Sunday, August 5, 2012

It's a Catch-22

I've been going through some real craziness the past 3 weeks. Really bad. And now it has finally settled down into a really anxious and really bad depression. Every time I think I might start to be feeling a little better, that day something very bad happens. That is how my life has been.

And so, while there was a biological trigger- running out of the birth control pill- I should have been over that by now. It is life that is keeping me down. So, I don't think that a drug is going to fix this.

That is why I haven't called my psychiatrist, which is what my family wants me to do. But you don't  call your psychiatrist unless you want a new drug- and I'm not sure that I do. Meanwhile, as I say this, I am taking tiny bits of klonopin and zyprexa to get me though the day without totally losing it. But that is different. Maybe I just have to wait this out until life gets better again.

But the Catch-22 part. I know that I need to exercise. I know that would probably help me. And yet, it feels like the last thing in the world that I am capable of doing. I'm not saying it is impossible to be severely depressed and exercise- but it is improbable. Enough to make you question the diagnosis. Especially if daily exercise has not been a well established habit before.

I went in to work today to try to do some paperwork- I didn't last too long. But I made myself get up and walk around a lot while I was there, and that felt good. A little bit. But I got too agitated to stay at work, I had to leave.

Tomorrow is Monday, and I hate Mondays. Because on Monday, everyone asks how your weekend was, and what you did. And if I were to tell the truth, it would be that I spent most of it at home, in bed, (with nothing to eat except almonds and energy bars because of no food in the house), and went in to work for 2 hours. I hate to lie, but this is a truth I don't want to tell either. Depression sucks.

There was one good part of the weekend, however. I watched Olympic women's weightlifting. The "plus size" category- 75kg plus. Live, online. And it was great. The Russian woman won, and she broke the world's record- twice. Amazing. Some strong women.

I want to be a strong woman. How do I do that?

No comments: