My birthday gift

I was in a good mood today. I did not feel physically exhausted, light headed, etc. No joints or muscles hurt. I did not have a headache or stomach ache.

My mind felt good, my body felt good, and I had energy. What more could one ask for? It was a gift.

And I broke all the rules, at least in terms of eating things I would think I shouldn't eat, like sugar and wheat and dairy. I still feel good.

I'm 46. There were years I never thought I would make it this long. I wonder if I will live as long as my grandmothers. Then I'm really at midlife. I would have 46 more years. But I don't if I will live that long. They didn't take all these meds.

But I am kind of glad I made it to 46. Although a few days ago, I wouldn't have been so glad. I was going through a rough patch. Today is a good day.

New day, better day

I did have that glass of wine last night. It turns out I had a bottle of wine from when my mother was last here- we bought a couple. I made some improvised sangria- I filled a wine glass half with raspberries, drizzled them with honey, added cranberry juice cocktail, and then filled the rest of the glass with red wine. It was good. And I chilled out. And went to bed early.

Today was a much better day. I managed not to hold on to yesterday's depression. I did find my mood plummeting pretty badly in the early afternoon for some reason, but then it got better. And I was at a course all day, I have no idea what was going on. I think I am too tired of trying to figure my moods out. Is it food? Is it sleep? Is it life?

That is one of the dialectics- just going with the flow of my emotions vs trying to control them. I use medication, do light therapy, get enough sleep, try to eat well, etc. I try to control things. And yet, at the same time, in the moment, I have to just go with the flow, and accept that no matter how much I try to do right, it will never be enough to always be feeling good. It can be hard to accept.