Wednesday, August 29, 2012

Doing what I don't want to do, part II

Well, raising the Zyprexa didn't work out too well. All of the side effects I expected, sedation, being out of it, eating everything in sight. But when I couldn't focus enough to study or do paperwork, I knew it was time to stop it.

The past week has been miserable, but I have kept myself together (as much as I could), as my dad was having surgery. Today I saw my psychiatrist again. And he is recommending the same thing that my last psychiatrist did, and what I didn't want to do: low dose lithium.

Well, that is two doctors recommending something that makes sense. I'm just scared of lithium because of the last time I was on it- a very long time ago, and at a very high dose. I had bad side effects. I got lithium toxicity- bad, because it was not recognized. And then I was taken off of it cold turkey, and became crazy manic, for the first time in my life. I really think that changed the course of my illness. It sure changed the course of my life.

But this will be low dose. I will take it all at night, so hopefully the side effects won't be too bad. I will try it. And if it doesn't work, or if I don't like the way it makes me feel, I will come off of it VERY SLOWLY.

But I will try it.

My psychiatrist also had good advice- just as good as a prescription, I think. And that is to stop studying for this exam. There is no way I can do what I need to do to be ready to take it this year, so I am only beating myself up every time I try to study. He said it was like a marathon runner with a knee injury who keeps trying to run instead of resting it, only to prove to himself that he can't run right now.

It was the best advice. It was what I needed to hear. It was giving me permission to do what part of me knew I needed to do, but couldn't admit.

When my head is working better, when I can concentrate again, I will start studying again. On my terms.

I do think I will wait until Friday night to start the lithium. No work the next day.

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