Saturday, April 23, 2016

Trouble with meds

I am out of Provigil, I have been for a week. My health insurance plan won't pay for it, so I drive 45 minutes away to the nearest Costco to buy it- they have it for an affordable price. But it is a hard drive when I am depressed, and I have been depressed, and so I haven't gone. It is a catch-22 situation. And the two days I wasn't so depressed I started thinking maybe I don't need it, maybe I can get off of this drug, take less meds, and not have this monthly trip and expense, etc. And today I was so depressed and anxious I took meds so that I couldn't drive. I have to go tomorrow.

And then I can't find my lithium. I was doing my meds for the week today and I can't find my bottle of lithium anywhere. I have extras of most of my meds, but not really with lithium. I just had five pills- enough for all of tonight, and two out of three for tomorrow night. Then I'll have to go to the pharmacy and just get a refill and pay for it, because it is too soon for insurance to pay for it. I hope I have a refill left.

Too many meds. And my apartment is too much of a mess. Nothing much has changed in my life.

Which is why I am thinking of quitting therapy (again). I quit therapy and then restarted when my mother got sick. But now I am not sure why I am going- I know what I need to do, I just need to do it- and therapy isn't helping me do things. Plus it costs a lot of money.

I like my therapist but she doesn't take my insurance and I no longer have out of network benefits. I tried 3 therapists in-network but it didn't work out. I don't have it in my to try any more. And with my high deductible plan it would still cost a lot anyway.

My psychiatrist doesn't take insurance either, but I only go every three months most of the time so I am keeping him. To find someone who is okay with all my various meds and I like and who seems good- I'm not going to mess that up. I have had too many bad psychiatrists.

It has been a rough week, I can only guess at how much of it from the lack of Provigil. But by Friday I really didn't want to be alive.

Not wanting to be alive- that is a good thing if you are reading or watching Guy McPherson, the scariest man alive. He predicts "near term extinction" for human beings by 2030. There are a lot of scary arguments he makes, but I am still not sure how he comes up with his date. I am also not sure that I can really accept that ALL human beings will be dead- maybe a few will find places to make it.

The thing about his position that is attractive- is that we no longer have to fight. We no longer have to write letters to the editor or demonstrate or lobby for political change. We can just sit back and watch the collapse. But if he is wrong- then we have given up our power to fight.

I don't see a political solution. I don't see us cutting fossil fuel use significantly in time to prevent catastrophe. I see geo-engineering as the only thing that can save us, or perhaps just buy us more time. Geo-engineering is still a dirty word for most, but I think it is the only thing we might be capable of doing to save ourselves.

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