Doing what I don't want to do, again

I was not doing well, I even broke down and called my psychiatrist a week and a half before I was supposed to see him. He upped my lithium, which seemed to help a little. But not enough. So when I went to see him next, he upped my lithium even more, as well as increasing my Zyprexa to 7.5 from 5, although I had really been doing that off and on just to get through the day.

I do not want to be on more Zyprexa- or lithium, for that matter. But I don't want to be like this. It has really gotten unbearable. 

It is really damn hard to work and make med adjustments. One minute you can't work because your mood disorder is acting up, and the next minute you can't function because of side effects- and then you can't tell which is which at times.

I did back off the lithium after the first day because I felt too spacey the next day- but now on the weekend I am back up to 1200mg. And I am giving it one more night to see how it is. Tomorrow I have to go in and do paperwork, i'll see how it goes.

But between the lithium and the zyprexa, I do feel much better. I'm not all the way there- but I am better. I'm not going to stay on this high dose of Zyprexa, but I'll give it a week more I think. I'm hoping the lithium is okay. I feel like the Zyprexa really took care of the irritability that was so intolerable- but that the lithium has more of an impact on my depression.

Of course in my tradition of going on something and stopping something- as I raise the lithium I am trying to lower another of my meds, Zonegran. Because it also makes me a little space, and I'm not 100% sure I need it. It was the next drug to try to get off of. So now I am down from 300mg to 200mg.

I am going to reduce it ever so slowly, as it is an anticonvulsant and I do not want to have a seizure. I did once, supposedly from a medication interaction, but who really knows? It was during one of the few times in my adult life that I was not taking an anticonvulsant, only lithium.

I just want a life and to not think about my moods and my meds and all that. I just have to get through this. It is getting better.