Doing what I don't want to do

I am raising my Zyprexa. This is that last medicine that I want to raise- I don't even want to be on it- but at some point, when things are bad enough, the hell with future side effects and neurological problems- at this rate I am not even going to live long enough to have those things.

I am re-thinking antidepressants. Maybe they are making me worse. For people with bipolar, they often do. But the one time they tried not giving me antidepressants- just piling on the mood stabilizers, I became so depressed I got psychotic. So I have been so sure that I need antidepressants. But maybe they make me worse in the long run. Maybe I need to give it another shot without antidepressants. Maybe there is no answer for me, and I am just screwed.

What is pretty clear to me is that in the last 4 or so years, my depressions are more frequent, and I don't get as good as I used to between depressions. There are probably some situations reasons for this too, but still, it is enough to question both my life and my meds.

Creatine has not turned out to be the magic answer that I had hoped for. If anything, I feel like I have been more emotionally unstable since I have started taking it. So it is not necessarily making my mood worse, just more reactive. Which I don't need right now. Still, I will probably try continuing with a small dose of it.

I have my escape fantasies. Quit my job, live off my 401K money, backpack and travel for a year. If I was debt-free, I might do it. I have too much debt. And having been on disability once, I am so scared that if I stop working, I won't go back.

I saw my therapist again last night- she asked me again if I "need a higher level of care." I hate that kind of talk. And that kind of language. Just say it. Am I suicidal enough for the hospital? Dysfunctional enough for day treatment? What?

My psychiatrist is on vacation this week. so I'm limited with med options. I can either raise things or lower things that I already have. Which is a little frustrating. I think I want to try switching my Effexor for Prozac, which worked in the past, and which is a lot easier to get off of- if I do decide to try to get off of anti-depressants.

I went on Prozac back when it was new. I switched from amytriptaline, which was making me too tired. My psychiatrist told me, there's this new drug out, prozac, with much less side effects, and it even has this very nice side effect called hypomania...

Of course at the time my diagnosis was depression, not bipolar. And hypomania, as she described it, did sound very nice. Pretty ironic.