Thursday, July 12, 2012

What else would I do?

I have been having pretty extreme moods recently- something I attribute to my inability to sleep well most nights recently, but who knows. I was at work today and feeling sorry for myself. Feeling very anxious and overwhelmed. This is too hard, I thought, and it just doesn't get any easier. Not for any length of time. And now I have to function on top of how I feel!

OK, so what? Go back on disability? I was miserable then- at least as miserable, if not more than I am now. So I can be miserable and doing something useful and interesting (and self-supporting), or I could be miserable doing nothing. I'd rather be miserable doing something, I decided. Even if it is hard- which it is.

And the day did somehow get better by the evening- I was in a much better mood for my last couple of patients. And on the way home I even managed to get myself to stop and walk once around the park. OK, only once, but you have to start somewhere. I cannot tell you the amount of effort it took to get me to do that.

Some people think that if you can get yourself to work, you are all better. I have tried telling myself that. It isn't true. It only means that I can get myself to work most days- and barely at that.

I want life to be easier, but I don't think that is quite what I mean. I like challenges, at least to a certain extent. But I am tired of fighting myself and my moods. I am tired of so many things being such an effort, that I don't have anything left over.

I am also not feeling well physically, either the past few days. I am having joint pain in my hands and feet. A few days ago I had a lot of wheat, that seems to have preceded my last bad episode of this. However, I have tested negative for celiac disease. But I still think I need to really give gluten free a try.

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