Wednesday, January 20, 2016

Faster and faster

My mother was in the hospital again. They called 911 when she felt like she couldn't breath Tuesday night. She just got released. They sent her home on oxygen. This is going to be a big adjustment.

I think the hospice discussion is going to happen soon, but I don't know if I need to be there in person to bring it up. She seemed to frazzled today to talk about it on the phone, I wasn't sure the timing was right. I wish I was going to visit them earlier than I am- I don't know if it can wait a month.

I'm glad that she had a good Thanksgiving with her children and grandchildren. It has been downhill from there. Somehow I didn't think it would be so fast. When they said under a year without chemo, I thought somehow she'd get the full year. And I thought that there would be time during which she would still have some health and not be so focused on finding a cure that we could do something together. But that was my wish, and it is her cancer. She will spend it doing what she wants.

I want her to find acceptance. What else is there at this stage? I want her to have peace. And I want to be able to really talk to her- but maybe that is my fault for treating her like a child and not telling her what I think the truth is more often. And I want to be there. But I don't want to quit my job here.

I want, I want. I need to accept. At least today I am not crying. Amazing what an increase in Effexor can do. That was what stopped the tears. I'd like to say it was radical acceptance or inner strength or something. It was drugs. But drugs that let me do my work. There have been tears, and there will be a time for tears again. But when I am crying at work- that is what is unacceptable- because then I can't do my job.

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