Halfway an orphan

My mother died last week. It was, as much as could be, a "good death." I was holding her hand, her mother and my cousins were there as she took her last breaths, and she was at home. Of course there was a little conflict with my grandmother who said she is not dying and tried to get me away- so we had to be on opposite sides- but it was as good as could be expected. Her sister had stepped out to buy something, and I'm kind of glad she did- I think she might have panicked and wanted to call 911.

The week before was pretty awful as I battled with her family over hospice. They didn't want it, I did. I had medical power of attorney, but she lived with them. It was bad. Finally they agreed to hospice at home and we got her out of the hospital. Her vitals were so unstable I was afraid she wouldn't survive the ambulance ride home. But she did, and two more days at home. I got her pastor to come- and we are Lutherans, so no last rights. But still- she died within an hour of his visit. I'm so glad he could come.

I was with her for a week. It was a very intense, sleep deprived week. I will write more about it later. Then the next week was spent recovering, working with the funeral home, planning the funeral, and working with a probate lawyer. She had no will and hasn't paid any bills since she got sick, apparently. It will be a mess, but I made my brother executor.

This past week I asked for off as well. Work gave it to me as unpaid time, even though I didn't have enough PTO. I'm glad. I feel like I just needed it. And this weekend I went to visit my brother and family. Tomorrow I go back to work.

I'm a little anxious about it, but it is time. What would I do with myself if I didn't go back to work? I think my boss was worried about my stability, she said I could take a medical leave if I needed to. I don't. I have been grieving for my mother for a long time before her death. Even that whole last week, when I would spend the nights in the hospital- she was on the telemetry unit so I could watch her vitals- and I would cry, because I knew that they were so unstable. I didn't see how this could go on. And it couldn't.

Whatever issues I had with my mother, I always knew that she loved me. And now she is gone. And my dad is 10 years older, and really starting to slow down this past year. I need to start taking care of myself. I need to be my own mother.