Back from the Asylum

I had even gone to work that day. But I knew it was bad. And I knew I didn't want to live to see the next day. But I had a therapist appointment after work. I told her what I was thinking. Not surprisingly, she suggested the hospital. Surprisingly, I agreed.

She even went to the ER with me. Stayed until I got taken into triage. I went to the hospital where I work- I was very worried about seeing someone I knew. But otherwise they were very nice to me there. I spent the night there while they tried to get me into a psych hospital. The next morning I was taken by ambulance to the hospital where my therapist had wanted me to go.

I spent 8 days inpatient. I was on the general psychiatric and dual diagnosis unit. It was a pretty nice place as hospitals go, and unfortunately I have seen a bunch in my time. They ramped up my lithium. I went back on Ambien, so I started sleeping well again. I did a lot of pacing/walking- so much so that my legs hurt. 3-4 times a day I got to sit outside in the sun in a courtyard with the smokers. I talked to people. I even went to groups, although they were totally useless. Perhaps it helped that my roommate was the scariest person on the unit! I spent very little time in my room.

I was able to catch my breath. I got away from my life. It helped. It is sad to say that being locked up for 8 days is helpful, but it was. Even knowing that the choice to kill myself was being taken out of my control- that was a relief. I could stop thinking about it for a little while.

Well, I had made it for 10 years since the last hospitalization. I thought maybe I wouldn't go there again. But I did. I also thought I would not take lithium again. But it seems to be helping- and the dose is lower, so the side effects are much milder.

I took a leave of absence from work. So I have a little more space to breathe. And I am doing an IOP program, which is very DBT oriented. It seems useful. Like emotional kindergarten.