Saturday, December 12, 2015

Still moody, but at a higher level

I am doing much better. My lows aren't as low and my highs are higher. I am still moody, and my mood swings can be quite severe. Sometimes it is my fault- like the night I had wine and felt awful the next day, and then yesterday when I let myself run out of synthroid. And sometimes it is just the pressures of life that I am responding too as I am trying to get caught up from being depressed for so long and my mother and various other things. And sometimes I just don't know.

I still have trouble with initiation but it is a little better. And I still have trouble with energy but most days it is better, at least somewhat. I think those are the hardest things that I deal with.

I wish I had more weekend. Tomorrow I am going to a Handel's Messiah sing along, something I have always wanted to do. I am going with my day near where he lives. I sang it in glee club in college- well, some of it. And they will have scores there. I think it will be fun. But I am basically going to be losing the day (other than also making my monthly trip to Costco for my Provigil). I won't make it to church, I have been saying I would start going to church for advent. Last week I was at my dad's for his birthday. And now this. Not enough time.

Today I need a day at home, I really do. I had so much going on this past week- even though some of it good- I am still someone who needs to recharge. If I am really good I'll make it out for a walk. But I have mountains of laundry to do and so much cleaning to do.

My dream is to work fewer hours a week. I work 40 on paper (which is 42.5 including lunch). I have always worked 37.5 in the past, so this job is more for me. Plus I put in a lot of extra time with paperwork- and occasionally stay late to get in an urgent post-op patient in. 36 hours would still be full time, and that is what I really want to work- I think it would make a big difference in my energy and I could still afford to live on it. But it is not an options- they said that it would take hours away from the position and they don't want to do it. And really, that wouldn't mean there are less patients. We are a small department and I am the only full-time therapist at my site.

But things may change. Insurance is getting worse- I had a patient come in the other day with a $100 co-pay. She is not coming back. We may find that we are not getting enough patients to justify my hours. Especially during the slow season. And I could flex up during the winter when it seems to get crazy with all the wrist fractures from all the falls. But we also have a new hand surgeon- and although he is only at our site 1 day a week, that may be enough to keep our numbers up.

I think it takes more energy to create a life than to keep a life going. And I have no life other than work, and it has really been that way for many years. It has been hard enough to keep that going. I thought my next step would be church, but other things are getting in the way. I think that eventually I want to join a chorus- I just found out about two that are possibilities- you don't have to be wonderful singers who can sight read. And I want to take piano lessons again- but I don't think I can afford that plus therapy at the moment. I just started up therapy again with my old therapist who doesn't take insurance after two unsuccessful tries with in-network therapists. Now that I no longer have out-of-network benefits, I was hoping to find someone who took my insurance, but I don't have the patience to keep trying.

1 comment:

Unknown said...

I'm glad you are doing a little better. With depression that little better is always a good sign.

Thinking of you and your mom this Christmas,