And so it begins

My mother was in the hospital last week for two nights. Of course no one told me until I called. She got a blood transfusion for anemia, potassium, fluids, and vitamin K because her INR was so high. Of course no one bothered to call me, I didn't find out until the second night when I called. They also did a chest x-ray because of her constant cough. The last MRI found a spot on her lungs- and pancreatic cancer can spread to the lungs. Now there are more spots, and she has fluid in her lungs.

I have been a total wreck since then. I feel like I am falling apart. It is not that I didn't know my mother was dying, but somehow perhaps I didn't have a timeline for it. And I feel terrible for being so far away. And my mother and my aunt are continuing to fight so horribly, neither makes sense. My mother is less and less rational and my aunt is drinking more and more. And they both still talk as though they can beat this. Maybe they will go to Mexico to a clinic. Or somewhere else. I again made my offer to my mother- come here and I'll get a two bedroom apartment and maybe you can have some peace. But she won't leave her mother. Even though, eventually, she will be and my aunt will be the one responsible for her.

I spent the weekend kind of medicated myself. Zyprexa and klonopin. I slept a lot and cried a lot. And somehow got myself into work to do paperwork on Sunday, although not nearly as long as I needed to. This morning I am feeling somewhat better.

If my mom's life was chaos, I suppose it is only fitting that her death would be too.

Partially it is the chaos and conflict that is getting to me. I can't handle it. And partially it is the increasing realization that I will never have the good times with her that I had hoped to have. I really hoped that, after her mother died, she would come live near me. Not with me, but near me. And maybe now that she is not drinking and neither of us is too mental at the moment, we could have some kind of a good relationship. But it is not going to happen.

And it is all the more of a loss in my life because I don't have that many people in my life. My brother has a wife, kids, even in-laws. I think it is different.

There was a time when I thought that 75 was old. It doesn't seem so old anymore. Especially when my dad is 85 and my grandmother is 95. My mom will probably be outlived by her mother.