Sunday, November 27, 2016

Halfway down the rabbit hole

I live in two worlds. I am a doomer- I think our civilization is going to collapse. Between climate change, loss of top soil, resource depletion (including oil)- that civilization as we know it cannot survive. I just don't know the time frame. Will I live to see it? Will it be my nieces' children who see it? I don't think we have much longer than that. I'm not necessarily of the opinion that we will go extinct as a species, as many doomers say. But we could if our nuclear reactors don't get shut down properly.

I've done a lot of grieving over this, and somewhat come out the other end. I want to keep living my life. I don't want to get pulled down by this. I want to go on with my daily life, because I don't know what else to do.

I tried demonstrating and it seemed pretty useless. I have written my congressmen. I tried getting involved with a political group, only to realize that I have nothing to offer- I am no good at a anything political. I am not a social being. I don't know if there is anything to do anyway.

So I focus on fixing my patients' broken wrist and fingers, helping their pain or manage symptoms. I am effective on the micro level, just not the macro level.

Mostly, it is just another thing that makes me alone. I haven't met other people who really seem to feel the same way- except online. And people think it is my depression talking, but it isn't. Perhaps my depression has allowed me to see it- people with depression are better at perceiving negative probabilities.

When I grieve for my mother, at least other people understand somewhat. When I grieve for the world, then what?

If an asteroid were going to hit the earth, would you want to know? And if you knew, would it change how you lived your life?

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