Saturday, March 24, 2012

Am I Going to Stick it Out?

I have been trying to decrease my Zyprexa again. I am now cutting my 10mg pills into quarters. Previous efforts to get below 5mg have always failed, I have always given in to the insomnia and mood instability that followed.

But Thursday night I decided now is the time to do it. I had a bad day after a string of good days, and I knew it had nothing to do with meds. It had to do with coming down from good things, it had to do with a rainy, cloudy day and not enough sun, and who knows what else. But no change in meds. And Thursday night, I knew that I was not going to get enough sleep because I was going to a support group that gets me home late, and I can never go home and just go to sleep, and then I have to get up early to be in at work by 8am. So this was the time to do it.

I went down to 2.5mg. I strangely slept! None of the insomnia I usually get- but I went to bed late. Woke up in a decent mood even. And then had a good day at work. I could concentrate, I felt good. But sleepy.

Friday night I slept again, no problem. This is the way to do it, be sleep deprived. I don't know why I am not having insomnia this time around otherwise. But I woke up depressed. And started to panic. I had a session with a personal trainer at 10:30 which I barely made it too, I was late and almost in tears. But I made it. And afterwards, I feel better. But still, a little down. Not like I have felt most of the week.

But it is only day 2. I can stick this out some more. Especially if I can sleep.

When I decided to go down on the Zyprexa this time, for some reason I just knew that I could do it this time. Don't ask me why. I think because it is spring. Spring is always a good time for me.

My therapist won't be happy with me. She actually gave me the advice that I should give it a rest for a little while with the meds- that I have been so bad recently, and now I have been better- just let things ride for a little bit. And it seemed to make sense at the time. Although I told her that I couldn't guarantee more than a week...

I didn't even last a week!

What she doesn't understand is that I don't know if I can do what I need to do in the coming year on the meds that I am on. I need to be studying for this certification exam. It is a lot of studying. I need my mind to be clear. And I need my drive back. I really think that I have lost a lot of my drive on these meds. It was so clear to me- I was in graduate school when my meds were changed, and suddenly I couldn't get things done on time, suddenly my drive was gone. OK, my obsessions were a lot better too- and I haven't been hospitalized on these meds- but that is a hard bargain.

So she says, maybe I shouldn't be tinkering with meds during this year when I need to be studying- but that is precisely why I am tinkering.

1 comment:

ashmc2 said...

First off the Jean Grey alias is cool to this nerd!

Bipolar doesn't just happen, it just goes undiagnosed early in life, and that was me. I also loved the X-Men deeply in my teens. I think like most bipolar punk teenage boys', angst and dark brooding and loneliness lead me to associate and gravitate towards Logan. He was definitely a bipolaresque loose-cannon that also mimicked my unstable emotional states and self-hate. Also Longshot was my 2nd favorite, because of the lucky rockstar chick-magnet vibe.

My meds are and have always been my biggest issue. Every month I go through DT's because I can't get over the anxiety of making the phone call for the refills. But like you, I back down on certain meds. I went to half dose down to 2mg Adivan and I get it in my system with my night meds. They dumb me down, they numb my creativity and the drive to productivity. So I take half and at night when I don't need to be on top of my game. Later Jean, Ash.