Sunday, May 27, 2012

Am I copping out?

I broke down and took Buspar tonight. It seems that every time I say I am not going to do something recently, it means that in a day or two I will surely do it.

I am just so ready for this depression to be over. And it isn't going away like I want it to.

This morning I thought I was feeling better- until I tried going to the grocery store with my mother. I had to leave the store and sit in my car while she finished the shopping. How am I supposed to go back to work like this on Tuesday?

So I went home and took a half of the Buspar, like I'm supposed to start with. I didn't think I would feel anything- but I do feel something, that I don't know how to describe. I'm not sure I totally like it. Maybe just early side effects.

Earlier this week I was so bad that, if someone had suggested the hospital, I think I would have gone without too much resistance. One of the reasons I cancelled my therapist appointment- I was sure if I told her what was going on in my head, she would tell me to go. And, being weak, I would go. It's not that I wanted someone to stop me from killing myself- I wanted someone to take that out of the equation for a while, so I could have a break from thinking about it. From the constant battle inside my head.

Half of me wanted someone to fix me. And half of me thought that I was unfixable, so there was no point in going. Instead I wound up calling family, and now my mother is staying with me and I've had a few days off of work. It has helped, I think. I haven't had too many stresses (other than my mother being here 24/7...)

I am lucky. I have a family who cares. I didn't always appreciate this- in fact for many years was encouraged by my therapists to blame my parent's craziness while I was growing up for my own problems. But they have always cared, always loved me. And even when I was manic and calling them multiple times in the middle of the night to yell at them, they answered the phone. That is love.

I can think about the good things in my life, and it should be enough. Enough to defeat any depression. And yet it isn't.

So I'm putting my hopes on Buspar to help get me out of this, and the hell with D2 receptor antagonism and all that- at some point you have to stop worrying about things. I just want this to be over and done with. This depression, which is consuming much too much of my life. I want it to be over.

Yeah, if I wanted to take a couple of months off of work, maybe I wouldn't need to take the Buspar. I could let this depression run its course, and I wouldn't need to medicate it. I could just hang out here with my mom. But that is not me. My work is such a large part of who I am. To give it up, that would not be me. So, taking a pill- that is really what I need to do to be true to myself.

1 comment:

Starbuck O'Shea said...

Jean/not-Jean: am leaving you a comment over at your Christian Scientist post.

Hang in there. I'm bipolar too.