Friday, September 9, 2011

OK, So I Didn't Make it to the Gym Today

I am depressed today, the first day in a few days. But I'm handling it. I went out for lunch, got a fast food cheeseburger and shake, and sat in my car in the sun and listened to music on the radio. It helped, and I didn't cry.

Now I am home and just want to curl up in bed. And eat chocolate ice cream, which I don't have.

I'm trying to stay in the moment, and not wonder if I will still be depressed tomorrow, and think about potentially how long this depression could go on. Maybe this is the onset of my fall depression, despite my light box. Don't go there. Maybe this is because of going off of the Abilify- don't go there. I'll find out soon enough if this is a trend.

So the mindfulness people, and my therapist in particular, say that when you are feeling bad, it is enough to be feeling bad in that moment. Don't project into the future. But at some point, don't you have to make plans, make decisions? Like am I going to be too depressed to do the things I have planned for tomorrow? And should I make adjustments? Should I cancel anything?

Nothing is simple, not even mindfulness.

But for today, I will try to accept what is, and hope tomorrow is better.

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