A day off

I have a day off so I have been trying to study. And succeeding for only a couple of hours. How did I ever manage in graduate school? I don't know how I am going to get all this studying done by November. My only consolation is that I can take the exam over again if I fail.

I think I have another couple hours of studying in me, but not quite now.

I am feeling under a lot of pressure these days. Among my pressures, now- to keep it together so I do not become a problem again for my family, because on my mom's side of the family, they are having just one thing happen after another! A death, a very bad car accident, the need for multiple surgeries and problems with insurance, and now someone in jail. All in the past month, and all in addition to the usual troubles of no money, people with no jobs, cars breaking down, people fighting, and my grandmother steadily losing her hearing and her memory. It is just craziness. No need for me to be crazy!

And I have been, really, not too bad. Mildly depressed. Although mild depression doesn't get enough respect. When I am seriously depressed, I know to a certain extent that this is not how I always am. It can get better. But mild depression is not that far off from normal, at least for me- I spend a good portion of my life there- and it can really be the most hopeless state, sometimes. It just eats at your soul, whispering in your ear that this is all there is to life, don't hope for anything more.

My manias were so severe and so destructive I spent years terrified I could go back there- it was years before I could begin to trust myself again. But with the right meds, they haven't come back, just a little hypomania that is really nothing to fear. It is the depression that I can't keep away, that keeps coming back. Mania never felt like me, I became someone else. Depression feels all too much like me.

I am trying to lower expectations for myself. Telling myself that I am going to be a little bit miserable until November. Until I take my test. But I am finally dedicated to taking it, to studying, to really doing it. I had been on the fence about it for so long- just prolonging the agony. I just hope I didn't wait too long.

But come December, life is going to get a whole lot better. (assuming I passed...)

Meanwhile, I will try to not be a source of trouble for anyone!