I am no longer feeling so "mixed" today, although I did have to take a sliver of klnopin and a sliver of zyprexa to take the edge off. But what is left is pure depression. Really bad depression, like I haven't had in some time. How did this happen so fast?
And yet I made it to work. Somehow. And didn't leave early- although I was so very tempted to. Some people don't think you can be that depressed if you are at work. They don't have any idea. The fingernails pressed into the back of my neck. The counting of the hours, the deals I make with myself. Skipping lunch because I didn't have any food to bring in and was way too depressed to go out. Feeling like I can't take another minute, and telling myself that I can, but not believing it.
But one of the worse things is the loneliness. When you have a severe mental illness and you work at a job were you need to be a responsible person, you have to put up a pretty good front. Where does that end? Must I spend my entire life denying what my inner life actually is?
If I were an alcoholic, there would be places for me any night of the week. But because I have a mood disorder, meetings are few and far between, especially where I live, and especially because I would two evenings a week. Today, when I left work, I really wanted somewhere to go. people to talk to in my situation.
We do have a "clubhouse" in our town. I went there once, searching. I wanted so badly to fit in there. But I didn't fit. No one was working- and my issues were how to work when you feel like hell! My issues were feeling like an impostor at work. And yet I felt like an impostor there, because I worked. I did not belong.