Sunday, June 24, 2012

From the macro to the micro

I worry about the future: unsustainable debt, peak oil, peak water, popoulation increases, global warming and ocean acidification- I can really be quite a doomer at times. And during the past 2 years, at times I was quite obsessed with all of this. However, I am now a little more accepting. On the macro level, what will be will be. We can only try to be adaptable in our own lives. Perhaps eventually I will find a way to do something with these concerns, but for now, I just need to live my life.

I spent the weekend accomplishing very little. It felt like what I needed to do- and yet. I am disappointed in myself. By Friday, I felt exhausted and really just burnt out from life.

I would love to work fewer hours. I think it would really help. But I think I would have to find a new job- and move- and all that, and it is more than I feel capable of at this time. Plus, I like my job. And, at 40 hours a week, I am making a lot of progress on paying off my debts. Once those are gone, I could really afford to work fewer hours.

I am waiting to see what happens with the Supreme Court ruling on health reform. I don't even know what I want the outcome to be. From a personal level, if I could buy subsidized health insurance from a pool without being penalized for my pre-existing condition, while working part time- that would be a dream. And yet, this bill will bankrupt the country (even more than it already is), and does nothing to control costs. And there are always those unintended consequences. It could spell the end of employer-funded health insurance. And you know that salaries are not going to rise enough to make up for the difference when we have to buy our own. We could still be left with a lot of people without insurance, simply because it is unaffordable. Paying the penalty would be cheaper.

I think my episode of inner anguish- depression, agitation, just generally feeling crazy inside- has stopped. And I think I realize what it was: the sun. I had been making a really good effort to get a lot of sunlight, even eating my lunches in my car at noon during the workday, to try to get rid of the last vestiges of my depression. But it backfired. And I got a kind of mixed depression- something they will probably put in the next DSM. I got ARG! Just screaming inside, for no reason, and it didn't seem connected to anything (although I have plenty to be depressed about).

So I have had less sunlight recently, and things have settled down. Hopefully this won't mean a decent into the other kind of depression.

It seems very unfair that you should have to titrate sunlight.

I want to be a low maintenance person, I really do. I don't style my hair. I wear eyeliner on a good day, that's it. If I need to iron it, I probably won't buy it. But I take all of these meds. And supplements. I have to do light therapy in the winter. Not get too much sun in the summer. I have gluten sensitivity (I think). I have irritable bowel syndrome, so I need to take fiber and probiotics and watch what I eat. I take the BC pill because even my hormones are apparently too much for me to handle in their natural state.

Let's face it, I am high maintenance.

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