatrist or my therapist.

I think that if I were still a kid, I would be afraid to go to school

There has apparently been some kind of shooting at another school- although no details yet. Images of kids being marched out of their building with their hands up on TV in front of SWAT officers. When did school become a battle zone?

When my dad was a kid, there was a gun rack at the back of his school. Many students would hunt on their way home, so they would bring their guns to school. And no one shot each other.

I know, the chance of getting killed by one of these random shootings is still very low. But thanks to the media- we have a contagion effect. It is out there as a meme. People in distress latch on to it. It is something to do now. Guns aren't just for hunting.

I can't say that I have never had a violent thought. Sometimes when I am extremely depressed, I get furious at the non-depressed world that just goes on around me- and that expects me to function too. But I would never do it. Never. I don't know what differentiates those who would- who are a very small group- and those who wouldn't. Some of it is probably gender- it is usually guys who do these things. But most guys don't.

Meanwhile, I will have my first acupuncture treatment today. I went in to work this morning to do a couple of notes- but mostly took home some things that aren't needed until tomorrow. The other therapists do this, so I did. I napped. I am doing laundry and trying to clean the kitchen a little.

Unfortunately it looks like rain all week. I want to go to my dad's and swim. I felt good the day that I did that- swam and sat in the sun and read. I will try to get in a walk today instead, even just a short walk between rain showers.

Monday, June 9, 2014

Is it the lithium?

They say that lithium is anti-suicidal. And while I have had some moments when I had really bad thoughts the last few days, I've been struck by how depressed I had be to get there. My suicidal thoughts are definitely not as strong as they usually are when I am this depressed. I've noticed this the past couple of weeks as my mood has gone downhill. Perhaps the worst of it has been hoping for a terminal illness or to be in a car crash- but really no plans to do anything.

I don't know if this is good or bad. I mean- it is good if it is good for me. I don't want it all to be coming from a pill, if all it does is keep me alive so that I can be depressed. That is just a little too specific of an effect and it freaks me out a little. But maybe it is not just a pill. Maybe my life is better, maybe something has changed. Maybe I have more hope.

I just have to contain this episode- and not let it get out of hand. I have to get my paperwork done. I have to try the acupuncture. I have to get to this new meetup group that starts this week. I have to find a new therapist. I have to go to church. I have to go to my dad's and swim. I have to get my meds settled- and stop taking that little extra Zyprexa, because it has me too spacy to function at my best. I need to exercise, to walk. I need to be around people.

I have to have it together in a week when I get back to work.

I have to try to see this depression as a gift, as an incentive to change my life- because what I am doing now is not working. Believe me, it is not very easy to see depression as a gift. And I'm usually too far gone to receive any lessons that it might have. I think (hope) this time is different. Which is why I am not calling my psychiatrist. What can he do for me except give me drugs?

I'm home, and it's okay I think

I got up super early and went into work and got a lot of notes done- it was so much better than yesterday. I still didn't get them all done, I do have my limits. And I didn't leave before my boss came in- really early- so she knows I am not going on vacation. I am going to go in tomorrow to finish up.

I can't imagine being on my vacation, really. I just want to chill out. I did call my therapist- only to have her tell me that she is away this week. I haven't called my psychiatrist, but I might- haven't decided. Because I don't know what I want. I am still taking a little Zyprexa just to make it through the day- but I don't see this as a long term thing. I really don't want to raise meds. So why else call him?

What I did do is call an acupuncturist. I have wanted to try that for my depression. I have an appointment for tomorrow. He is also an herbalist, but I do not want to take herbs with my meds. Unfortunately, my insurance doesn't cover this and it is pretty pricy. But if it helps, I suppose it will be worth it. As long as it is not indefinite. I wonder if I can use my health savings account for this- I have to look into that. Although really, what is in there is already spoken for once my deductible turns over again in July.

An out of network psychiatrist, an out of network therapist, non-approved Provigil, and now an acupuncturist- no wonder I can make this much money and be broke. 

I am thinking of changing therapists. I feel like therapy has been less useful recently- and I think a major reason is that I am going less frequently- which is what I feel I can afford. Once a week would be $500 a month- and now that I am spending $450 a month on Provigil, I just decided that I couldn't.

I want to find an in-network therapist. I just don't feel up to making phone calls right now. Maybe tomorrow. 

I am really seeing so many factors that lead up to this- I think it started in March when I got sick and then hurt my back and got really behind on paperwork and never recovered, and stopped going to yoga. And then other things, including med changes, have piled on. But insight only gets you so far- I still have to deal with it. I even wonder if my thyroid has been an issue- as I was hypothyroid at my last lab test, and recently started synthroid. 

Sunday, June 8, 2014

I am not going- failure

I am not going on my vacation. I was all packed. I almost made it- but I had to finish up paperwork this weekend for work before I could go. Yesterday I didn't go in because I was feeling so terrible and took meds. Today I made it in- but the longer I stayed, the worse I felt- and eventually I got to the point where I was alternating with sobbing and thinking really awful thoughts. It was time to go home. I didn't finish my notes. I can't go. But I was in no state of mind to anyway- on the drive home, all I could think about was wanting to crash my car.

I will go in super early tomorrow to finish, before anyone comes in. I just couldn't handle seeing anyone from work. I don't want anyone to know I am not going on vacation.

I should probably call my therapist and see if I can get in this week. That just seems like failure, too. I could call my psychiatrist- but I don't think this is meds somehow, I just don't. I think it is life. And my life sucks.

But then it is a big circle. My life sucks because I am depressed. And I am depressed because my life sucks. How to break out of that? I haven't figured that one out.

Saturday, June 7, 2014

Death on the installment plan

I felt so awful today I just took drugs to numb me out and- for much of the day- knock me out.

Where did my DBT distress tolerance skills go? I was too distressed to even think about them. I could only think that I didn't want to live if I had to feel what I was feeling- and I couldn't die yet because my apartment is a mess and I'm not caught up on paperwork! So drugs. And if they can't get you through a bad day like today, then what are they there for?

I thought the weekend would be easier. It wasn't. Still lots of tears, which have finally stopped after taking a second bit of Zyprexa- and then sleeping for a long nap. I have woken up feeling much, much better. I'm not even sleepy anymore, just still have this drugged feeling. And I have to pack. I just put a load of laundry in- I think I can get by with 1 load for my trip.

I am determined that I am going on my trip. I can always leave if I have to. But I have to try. I have to go. Some years I have stayed home- and it is tempting. But it really could be good for me- "Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction" - is the workshop that I am going to. Plus there are optional yoga and tai chi and movement classes and lots of grounds to walk. And I don't have to cook- the food is provided, all vegetarian and healthy. Too bad I can't stay there longer.

I did it again- scheduled a vacation for the middle of a horrible depression

Tomorrow I am supposed to leave for vacation. Today I cannot stop crying. I broke down and took klonopin, which did not help that much- only made me sleepy. Then I broke down and took a little bit of Zyprexa, which did seem to help. And I realized that I am taking TEVA zyprexa again. It seems that whenever I switch back to the TEVA brand I seem to have problems and seem to need more Zyprexa. It seems like they keep switching my brand of Zyprexa- more so than anything else. The problem with generics is that they can all vary a little, so that the variation between any two can be significant. I wonder if there is a way to request certain generics- or at least not to receive certain brands of generics for a medication.

The klonopin was a mistake- I am too tired to do anything, but still not able to sleep. It didn't even knock me out. I need to pack. I need to do laundry. I was just desperate. Desperate enough to take a little Zyprexa, which is the only thing that has made me feel a little bit better. I just want to sleep- so that maybe then I can get some things done. I was going to get a haircut before I went. Not going to happen. And a pedicure. No, I'll just polish my own toes.

Tomorrow it the busy day- I have a massage in the morning that I forgot about- and too late to cancel. Maybe a good thing- I am having neck pain. Then I have to go into work to do paperwork. Then to Costco to pick up my Provigil. Then drive to the Omega Institute- where I have to set up my tent and unpack before dinner. In the evening my workshop starts. I hope I am up for it.

I didn't go to pottery class today. There was no way I could get control of my emotions in time. Too many tears. I hadn't tried the Zyprexa yet. But I also realized the pottery is probably not my thing- it really isn't giving me joy. It is more of a stress. When this class is done, I will start playing my piano again. And if I want to take lessons in anything, it will be piano. That is my joy.

Today I'm not even hoping for joy- just to function and get done what I need to do to get packed and all. And hoping to make it through this week. I will bring a little extra Zyprexa in case I need it. I hope I don't. I hope I get something out of this vacation- I hope it isn't something else that I find myself going through the motions because I that is all I can do. And yet, even that would be a step about the vacations that I booked or planned and never went on because I was too depressed at the time.

Can a mindfulness workshop fix me? I am hoping yes. I don't want more meds. I don't want different meds- because I think that would mean feeling worse before I felt better, and I don't think I could handle that. And I don't know what else psychiatry has to offer.

Friday, June 6, 2014

A new theory

It's the melatonin. And I'm an idiot for not listening to myself, and listening to my step-mother.

I have taken small amounts of melatonin in the past. I had hoped it would help with sleep. I liked the fact that it seemed protective against breast cancer- and I haven't had kids, so I an at higher risk. And more recent research suggests that it may help protect against tardive dyskinesia.

The problem is, every time I took it, my mood didn't seem as good. I felt more depressed. Every time I told a psychiatrist, they told me that melatonin didn't cause depression, that in fact it was good for depression. But I still stopped it each time I tried it. Plus, it didn't make me sleep.

So now my step mother found an article that found that 5 mg of melatonin reduces antipsychotic weight gain. And she is really pushing it. I tell her about my fears of depression, but she says that she never heard that, and that I should try it.

Then two weeks ago I reconcile myself about going back up on the Zyprexa. I know I am going to gain back the weight I just lost. I am still not sleeping without klonopin, which I don't want to take. So I decide, why not? And I add 3 mg of melatonin (way higher than anything I have ever taken in the past), to my mix. And now the depression- a really anxious, irritable, depression- is back. I decide it is just a bounce out of the hypomania that I was in. But maybe not- maybe it was the melatonin.

Unfortunately I just took my meds- and I just took my melatonin. But that is the last I will take of it. Afterall, I still needed the klonopin to sleep. It didn't get me off of that.

With an n of 1, there are always too many variables to really figure out what is going on. Just best guesses. And my guess is that the melatonin is not a good thing.

It only gets worse

Today was really bad. I was so close to saying some really inappropriate things at work- to co-workers, not to patients. And I may have a little to one person, but someone who was really being difficult. So it wasn't from left field, like my other statements would have been.

I have never needed a vacation more- only I think I have said that before. I can't help wondering if I am up to my vacation. I have to drive three hours (if the traffic is good), and set up my tent, and go to a 6 day workshop- with people. And a lot of structure during the day. And 90 minutes of meditation every morning. Either it will make me better or it will make me crazy. Not that I feel like I have too far to go to get there.

Work is definitely a stressor at this point. I know that in an ideal universe I would work fewer hours. Instead of 42.5 (including lunch) plus 2 to 5 hours a week extra for paperwork. It really should be 5 hours, then I wouldn't be so behind. But I'm not always that good.

I've thought of leaving- but I think I am here for another year and a half at least. Then my pension is vested- what little of it there is before they froze it. It will come out to 200$ a month, I think. Not a lot of money, but not something I'd like to leave behind. Plus, most of the time I do like my job.

But today I cried on the way home, after keeping my tears inside all day long. I've stopped crying, but inside it is still screaming. I took a quarter of a milligram of klonopin at lunch, I am not going to let myself take any more if I can help it. That can't be the answer- just to drug myself to sleep or oblivion. I have done that enough times in the past- death on the installment plan I used to call it.

Wednesday, June 4, 2014

I really need assisted living

I have had such crippling depressing this week- even worse than last. And then today at work I was really feeling like I needed coffee- and it was only 10am- and I decided to take my 2nd Provigil early- and my depression suddenly improved dramatically. And I realized what I had done. I had forgotten to put my Provigil into my morning med container for the week.

I keep all of my pill bottles in one place- so I normally don't forget anything. But the Provigil I take twice a day- so I keep the bottle in my purse. I have to remember to take the bottle from my purse and put the pills into the pill box each week when I do my meds- which I normally do. This week I forgot. There is a fix, of course- get an empty bottle and put some of the provigil in it from the bottle in my purse. Or even just have an empty provigil bottle with my other meds to remind me. I'm an OT- I can figure it out. I just have to know there is a problem.

It is funny- the past 3 days I have felt so overwhelmed at work, so tired, so burned out. I decided the problem was my job. My fantasies ran from changing jobs to running away to hike the Appalachian Trail to killing myself. I was also extremely anxious, and took more klonopin than I have in a while- which tells me that the Provigil is not the source of my anxiety.

I don't know that all will be well now that I have figured it out- in fact I am pretty sure that it won't be, as last week was a little rough. But hopefully it won't be this rough. I just felt so defeated this week. I would drive to work thinking I had nothing to live for. I went to my therapist last night and cried the whole time. I haven't done that in a while.

But the interesting question is: is this depression a withdrawal effect, or does it mean that Provigil is doing something good for my mood? Of course the question is moot, because I don't see myself going off of it any time soon. At least until Nuvigil goes generic. I would love not to have to take meds in the middle of the day.

Monday, June 2, 2014

Just normal insanity today

Today was total stress- and I felt totally stressed. I had to leave work early to go to the dentist, and even though I went in an hour and a half early, I didn't get done what I needed to get done. Treat patients. Do paperwork. Sent out for some specialized equipment for a couple of patients. Answer e-mails. Dash out the door. And then a text from work- certain papers can't be found, are they on my desk? I think about going back in to look- but that is the real insanity. I am staying home.

At least the dentist went okay. No cavities or anything found. Just a cleaning.

Tomorrow I don't start until 10am- which will give me time to go in early to do notes. The plan is to walk before work, even if just a little bit. I'll see how that goes.

Tomorrow I see my therapist. I haven't seen her in 3 weeks. I think this is my last month- my deductible turns over in July. And I haven't quite figured out what I want from therapy. Or how to get it. What I want is to have better habits, to be more organized, and to get involved in more things outside of work. But it seems that when we work on this it isn't helpful- and I just wind up feeling bad about things that I said that I want to do, but didn't do, when I go back to therapy at the next session.

I want to have a clean apartment and a social life and exercise regularly and to be caught up on all my paperwork at work. Is that too much to ask?

Well, that is what I wanted help with, but it really didn't help. I really only had one therapist who helped me with that kind of stuff. She was pretty amazing- and I was much more dysfunctional at the time- but she helped me get organized enough to apply to OT grad school.

I would be open to trying another therapist if they were in-network, but I don't know how to find good therapists- and whenever I blindly try in-network therapists, I wind up with someone pretty bad. I just don't want to go through that again. I live not only in a state where many doctors and therapists don't take insurance- but I live in a very wealthy part of it, so they really don't. And I can't blame anyone for not taking insurance - I just can't afford to go out of network anymore for therapy.

Sunday, June 1, 2014

I finally filled my Synthroid Rx- maybe that is what I need

I am so exhausted this week and my mood is so rotten. The past couple of days I have felt so irritable at work. It doesn't help that work has become a very stressful place- even one of the per diems stated that she no longer likes coming here to work because there is too much tension. What we are is overworked and overwhelmed. As well as under increasing financial scrutiny- as in meeting budgets, etc. We have new management. Things have changed.

So I'm not handling it too well this week. It's not the patients- it is the rest of the job. I really love my patients where I work- that makes it all worth while. But sometimes I think I should go somewhere that has better office support and where I am not faxing out my own insurance requests, etc. I didn't have to do that at my other jobs. I just had to do my notes. And that is enough.

Insurance companies have gotten a lot worse- I have had to have to office staff call on just about every single authorization request- because we never got anything from them back. In two cases they said they didn't get anything from me- but I have the fax confirmation sheet. I think they are cutting staff and not getting back to us.

Mostly today I have irritable and tired. Unreasonably tired- wondering if it is the klonopin and increased Zyprexa. Or maybe I need synthroid. I got out at lunch, walked over to the hospital at lunch, and filled it. I took it in the afternoon. Tomorrow I will start taking it in the AM. I hope it will help with my energy and mood. But he has me on a really small dose, I don't know if it is going to do anything. I hope it does. I hope that it helps.

This is the weekend I needed

I don't know how I made it through the week. I have been so irritable, I feel like I have no reserves. Friday night I actually bought ice cream for dinner. I haven't done that in a long time.

Saturday I had my pottery class- which I am still finding very challenging- but it was something that isn't work, so that is a good thing. Then I drove to my dad's. I took a short walk, I read, I talked with my step-mom. And then I thought I couldn't sleep- but once I finally fell asleep I slept for 12 hours.

Today I went swimming at the pool in their development and read my kindle by the pool in the sun. It was great, my body feels great. Then I drove home- stopping at Costco to drop off my new Provigil script. And I bought a lot of stuff, of course, so I shouldn't run out of food again for a while.

I need paper towels- but I couldn't get myself to buy them there- I still haven't found a place for all the rolls of toilet paper that I bought on my last trip. This isn't a place for single people. But it occurred to me that I could use the toilet paper- which is the extra soft that I bought by accident- as paper towels. I have never seen toilet paper like that before. It is really substantial.

The only bad thing about this weekend is that I did not go in to work to do notes- so I am going in super early tomorrow morning. I am hoping I can fall asleep early- I know, not good sleep hygiene, but what can I do?

I bought a new melatonin supplement at Costco today- this one is 3 mg and also has theanine in it- maybe it will help me to sleep.

It is funny how I am so concerned about the number of meds I take- but I don't mind nearly as much all of the supplements that I take- and I take a lot. I guess I feel like they are under my control. And if I go somewhere just overnight, I don't even bring then, just my meds. I don't feel like I "need them" in the way I need the meds- I don't go into withdrawal if I miss a dose.