Saturday, September 10, 2011

Falling Down Again

The day has progressed, I have not. I am feeling more depressed. Of course, I have not left the house. I am hoping to still make my dinner plans. Maybe I can do one thing today.

Like any good drug addict, I am already thinking of my next pharmacological escape. Which means, calling my psychiatrist and asking for a new drug. Is it time? How long do I wait? How bad do I let things get?

I'm thinking that this is my fall/winter SAD depression kicking in. All the rainy, cloudy days that we have had recently hasn't helped matters any.

I really don't want more meds, I want less meds. I think meds made me bipolar, I started out with just depression. I think my meds are making me stupid, and taking my drive away. They have certainly made me fat. But when you are lying in bed, and life is just slipping away, and death seems like a comforting thing- well, you will try anything. What is there to lose?

What I am doing today is spending hours in front of my light box- I've set it up so I can lie in bed and still use it. It's cheaper than going to Florida! Which I can't afford, in large part to all my medical spending!

I really don't want more meds. But I know if things get bad enough, I'll change my mind.

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