Wednesday, June 6, 2012

Alone at last

My mother finally left, and not a day too soon. It was good that she came. It was very good that she cleaned. But then, it became too much. Finally, I have my apartment back to myself.

My moods have been all over the place, but generally getting better, even thought I stopped the Buspar after a few days. It was making me feel flat, restless, and gave me insomnia.

I told my mother the other day, "I don't think that I am depressed. I think that I am just miserably unhappy." Which made her upset, but to me, was progress. The depression is easing, I am down to just the unhappiness. And really, the unhappiness makes complete sense to me. I don't feel crazy anymore.

As for the unhappiness, I am in a bit of a bind. I have too many things I need to do in too much time, too much pressure on me, and not a lot of fun in my life. And not enough money (and still too much debt) to quit and take some serious time off and do some travelling or some backpacking.

But I am no longer looking for the answer in a pill. I've decided no more med changes. At the same time, I've decided not to try to get off anything or lower anything further for the moment. I have to take one variable out of the equation. And, if I can't get off of meds, I've thought that perhaps the kindest thing that I can do to my brain might be to be consistent about them, so that at least my brain can find a way to adapt.

I don't know if it is placebo, but I do feel like adding pyridoxal-5-phosphate to my supplements seemed to help with the depression (and I might be B6 deficient because I take the pill). Or maybe it was just time that helped.

When you get depressed, you don't do the things that you need to do. And I have been depressed, to a certain degree, on and off for quite some time. And so, I am so far behind with some things, and a lot of things I needed to do did not get done. I am in a very big hole- but most of it is my fault, for not doing things.

And the worst part is, I have used up most of my PTO being depressed!

I just want a vacation now that I could appreciate a vacation.

No comments: