Friday, March 26, 2010

"I still love you"

I got an e-mail last night from an old boy friend that was 4 words, "I still love you." You might think that is sweet or romantic. It has me angry and confused. It ended badly, and he owes me a big explanation, because he literally disapeared on me.

It took me a while to get over this, and to stop obsessing over what the real story was. I know I let my guard down with him and ignored too many danger signs- but I was in love and going with the feeling. I just wanted to go with it, just wanted to surrender to the experience.

In the end I don't regret it- and I miss the person that I was when I was with him. Where has she gone?

I don't think I've really been happy since I moved away from the city and took this new job. Even when I wasn't clinically depressed, I haven't felt joy. (And I've spent a good portion of it clinically depressed!).

I was miserable a lot living in NYC. But, I felt joy a lot too- well maybe not quite "a lot." But enough to make it worth it. I had enough moments when I would think to myself, I'm glad I didn't succeed in killing myself. I'm not having these moments.

Maybe I need a new job. Maybe I need a new man. Maybe I just need sex!

I've been in this really horrible depression this past week, but the past couple of days I am starting to come out of it- thanks to an increase in Zyprexa. Whatever is wrong with me, an increase in Zyprexa will usually fix it. Too bad about the side effects.

I think a return to internet dating is in my future.

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