Monday, September 3, 2012

I'm not a Vulcan

Mr Spock was always my favorite character on Star Trek. I wanted to be a Vulcan. And the worse my depressions are- and the more dysphoric I feel- the more I think I should have been born a Vulcan, or at least a robot. And I wish for a pill that would take away all feeling, but let me function.

Except that it doesn't work that way. If you take away emotion, you take away any motivation, as well as any reward. Somehow Vulcans are permitted to keep curiosity, but not much else. But for me it is all or nothing. And make me numb, and there is no reason to keep going, no reason to push on.

And that is what I feel right now. Between adding on the lithium and a little klonopin at night, I have been pretty numb for 3 days. And I was kind of content to lie in bed for 3 days. Nothing got done, and things needed to get done. But a large part of me doesn't care.

To trade a piece of the depression for apathy isn't much of a bargain.

1 comment:

ashmc2 said...

The nerd in me absolutely loves your post, but the bipolar in me knows exactly what you mean.

I hope you are doing well. please post how you are doing girl.